Heather's Mom

Winds are changing

2011-10-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

Came back from an Al-Anon convention last weekend - what a great time! Then went to a meeting Monday night that got me thinking about this blog...

Someone mentioned about "singing the hymns"... but as she talked I realized she was saying, "singing the HIMS"... and basically the point was to keep the focus ON US - on our recovery - on stories of strength experience and hope - instead of he/she did this he/she did that grumble worry grumble grumble.

When I look back over the past 2 years I am amazed at how much I have grown as a person, and how many positive changes I have made.

I'm working on living MY life/learning how to live MY life. In doing so, I am finding less and less need to write about "her", and doing more and more trusting God that He and Heather can manage her life without my "help".

My relationship with Heather has been great and she seems to be doing very well (defining "well" by leaving out my personal judgement on how things "should" be). I love Heather more than imaginable, and while she is still the greatest light in my life, I am working hard at living MY life - and not hers :)

But, it's progress not perfection...
My husband and I went to the dog park today with our two dogs. Of course I brought a bag - totally prepared - of anything we might need - treats, baggies etc. Including a bowl and bottled water.
When we arrived I put the bowl down and filled it with water (they do have a fountain there for the dogs, but being me, having to "prove" what a GREAT mom I am, I brought my own supply...).

So a *couple* times during our stay at the park I proceeded to say to the dogs, "Go get a drink of water, go get a drink of water."
To which my husband finally said, "They will drink when they want to drink. Let them be."

To which I thought: HUMPHHH!!!

Before responding, "I can no longer smother the kids, at least let me smother the dogs - I have to get it out somehow!"

HUMMMPH!!!

Wow things have changed!

2011-08-30T10:26:00.000-07:00

Don't post for a couple months and blogger has changed a lot! Of course I'm not taking the time to figure anything out - I'll just start typing...Heather has moved apartments (again) and started back up at school. Things seem to be going well, we have been talking on the phone little bits here and there, though I've only seen her in person 2x the past couple months (my husband's bday and my bday). She's looking for a job, I think her money has about run out. She sounds good.I have been so busy busying myself with short trips and guests. We live by the beach and this year has brought many guests - seems like one leaves and another one comes - and I am always preparing for the next guest(s). Don't get me wrong - it is all good having friends/family visit. I also enjoy the little trips we've taken... But I am the kind of person that needs TIME to adjust, so I am not getting much of my own life taken care of in the meanwhile. Like just as I get a day where I take care of something for me, b/c things have slowed down from the last visit/trip, it is time to start preparing for the next. I feel a bit adrift, but I know that this too shall pass.It would be great if I could figure out how to appreciate the JOURNEY instead of always worrying about getting to the destination...

State of Confusion

2011-05-31T21:10:00.000-07:00

Just to rant. Why do Heather's stories never make sense? I try to figure out what is "normal 21 year-old behavior". Is it the case that you have to piece together random responses to try to get the picture?

I was telling my husband about a phone call with Heather today. In frustration (not AT him, but just with the fact that this is how it is) I finally said to him, "Don't ask any questions, because if I'm not saying it then I don't know the answer."

When she talks I find myself listening so carefully to try to piece her stories together to get a cohesive story.

Today was something about how a white van that was following them turned into a police car and pulled them over... what??? Other RECENT examples: She somehow took a cab home, didn't have her purse, keys or money (remember, Heather has money - unfortunately), had to break into her apartment to give the cabbie a money order (why does she have a money order in her apartment??? and for an "obscene amount of money I don't want to tell you b/c I am still upset about it" - her exact words) "in order to avoid being raped"... what??? But don't worry, she "[doesn't] have to pay for the damage"... what??? Or, "I might drop out of school to become a drummer (... what???), but with responsibility comes power" (yes, I believe she got that quote backward). I said, "Why don't you worry about the power thing when it happens." Her response, "It already has."... what???

I'm just ranting to rant. I know that what I am doing wondering doesn't do me any good. But truthfully still I can't help but shake my head in confusion and then wonder... what???

I know: Let it go. Go to bed.

What Faith Can Do

2011-05-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

No, no good news here. Still things have been so busy, I feel a bit psychotic... never mentioned on the blog, but I had surgery early April and things have been set back since. Have been busy (how someone who doesn't work can be so busy, I don't know...) With Heather I have been actually PRACTICING DENIAL it seems. Just logging on to get a couple things out - mostly copying and pasting. From last post, she's doing something other than pot, of this I am sure. I feel like I am back to the summer of 2009. Regarding her biological dad, she has NOT seen him in years (three or more???). He lives in another state, but smokes pot everyday - not with her - though he did smoke it with her when she was in high school and he visited here in Florida. No need to dwell on it, the past, but the disbelief he knew about the present... How much can I expect of someone? I don't think he knows whatever drug she is now doing. Along with not writing on the blog, my Al-Anon meetings have been scarce - for obvious reasons as I was stuck with the surgery - just getting back to... well LIFE... the past week. Hoping to catch up on my blog friend's blogs soon. I miss everyone, but my prayers have never stopped. Praying when I get a chance, I find some GOOD surprises.

Florida's marching on with it's battle against prescription drugs. Though our current Governor seemed determined to undo all the good the prior Governor accomplished on the database front. Ironic, I did not care for the past Governor, and had high hopes for our new one. Ha! Nonetheless, it seems Florida is FINALLY catching on to the seriousness of the prescription drug problem here.

I have so much to catch up on, write down, but not enough time. My reference to feeling a bit psychotic... well... I love my daughter so much, and am fighting the possibility of "losing" her to drugs again... (as if I ever "had" her) thinking if I ignore it, it doesn't exist. It's so hard watching your child drown. I logged on the share these song verses, they have been helping me as I recite them in my head. To Heather.

"What Faith Can Do" - Kutless
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

"You Are More" - Tenth Avenue North
There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

"The Words I Would Say" - Sidewalk Prophets
Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say...

Been pretending

2011-05-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't written on my blog for a while - partly because I have been so busy, though mostly b/c I've been pretending... or ignoring... or "using my tools".

I haven't read Nic Scheff's new book, but I am catching up on my People Magazine's (I'm like 6 weeks behind...) and read a review. The brief summary sounded - ah - familiar...
In my case, it was the week before Easter and Heather called freaking out... sounding like she was tripping on acid, a BAD trip tough... won't go into all the details (b/c it's 1:15 am and I'm not even sure why I'm up, let alone writing a blog post) but felt it was time to write... as I like to say, just reporting... just getting stuff OUT.
Hopefully I'll get to write more soon when I have more time... though we're going out of town, and then I have jury duty when we return... no stress...

She said it was pot...
and that she lied to us and had been smoking it EVERY DAY (for two years???)... and that her father knows this and is cool with it b/c he smokes it every day too...
On one hand, it was not oxy.
On the other hand DISAPPOINTMENT
On the other hand DISAPPOINTMENT
wait, that's three hands, well that's what I felt.

Mother's Day was actually nice... I "judged" on her behavior and not on my wondering if the behavior was so spectacular b/c she was high. Chose to just enjoy her, and lift her up, and encourage her. I love her.

I feel like I haven't gotten out everything I want to say, but I'd really better go to bed...

God bless.

Heather's Facebook post

2011-03-03T22:13:00.000-08:00

It's posts like this that just make a mom so happy :)
(besides the fact that she lets me be her "friend" on Facebook!)
***
today i realized that my life was too good to be true ;D success is a wonderful thing
February 28 at 7:36pm · Like ·
***
I don't know why *specifically* she wrote that but earlier that day she had called to tell me she "graduated" from her chiropractor, and all feels good with her hip/back. She now has leg length discrepancy from the accident so they got her a wedge to wear as that was probably the cause for some of the pain.

You pray you pray you pray you pray and you keep on praying. When you see a post like that on your daughter's page you know He is working!
His timing isn't always my timing.
His plan isn't always my plan.
But I am not God and He is so I'll trust Him!

Book Reviews

2011-02-24T17:17:00.000-08:00

I finally felt "emotionally secure" enough to read some "addiction" books I had purchased months ago. I would recommend all four of them. Here are my OPINIONS:

The Lost Years: Surviving A Mother and Daughter's Worst Nightmare
by Kristina Wandzilak (of TLC's show "Addicted") and Constance Curry
• This book alternates between the daughter's and mother's story. As the events unfold it provides their respective points of view. Writing in this manner may provide a parent with answers to what was she thinking??? It also gives an idea of what may or may not occur/transpire with your child's addiction and your own state of mind if -as a parent- you do not enable.

Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction
by David Sheff
• The title is self-explanatory. However, in reading this I noticed some similar things I did myself as a parent through my divorce/raising my daughter that I wish I had done differently... though at the time you are doing the best you can/know how.

Tweak
by Nic Sheff
• As a parent, this was like watching a train wreck. You can't put it down, but at the same time really wish you weren't reading it. Some things a parent just shouldn't know. But it does help if as a parent you are wondering, does my kid know I love them? Also, Nic Sheff is an extremely talented writer. He should write more, fiction maybe next time :)

Worth Every Tear - Forever and Always
by Cheri Hardaway
• This book is written by one of our fellow bloggers (Glass House Ministries at http://blog.cherihardaway.com/). I recommend this book for everyone - even if there is no addiction in their family. I loved it! Yes, there was addiction in the book; however, it was nice to "read about what is going on in the house next door" so to speak. It covered so many aspects of relationships: marriage, parenting, step-parenting, friends, family. And so many aspects of life: jobs, school, moving, birth. With regards to addiction, the raw emotion, honesty, denial and roller-coaster ride made me know I was not alone.

Two other books I read over a year ago:

Beyond the Yellow Brick Road: Our Children and Drugs REVISED
by Bob Meehan
• Awesome book that I recommend for all parents *new* to having a child with an addiction. This book gave me so much strength, knowledge, information, comfort. Over a year later and I still think to some of the things I read in it. This poignant book is very blunt in it's presentation. Highly recommended by me :)

How to Change Someone You Love: Four Steps to Help you Help them
by Brad Lamm
• I don't know, I thought this book was going to give some new information. But in reading it I felt it was a different spin on the same things I learned from our interventionist. Just came at it from a different angle. I have heard other people who really liked this book.

Al-Anon books:
ALL of these are EXCELLENT. I would highly recommend any of them.
• In All Our Affairs: Making Crises Work for You
• Al-Anon's Twelve Steps & Traditions (Revised)
• From Survival to Recovery (for Adult Children)
• How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics (Awesome book!!!)
• Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions & Concepts

Under suspicion

2011-01-30T17:00:00.000-08:00

Something's been on my mind this week.

Tuesday I went out to Orlando to have dinner with Heather, my cousin (who is only a couple years older than Heather), my aunt, and my grandmother (Heather's great-grandmother).

Heather was a little "off" or "down".

I don't want to be oblivious, but I truly believe she's not doing drugs. She had called me Sunday and was sick with a cold, then called me Monday and said she hadn't smoked any cigarettes that day or Sunday (thinking being sick would give her a jump start on quitting). It was now Tuesday night at 7:00 pm and I "knew" (ha!) she had been up since attending her 7:30 am class (I asked her if she'd had a nap that day to which she replied "no"... I assumed she went to class...). These were excuses I made in my head for her behavior.

BUT, they could be true. She was respectful and considerate, told me she loved me, etc. SAID all the right things though her demeanor was "down".

I chose to believe she is still not using oxy.

Fine.

Thursday my aunt calls me... "I just wanted you to know I think you have to keep praying for Heather. Before you got there she was acting weird, jittery. She may be doing 'the drugs' (ha!) again. Grandma noticed something too."

My heart sank. Not because I believed my aunt was right (I still believe she is wrong), but because this is my daughter.

Is she going to be under suspicion for the rest of her life from everyone who knew about her addiction?

When it comes down to it (as I've learned in Al-Anon) it is none of my business whether or not she is using as long as it doesn't come into my life. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. But in this case her behavior was acceptable.

My mom said it is my pride getting in the way that they would suspect something of MY daughter. Maybe it is. But - whether I am right or wrong in thinking she is still off the oxy - that is not the point I am trying to make - I am finding myself angry that they would call me with their suspicions - and to say that I need to keep praying for her...

She has been accomplishing a lot of taking care of her business herself and I have been very proud of her. What business do my aunt and grandma have being pot stirrers??? I "know" they meant well, but I can't help being angry that they were trying to be "holier than thou".

Wrong or right these are my feelings... and I guess they have been hurt.

Working on her testimony...

2010-12-24T14:57:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the emotional holiday season, but I find myself worrying about Heather and all she's "lost" and all she has to overcome in the future. I worry that she has to big a load to carry. It seems when I get stressed, overwhelmed, and busy I can throw all my Al-Anon training right out the window and OBSESS over Heather's life.

Excuse: I'm her mom and I love her so!

She has sold her house (closing next month) and will have to move into an apartment. I worry that she will not be able to find one and/or be able to move in time before closing, that someone will rent to her with her not having a job AND having a large dog. I worry about how she's holding up mentally. She went through all her money (but will be getting money for the house, of which she owes about $30K from that) - don't get me wrong, to the normal/average person (lol) she will have PLENTY of money! But I worry about how the effect of going through that MUCH money while on drugs will have on her - now and in the long run. She has humbled herself and said, things like, "I screwed up and blew it all on drugs." And, "I hate to think of everything I lost b/c I did drugs." I worry about her hip which is causing her pain (she went to the orthopeadic surgeon who wanted to prescribe her pain pills! uggh!!! She declined and then later got upset and said to me, "I should call him and tell him to get his facts straight before offering pain medication!"). I worry on her schooling, if she will find a job (if she's even looking?).

I should be praising God at how far she has come, but my heart aches for her. I've reverted into that "she's my baby!!!!" feeling. And wishing I could make it all better for her.

Something that has helped me SO during my emotional weakness the past couple weeks is...
There is a young girl at church (28?) in recovery (actively working the steps etc). She is well-spoken, sweet and beautiful. She saw my worries and said to me (with a smile!)...
"She's out working on her testimony!"

It gives me comfort when I can pause long enough to think about this. I am 40, and I have MY own "testimony"... and here I am today just fine (well, you know what I mean!)

That statement gives HOPE, as a testimony is one's past that brought them to the (perceived) positive present.

I wish so much for my daughter, the best of everything. It is hard watching your child go through trials.

She's coming over tonight (in about an hour) to sleep over and then spend Christmas day with us. Tonight I am going to be thankful for all I have, including the wonderful daughter God blessed me with. Tonight I am going to love her and enjoy her for who she is, as she is.

Today I am blessed, and I know this. I have to fight those nagging, worrisome thoughts that intrude in my head, trying to rob me of my peace. For truly, today IS peaceful.

I wish anyone reading this a peaceful holiday :) and send love & hugs to my blogger friends!

Break's Over

2010-12-06T14:13:00.000-08:00

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I keep thinking I have to get back to writing on my blog, and today told myself - just do it!
It's been a busy couple of months with trips and house guests, one holiday past, I'm keeping up on my exercising, yoga and al-anon. Have yet to break out any Christmas decorations, but am so thankful that this year it's an option!
I've been fighting a bit of a depression the past couple weeks, but I've come to the realization that I think I am just lonely. I've talked to my husband about it and trying to pull through, maybe I'll write more in a later post.

In this post I just wanted to write an update on Heather and share some pictures from Sint Maarten/Saint Martin.

Heather is doing awesome - praise God - it's all relative - but in my new view she's doing awesome! She's back in school taking 4 classes (2 online) and looking for a job. She still suffers pain in her back and hip, but without the drugs, her attitude and outlook is so much better.

She's gone through the money she received from the accident and has sold her house (she'll still have that money - PLENTY - when it closes in January. We are helping her with some expenses and tuition reimbursement (we will pay her per credit hour after she passes a class and I have the logon to check her grades direct with the University). This is no longer a guarantee, but something we are doing to support her achievements. As long as she is off the oxycontin, respects us, and continues working toward "our goals", we see this as a help up versus throwing money into a pit, or a help down. I say "our goals" because what it really amounts to is that as long as she is doing what WE want. That sounds harsh, but through Al-Anon etc, we have learned that what she does in her life is between her and God. I am not her Higher Power and what "I" think she should do for her life may (probably isn't!) not be what God wants for her life, or even what is truly best for her. That being said, it is now OUR choice as to what involvement we want, what behaviors we support - versus before we were just sucked into an abyss thinking we had no choice. We are NOW exercising our choices, knowing we HAVE choices, and they're not set in stone.

I'm working to "keep my side of the street clean" and also make up for some things I personally did wrong in the past 20 years. Besides the obvious being a blind pushover (lol). I'm specifically talking about trying to physically show Heather my love for her with hugs and kisses. I've never been a "touchy-feely" kind of person, but now am seeing how much good that can do a child - even at 20 years old! And I see Heather light up at my display of affection. She even used a picture of the two of us (her kissing my cheek actually) as her Facebook profile picture. She said to me, "Mom you look so happy!" That just touched my heart and made it smile!

Okay - can't resist - I'll post that picture here briefly. You can also see how she has gained weight to where she is very healthy now since being off the oxy.

[photo removed]

Me & Heather (Not the best photo of either of us (oh well!), but you can see the love and can you even believe it if you read my posts from this time last year???)

***TRIP PHOTOS***

Sint Maarten/Saint Martin
What a great trip. It was the first trip my husband and I have taken alone (that wasn't business) since our wedding almost 12 years ago! I tried to pick a good sampling of pictures.

Infinity pool at condo

Oyster Pond

Philipsburg, Sint Maarten (Dutch side)

That's really me holding an alive sea star put in my hand by "Sea Urchin Man" (French side of Oyster Pond, pull up to the lookout and a local named Calvin - aka - Sea Urchin Man will walk you across/through the water to the island -for a tip if you are able- Calvin is the best kept secret on the island!)

Me holding a black sea urchin (Calvin knew how to handle it in a way that you won't get stung - DO NOT try this on your own!)

I don't know if this 2D picture does the extent of the incline of the streets there justice... think San Francisco...)

Marigot, Saint Martin (French side)

the mall in Marigot, Saint Martin (French side)

Cat's in the Cradle

2010-09-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then..."

I keep being reminded of this song by Harry Chapin. I haven't seen Heather in a month. We've spoken on the phone a few times, the calls have all seemed to go well. But whenever I bring up getting together she's too busy and can't find the time.

Heather is 20 now. I have heard of "empty nest syndrome" maybe this is what it is? My two step-daughters did not live with us - they lived with their mother in another state. My oldest step-daughter did not come to live with us until she was already 24... so I have no idea if this is what it's like when your kids "grow up".

That's about the extent of what I have been dealing with since my last post. I have been OVER BUSY with things of my own creating - working out with a trainer, bar classes, boxing, Nia, yoga, Al-Anon meetings, FarmVille - it's premiere week on television (I'm already behind on the SEVENTEEN shows I set up Season Passes for!)... it's all been good, but I miss Heather. I'm trying to tell myself "this is normal, this is how it's supposed to be, this is good". It's hard when your daughter doesn't "need" you anymore.

But our phone calls are good (as can be expected), even if they are far between...

Throwing out the "not talking about her Dad in this blog rule"...
I've been a little troubled over our last call though. Through her life her biological Dad has been "hard" on her. (Mentally. Like not talking to her for almost a year and telling her what a bad daughter she is for example. Or texting her he was going to kill himself and that the blood would be on her hands. Or actually smoking pot WITH her.) Since we moved to Florida 8 years ago he has not lived in the same state, so her in-person contact has been very limited.

In our last phone call she shared that over the past couple weeks she's been going through it with him. She WANTS to have a relationship with him. She IS trying. For her part, she seems to be responding very level-headedly to him this time. (For my part, I truly try to stay out of it. I believe in "not saying bad things about the other parent to the kids" - admittedly I am not always successful, but I do try, and I really try to foster a relationship between Heather and her paternal grandparents and uncles [wonderful people by the way] when things aren't going well between her and her Dad.)

Apparently they were talking a bit after another period of silence and then he contacted her and she was busy and couldn't get back to him for awhile. And then it started... the emails about what a horrible person she is... he used unflattering adjectives to describe her, said how she would be all alone and to "have fun in the world".

(As usual) I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to bash him, and I (obviously) couldn't support him either. I told her that (the adjectives) weren't true. And that she was a wonderful, loving, caring person. And that I loved her very much. My heart was aching.

Her voice changed to a "bored-sounding" tone. She said, "I know Mom. I'm at my hair appointment now and have to go in..."

[cue music]
And the Cat's in the Cradle...

My husband and I are off to the Al-Anon convention in St. Pete tomorrow (runs Friday - Sunday), and Heather MIGHT be able to make a dinner with me next week :) And I just remember that God is good.

Time time time...

2010-08-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

All the things I have learned in Al-Anon, from books, and from other blogs etc. have been so helpful to me in so many ways - not just regarding Heather - in all aspects of my life.

However, regarding Heather, I'm doing things I probably should have been doing all along, things that I think are beneficial to myself and to Heather. Letting her handle her own problems is not "tough love", it's letting her work through consequences the same way I do. Letting her handle her own life is not "tough love", it's letting her feel the full accomplishments and accolades of her own successes. I make a mistake, I deal with the consequences, I have a doctor's appointment, I get myself there, fill out paperwork, make payment, I do something good, I reap the rewards, etc etc etc.

By stepping out of her life, I have more time to deal with my own. By stepping out of her life, God has more room to work directly with Heather. By stepping out of her life, she has more room to bloom.

BUT OH MY GOSH is it HARD!!! I don't know if it is me or the way I was raised or society or what, but I am a mother - her mother - and all I want to do is love her and take care of her.

Yesterday she got her remaining wisdom teeth out. She did not ask for any financial help, she did not ask for any physical help. She made the appointments herself, when I talked to her the day before she was driving the films from one doctor to another. She was doing this all on her own. (Of course I did call her to remind her about how horrible dry sockets are so to not try to smoke... ironic thing, she thought I was calling to remind her to be careful of the painkiller prescriptions and said she already knows... I was like that's great, but I forgot about those, I was actually calling about dry sockets!)

I wanted to be there, to help - drive her to the appointments, make her soup, pay for the surgery, whatever. But she didn't ask for my help in any way. I sent her a text yesterday saying I hope it went well, but haven't heard back from her.

Sunday night I had dinner with her and 2 of her friends. We had a fun evening. She looks great, though there wasn't much "personal" talk as her friends were there - but that's cool - we had a good time. She looks great.

I am so proud of her how she is handling everything - HER LIFE - on her own. My need to love on her is just that - MY need. Those "voices" in my head say, "She's going to think you don't love her b/c you didn't do xyz." I KNOW I love her, I KNOW we are there if she needs us. I am working through all these feelings.

Time just seems to be moving on and while she is proceeding with her life, I am working on moving mine forward.

In the upcoming months I have to look forward to many things:
my step-daughter visiting
my friend visiting
my parents visiting
a trip to New Jersey
a trip to St. Pete for the Al-Anon convention
a trip to St. Maarten
on a daily basis I continue with my trainer, yoga, boxing, and Al-Anon

Heather is working hard and having many successes. Not everything she does is as I would WANT, and some stuff she tells me really freaks me out, but nonetheless I am so proud of her. I am just trying to figure out the balance for ME in HER life.

Alcohol

2010-07-20T19:32:00.001-07:00

So I'm like, she's off the Oxy and off the marijuana...

Somehow, whenever I try to anticipate A-B-C-D-E-F-G got them all - no wait - H... covered... Heather manages to come up with Q...

I wrote back in April about her evening of drinking so much I called an ambulance... (post "Oh what a night")

Today I talked to her on the phone for the first time in over a week. The last time I had met her for dinner she told me about "Jane" drinking so much at a party she got sick out Heather's car window.
Well, today she said, "Remember how I told you about 'Jane'? Well the weekend before last 'Lara' got sick out my car window, then this weekend I got sick out my car window."

Was she bragging??? A call for help??? Couldn't really figure out why she was telling me this...

I didn't mention it in my last post because at the time I didn't think anything about it (denial: "oh, college kids")... but when I went over when she was sick (the real flu)... there were a bunch of dirty shot glasses in her sink.

As usual, I am just reporting here...
BUT
I keep wavering between my "Al-Anon training" and obsessing of all the horrible things that could happen while she's under the influence that much.

I never wrote before (I don't think), but a couple months ago we were talking about me going to Al-Anon and she said (for herself) that she no longer sees a need to go "and dredge up all that stuff from the past" (her biological father would be her "qualifier")... "It just makes me miserable remembering and I'd rather just move forward and live my life."

Back then I wasn't pleased with hearing that b/c I think she could really benefit from Al-Anon, but like everything else, it is not in my control. BUT, thinking back to that statement now... well, I guess I think... she could really benefit from Al-Anon... or NA or AA...

Not that what I think matters.

Such wisdom...

2010-07-09T17:11:00.000-07:00

In the July 12, 2010 issue of People magazine, there is a story about Elizabeth Edwards. Wow, is what I said as I read a quote from her, and then one from her daughter.

From Elizabeth Edwards, "Some things I can say, 'This is just fate.' Those things are easy. The things that are imposed on you by other people are really hard."

From her daughter Cate (on things her mother taught her), "Or how to continue to live your life on your own terms when it somehow becomes savaged by people you never invited into it."

Obviously these comments apply to her life... but I personally love this on so many levels/facets.

Doing well

2010-07-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

Things with Heather are going well. I still believe she is no longer using the Oxy, not sure about the pot. BUT, she has been treating me well and our relationship has been nice.

She lives an hour and a half away from me and is financially on her own. Looks like she never has any intention of going for a treatment program... at this time... I guess I'll know 5-10 years from now or next week or never if she needed one or was able to truly stop on her own. I am working hard at ACCEPTANCE - letting her live her life as she choses without my interfering. Keeping my mouth shut when she says she dropped (another) class (last week) etc. (leaked out!) and allowing God to work in her life and the two of them know the plan. I don't need to.

I do know that we went to dinner last week and had a great time.
I do know that when I went to see her last night she was wonderful to me.
She got really sick with the flu on Wednesday (I hate that I have to question whether or not it even is the flu!!! arrgh). She called me Wednesday and asked what to do, I told her to see a doctor - I didn't drop every thing and race out - as I couldn't anyway, we have friends staying for the next 10 days (and then family coming right after!). BUT, last night our friends went to the racetrack - and are there again today - race finally started I guess - I did go out and visit her. When I got there she was burning up with a fever, I got her medicine for her from the refrigerator (amoxicillin) and brought her 7-Up and saltine crackers. She was sooooo sweet to me and sooooo thankful. I think that now that she has been doing things on her own/for herself for almost a year, she is that much more appreciative/cognizant of when someone helps. The doctor also gave her cough medicine with codeine... she made a comment when she showed it to me and said, "I was like arrrr I just got over that..." (Of course as a mother I immediately leaped to "OH NO!!!" BUT, then I said, let go, let God... get out of His way!)

Along with acceptance, I have been working (and succeeding a lot) at letting go and letting God.

Things are good.

When I drove home last night I felt so peaceful. It was such a great feeling.

New blog

2010-06-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

ADVERTISEMENT :)

My dear friend's Dad has started a blog called Bunker Brief, http://www.bunkerbrief.blogspot.com, "A conservative view point on today's political events".

I'm not experienced at in-depth political thoughts... (lol)... but I thought I'd post it here in case anyone else knows politics/government events and would like to venture away from addiction and into politics for a break, just click on the link above.

God bless.

Short update - good call

2010-06-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say after leaving her another message today - she actually called back - and was great.

We had a great conversation about a lot of things, she updated me on what she has been doing and some new friends she has made.

She sounded great.
She told me she loved me too when we hung up.

Light-hearted post

2010-06-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

First a quick update - we are back from the Keys - had a great trip :) Took advice from the comments on last post - THANKS!!! - and meditated and prayed. Felt to call when I wasn't "H.A.L.T." - and my husband confirmed by saying - you might as well b/c you are doing a terrible job of not obsessing either way...
Called Heather on Sunday - at 4:00 (lol Anna!) and left a message with "I love you".
She called back the next day sounding DREARY, ironically at 6:02 pm Monday - 2 minutes after the wedding started! NO I love you in her message, just dreary.
I called her back 2 days later (when it was good for ME) - yesterday - again at 4pm.
Nothing since.
**********************

Oh - note - apparently Wordpress was having difficulties tonight - finally got through on most - but "addictionstinks" - I wrote you a LONG comment - hit to post and was told that, "Oops! They detected a problem..." Gave up, but the gist of it was Patsy is fortunate to have you and you're doing great with her!
**********************

LIGHT-HEARTED TIME
I've been wanting to write about this random thing - WORD VERIFICATION when leaving comments! "WORD" Verification implies "words" - right???

So here are some I've had to type in:

They often seem SUSPICIOUSLY like words...

everi (vogue way to spell every)
mooprog (a cow's prognosis)
hydroc (a syrup for sore throats)
wownee (Wowie!)
zinges (a real zinger that one)
dentame (like a new cosmetic dental procedure)
tophorn (self-explanatory - the horn that's on top of course)
elbathon (a marathon crawled on your knees and elbows)
downy (fabric softener - duh!)
cympoles (an instrument where you clang together two short metal poles)
kingun (a very small kingdom)
cotimp (when a coyote mates with a chimpanzee)

Then there's the problem of automatic fill-in on the browser... so when I go to type in the word verification "ionsp" - AS SOON AS I type the first letter "i" auto-fill wants to provide me with:
incidi
inesces
inflec
inger
inglud
ingned
ingot
ingsi
ingwo
inisant
I'm like, Uh, thanks for the assist! lol

Okay - been dying to discuss the Word Verification for quite some time now! Glad to get it OUT :)

Page 21 of the manual says...

2010-06-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

Geez, if only it were that easy! It's been a week and a half since I talked to Heather. She hasn't called.

We leave for Key West early Sunday morning and I'd like to talk to her to let her know we'll be gone. Habit I guess. But do I call her??? Do I not call her???

I try not to talk about her biological Dad on this blog, but my dilemma won't make sense without background... In his defense, he has addiction as well as mental illness issues...
Anyway, he goes periods with not talking to Heather for up to a year at a time... for example, saying she is such a terrible child that when she changes to call him... texting her that he's going to kill himself and the blood will be on her hands... telling her she is selfish and self-absorbed and wants nothing to do with her until she can treat him properly... etc.

Currently she hasn't seen him in... over a year maybe??? He came to Florida earlier this year "to see her" but ended up staying in Tampa and not seeing her at all (I won't go into the details). And communication over the phone has been spotty, and since the Florida trip incident, non-existent the past three months or so.
This HAS to affect a child...
My ex-father-in-law (whom I love dearly) told me that early last week Heather sent this RANDOM text message to her Dad that said only, "I hate you."

So now I'm faced with do I call Heather. I want to because I love her.

But I don't know if I am calling:
Heather #1 - who will use it to "wield her power over me" and make me feel miserable. OR
Heather #2 - who just wants so badly to have a family and not be rejected that she's grateful for my call.

My last post tells all that happened in our last conversation(s) over a week ago... all was going well before then. I love her and do not want her to feel alone and unloved. BUT, then I think these feelings of mine are what got me in trouble in the first place (pre-intervention, pre-Al-Anon).

One call to tell her I love her and we'll be out of town... If I can muster the strength to OWN my feelings instead of "her making me feel"... Maybe I'll wait until we're on our way to Key West to give her another day where maybe she will call me...

Maybe I won't hold my breath...

I've been procrastinating writing this...

2010-05-29T14:03:00.001-07:00

b/c obviously I'd rather dwell in my misery.
But first a little more procrastination... the trip to Cincy went great! Everyone asked about Heather and I responded with "She's great. Last year was hard but she's back on track for 2010." I then asked something about them... and that was that!

Okay, the tough part...
While we were in Cincy my husband received an e-mail from Heather... she asked if we would pay for her college.

Back up...
I always told Heather we would pay for her college, "As long as you don't get on drugs and fail out." I felt that since we had the means, that it was important for us to see her through 4 more years of an undergraduate. We paid for tuition, books, rent (water & electric), car, car insurance, car maintenance etc and gave her $150 a week for groceries and fun.

Then the money came for her accident last May - $350,000 ($100,000 from the boy's policy and $250,000 from ours for UM/UIM). She said she couldn't ask for money from us since she had so much. BUT, I felt that money was for future medical expenses, so was still willing to help for the actual college tuition and a few other things.
Since we were no longer paying her expenses and she gave us back the Grand Cherokee she was driving, I felt some other things would be "okay" (like we gave her $ for two tires when she drove over nails with her new car...).

Then the weird behavior...

We had co-signed on her apartment she was living in (as we were paying for it). Little did we know she'd get a dog (when no dogs were allowed) and proceed to let it poop all over the apartment - and not clean it up. Last June we paid a couple thousand dollars to the apartment complex for new carpet etc since Heather wasn't going to (she never quite made sense to me with her arguments as to why she wasn't...). Since we had co-signed, we were left holding the bag (and doing 18 hours of manual labor since Heather didn't see fit to help us move her out/clean up the mess). We said this is the last straw, we were not entangling ourselves with her financially again. We cancelled the credit card we had given her and removed her from our Blockbuster account (which she continually had late fees on). At this point we did not "know" about the drugs...

College - first semester at the University 2009 (Jan - May) we paid for 4 courses - she dropped 3, we never saw any return money. She didn't take any classes in the summer. Fall 2009 she was in 4 classes at the time of the intervention, so I don't know how those ended up, but it seemed as though she moved from Orlando to Tally before the semester was over). First semester 2010 (Jan - May) at the community college in Tally, not sure how she fared with the classes in total, but I know she failed a history class (she insists it was due to the teacher).

Today...
When we got back from the wedding she called me. She asked if we had made a decision. I told her that we would "pay for performance" - when she got her grades at the end of the Summer semester, we would pay her back for any classes she got an A, B or C in.
She was not happy about this... "My whole life you promised to pay for my college education."
"That was if you didn't get on drugs."
"Because I was in a car accident and the doctor's prescribed them to me I got addicted." (She didn't mention that she did drugs before the accident, not Oxy though, or remember how her senior year of high school we paid an attorney $3,500 when the school accused her of taking Xanax so she wouldn't be suspended. [I know, I'm embarrassed.])

Then she said, "What about other things, like rent and living expenses?"
I said I don't think we can do that.
(BESIDES the car & house she went through $200,000 since May 2009. She bought the house for $120,000 and car for $50,000... Out of the $350,000 PLUS a $8,000 tax refund for purchasing the house, and an additional $1,000 a month in rent for 6 months, and was selling stuff on e-bay... and is now down to about $30,000 cash??? And yes, we tried to talk to her about budgeting and no she didn't listen... she didn't listen to anything we said... she wanted to do what she wanted to do...)
And now she's upset b/c we won't just fork over more money to her???

She said she'll save us the money b/c she's not going to take our offer, that she'll do it on her own. I won't continue what was said in this conversation, as it was more of her being upset, then she ended it with, "Take care of yourself." I said, "Wait, you're rejecting your Mom b/c we won't pay for college up front?" She said No, that she just couldn't talk to me anymore right now.

She called back a couple days later and basically told me that I have no faith in her. That she's not doing drugs and is doing good (which is true as far as I can tell), but I don't have faith in her. Therefore she can not see me for a while as it is too hard on her... a reminder of all she lost b/c she did drugs. We had planned to go see Sex & the City 2 together, she said she made plans to go see it with a friend instead. The conversation was REALLY CONFUSING as she told me she loved me and we would have a great relationship sometime... on the other hand saying how I have no faith in her and she can't see me for awhile. Oh, and how she didn't realize my promise of paying for her college was so fickle...

I have been fighting depression about this all week. I've been using God & things I've learned in Al-Anon to get through chunks of time, but then it hits me - sadness.

I guess when it comes down to it, from all I have learned, I DO have faith in her IF SHE has to pay for it up front. I do NOT have faith in her if WE pay for the tuition up front.

My heart aches. I feel guilty for saying no, but feel I did the right thing. I just keep hearing her hurt voice and accusations.

I KNOW we are doing the right thing. I KNOW saying no is hard. I KNOW God is in charge. I KNOW my relationship with her is hard. BUT, that doesn't change that I've been losing the battle all week to stop feeling that this STINKS!!!

This is so confusing to me.
I finally thought maybe if I wrote it all out I'd feel better or have a revelation... okay, I've written it...

Cincinnati here I come...

2010-05-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

Leaving in the morning for Cincinnati for the wedding I've mentioned in some comments. I am thankful for recent posts (and the comments to those posts) on A Mom's Serious Blunder and on Her Big Sad for helping me prepare/gain strength for the trip...

Well, more specifically the onslaught of questions about Heather from concerned family members (Mom's side of the family - Mom was one of 11 kids so there are almost 40 of us cousins - it's one of my cousin's who is getting married).

I have practiced and prepared!

I love my extended family, but fact of the matter is, I love Heather most of all. She's doing great, I plan to leave it at that and direct the conversation back to them/their kids.

Also something that has really given me help in the preparation is ODAT - August 4th... Great page on EXPECTATIONS! Reminded me that I too don't always live up to other's expectations AND Heather doesn't have to live up to each of the family member's (or mine!) expectations either.

She's doing great!

Now what I won't tell them but I will write here - she told me tonight on the phone that today she "got rid of all her paraphernalia"... pause... I say "that's great"... she says... "except the bong... I'm not smoking pot, but I just can't throw it away, but I'm not sure how to sell it..." ummm....??? I let it go!!!

She also said that she is helping her one guy friend stay of Oxy (4 weeks now I think?), and that he too is no longer smoking pot and they are helping each other.

Just reporting here!

I won't be on the blogs - probably not at all the way this trip is working out - until next week when I get back. But I am bringing my prayer list so will continue praying for those on my blog list (and Carolyn & her daughter "H" - if you're reading this - you too!).

She's come a long way...

2010-05-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband and I met Heather in Orlando for dinner. This was the first time my husband had seen her in 6 months. It was a wonderful dinner - but the most wonderful part were her positive changes. This is the second time I have seen her (the other was over a month ago I think), so she is staying the course.

She looked great - no dark circles under her eyes, skin was clear, hair & make-up were done, nice clean outfit.
She didn't talk about any nonsense. Spent most of last year thinking, what in the world is she talking about??? But everything she discussed last night made sense.
She didn't blow up at me/us, or get nasty. Didn't ask for money or help with anything.
She was on time!!!
etc etc etc

I just can't believe how far she has come! ON HER OWN ACCORD!

She talked about wondering what people thought of her when she was on the drugs, (like looking back now she can see more what she was doing) and if they can see the difference now.
We were like, Uh Yes... duh...

She said she is trying to never smoke pot again in her life. So I am guessing she is drug-free (besides her prescription meds). She said her guy-friend (her only friend left in Orlando) has been off Oxy for three weeks and she is trying to help him through it and to stay off.

On the drive home I felt so much peace and happiness on one hand, then some nervousness on the other, like is this really true??? She seems too good to be true. But, my husband and I are in agreement, she's either off drugs or the best actress ever!!! Because, in addition to this being my second positive (perfect!) dinner with her, she has been consistent in good phone calls too. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for her, I really feel the prayers are what have gotten us to this point. I know God is working!

"Life is Good" award

2010-05-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

Sherry at Awakening Through Love honored me with the Life is Good award. Thank you Sherry :) Life is good! I have to remember - glass half full!

Here are my answers to the questions:
1. What would your perfect day consist of? My husband and I watching dvd movies all day and eating snacks - and doing nothing else - no computer - no phone!
2. How would you describe yourself if you were an article of clothing? Jeans
3. What hobbies are you currently working on? 2 websites (design/programming)
4. Walking in the woods in wellies or barefoot on the beach? barefoot on the beach!
5. Have you ever hugged or sang to a tree? no
6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket? supermarket
7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree? no, but there's a red-headed woodpecker in a tree in the backyard! lol
8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper? BOTH
9. Which element do you most resonate with: Earth, Air, Fire or Water? Air
10. Do you believe in fairies? No, but I believe in God's angels

**I would like to pass this award on to the following bloggers:
Barbara at Recovery Happens
Helga at Patiently Waiting
Josh at Diving into the Mind of a Recovering Addict
LisaC at Loving and Parenting an Addict
**If you have time, post it as I have and answer the questions :)

Thanks again Sherry - Life is Good!

Heather moved back today.

2010-05-11T18:31:00.001-07:00

On Mother's Day Heather called to wish me a Happy MD, she left a message while we were at church. AND before I could call her back - she called again :)
Anyway, during the conversation she said she hired movers to move her Tuesday (today) back to Orlando (to her townhouse there) from Tallahassee.

She didn't ask for my help, so I didn't help. Actually when she told me about moving back it didn't even dawn on me to offer to help - what a HUGE change I can attribute to Al-Anon - I used to offer to help and force my help unsolicited any chance I could. The fact that it didn't even dawn on me says something about my growth I believe. BUT, it did dawn on my Mom who called me to see if I was going to help (Heather called both grandma's on MD too).

NOW I had a quandary. So I prayed and prayed and discussed it with my husband.

In the past I always offered help before I was asked, and see where it got me. Insanity. When something doesn't work and I keep doing the same thing over and over... SO, I left it at that and didn't call and offer my services. I know I prayed and truly feel I did the right thing.

BUT, of course that doesn't mean I was "okay"... GUILT and FEAR has played a big part of the past couple days. Guilt that I'm a "bad mom" and fear that she's "all alone and needs me". She said she doesn't have any friends left in Orlando but one guy friend, "who's been clean for a month". She has her dog, but I am thinking I need to rush over so she doesn't feel lonely and abandoned and get depressed.

Okay, I prayed about it, I've learned from the past and from Al-Anon. SHE DIDN'T ASK FOR MY HELP. So every time guilt or fear sneaks in (at least 1 time an hour), I catch it after so many minutes and pass it back to God.

In church on Sunday one of the homeless men shared something awesome. He said that "God is hugemongus" (I have no idea how to spell that word, but it is the one that he used.). That "God is hugemongus and can handle anything. But when we worry we make our problems big and God small." He used his hands and said, "BIG problem, SMALL God. When it should be our BIG God can handle any problems."

I've thought about that a lot the past couple days. Surely God can take care of Heather, He has thus far.

p.s. On the phone Sunday Heather and I talked about a lot of plans to see each other since she will only be an hour and a half away now. She even said how she wants to come out here so we can go to the beach together. I'm excited to be living in closer proximity again!

Florida is coming around

2010-05-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

My husband forwarded me this article regarding new rules for pain clinics in Florida a couple days ago, just now got around to reading it.

Looks like Florida is going from the most lenient state to the most strict with regulation of pain clinics. Hopefully setting some standards for the country.

The legislation bans clinics from advertising narcotics. (Which interestingly enough as we drove to Ft. Lauderdale last week, I happened to notice the pain clinic billboards started about a hundred miles out at mile marker 140.)

It also prohibits doctors from dispensing more than 72 hours of pain killers to self-pay (without insurance) patients. (South Florida is known for pain clinics where you can walk-in, pay cash for a MRI, diagnosis and medications - pills are dispensed in the office, causing people from all over the country to fly there for one stop shopping of pills to re-sell.)

Also highlighted is that increased pain management training will be required for doctors by 2012.

Other things were also addressed in the legislation that passed last Thursday.

Late last year plans for a state-wide prescription data base was passed. (To stop pill shopping.)

I know this doesn't stop drug addiction, as there are always other ways to obtain drugs or other drugs.

Can't remember if I wrote this before, but I had been working on a letter to send to my Florida state representatives when my husband sat next to the Chairperson of the state Senate (I believe this was his title if memory serves me! lol) on an airplane. My husband discussed illegal prescription pill abuse and Florida's culpability. When my husband came home, I forwarded the "rough draft" letter I had written along with links to dozens of articles (including the OxyContin Express YouTube video) to my husband, who in turn forwarded it to the state Senator as he requested (as they were in session or about to go in session...).

My point with mentioning the above about my husband, my letter and notes, and the Senator - is that although the legislation will in no way stop drug addiction/abuse - it is a positive step AND it feels good when you feel like your government is listening - at least a bit! :)

Short update on (lack of) calls

2010-05-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

So I called on the way down South Thursday. She didn't pick up so I left a message saying I was on my way to Coral Springs. She called back TO THE HOUSE Friday (left a garbled message), and again Saturday (no message, name just showed up in caller ID per house-sitter).

I called her Saturday about an hour after her call - she answered, I said I couldn't really talk long b/c I had to get ready to go out, and she said she couldn't talk anyway, so we exchanged I love yous and that was it. I called her again on the car ride home and left another message, she hasn't responded.

That's it.

Going back to Coral Springs made me remember "how things used to be". We had a great time visiting with friends, but I have felt this underlying sadness. I find myself wishing to be able to go back in time to "normal" days. I just really miss my daughter. I think part of this also just comes with "empty nest syndrome". I'm trying my best to put this sadness and longing for the past out of my head, but it's been a struggle.

On the highway I was having a little internal war, and looked over and saw a billboard that said "JESUS" (that's all it said). At least it stopped my agonizing for the rest of the ride, every time my brain wanted to go there I'd picture the billboard.

I know it does no good to wish things were different. I'm going to my Al-Anon meeting tonight and hope my head gets straight :)

Don't dial for pain

2010-04-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

A woman at one of my Al-Anon meetings mentions this quite often. Basically I did this through 2009. I'd call Heather, she wouldn't answer and I'd start worrying, then she wouldn't call back, I'd get mad she wasn't calling me back, or worry something had happened. Or she'd answer and couldn't talk, or be snippy, bored, condescending, or even outright mean. This was in the middle of the Oxy use.

Once we re-connected late January 2010, I have left it that she calls me. I don't call her. It has worked for me. Our conversations have been good, she has been good, but she has been calling me when it is a good time for her. I WORRY that if I call her, she won't answer (causing me to worry), won't call back (causing me to worry), I may catch her when she is with friends and can't talk (which leaves me feeling anxious), I may call in the middle of her getting high or after she has done so and maybe I'll be able to tell she's "under the influence" (causing me to worry). By not calling her I don't have to WORRY.

BUT, as I have learned with detachment, to separate the disease from the person, and to treat the person with love & respect. Well, she's my daughter, and I love her, and things have been going well between us. I got to thinking maybe it would show her love for me to call her on occasion. I couldn't decide what to do so I did nothing.

THEN, on Monday in a phone call she said, "Mom, you can call me. It makes me sad that no one calls me."

So I'm thinking I will call her on occasion - when I want to call her. I won't call her b/c I feel I have to call her, or to nosy in her business, but I'll call her when it's to satisfy a need for me. Just to tell my daughter I love her.

I'm nervous that I might "dial for pain", but at this point I am willing to give it a try.

I am driving back down South where we used to live to visit some friends tomorrow for a long weekend. I plan to make my first call to her and give it a try during the ride down.

Love

2010-04-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

I love my daughter so much that sometimes it hurts. I find myself going to Al-Anon meetings and learning to change my behaviors and take care of myself.

I feel like I have made good progress.

It's still hard.

As far as I know Heather is no longer doing Oxy, only pot. Whatever. Our phone conversations are good, she says she misses me. Quite a few times she has said she wants to come visit (we live 6 hours away). Even though this involves her bringing her big boxer dog added to my 2 little nervous dogs resulting in craziness, I get my hopes up. My heart aches to see her, spend time with her.

A topic in a meeting a couple days ago was broken promises. I've learned with Heather she doesn't always follow through as I would "expect", even when I try not to have "expectations" somehow "hope" sneaks in, not sure where the line is between hope & expectations.

Our phone calls are great, but as I am not asking any questions or prying into her life, it can feel like I am pretending - pretending everything is okay. When we spoke on Sunday she told me she is failing a class. Some kind of History class. She says she studied as much as she could and has failed 3 out of 4 exams (hasn't had the 4th). I wanted to say, "Math or Chemistry I understand failing, sometimes you just don't get it. In this case obviously you didn't study enough - it's memorization - that means more time studying and you can pass - when you're getting high you can be fooled into thinking you've studied enough." What I actually said was, "Oh, that stinks."

I'm learning that my expectations are just that MY expectations. I do not know what God's plan is for her, or the route she has to take to get there. It's none of my business if she fails the class, nor should I spend my time obsessing over it, I need to take care of my own life and not pass judgement on her. I need to know that she is my daughter whom I love dearly, but also that she is her own person, responsible for her own actions.

In a book I am reading it says, "We cannot make choices for other people, even those most important to us. We are not gods, and we can't truly know what is best for anyone else, no matter how obvious a particular course of action may seem to us at the time."

What I need to know is I love her and love does not mean controlling her or making her conform to my ideas. I can love her exactly where she is and for who she is.

(Oh, the book referenced above is, "How Al-Anon Works, for Families & Friends of Alcoholics". This book is sooooo great, it has so many pearls of wisdom and explanations that make sense. The cover and title do not do justice to ALL the information contained inside! It has tons! I highly recommend this book!)

Email address...

2010-04-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, somehow I didn't have my email address on my profile... I do now :) It was as simple as clicking a box!
Anyway, it is:

heathersmom1 at gmail dot com

Those of you who have been emailing me... how'd you know the address??? huh.

God bless.

An interesting thought...

2010-04-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

Chemically Dependent or Co-Dependent?
I recently finished reading Melody Beattie's book, "The New Codependency".

In one section she talks about something called "pseudo addiction" - drinking or taking drugs to get over the pain caused by co-dependency. Some alcoholics may be codependents and it is important to distinguish which is the primary problem and which is the secondary problem.

Like with Heather (due to her father) - is she a "double winner" as I've heard it called at meetings? Or could alcoholism/addiction be a secondary problem? (Or maybe I'm just dreaming!)

I can't go into enough detail here to fully explain what Melody wrote, but if you'd like to read more I recommend reading the book. This part was a very small part in a book chock-full of great insights and help regarding codependency and taking care of yourself.

I've just been thinking of this a lot since I read the book. Not that I've come to any conclusions, but I would be grateful if Heather started (and continued) going to any one of Al-Anon, AA or NA.

I did get a lot of other great help for myself reading this book, I can in good conscience recommend it as an A+. While I'm at it, From Survival to Recovery (the Al-Anon published book) also gets an A+.

God bless all.

Oh what a night...

2010-04-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

So, our landline rang at 3:04 am last night. I looked at the caller ID - it was Heather. But when I picked up she wasn't there. So, I called back her cell 2xs and it went straight to voicemail. My husband said she probably "pocket-dialed" us and we determined it was okay to go back to bed. 5 minutes later it rang again. It was her.

"Heather, are you okay?"
"No." (feebly)
"No?"
"No."
"What's going on? What's wrong?"
"I haven't dranken in a long time. I think I'm going to die... I think I'm going to die..."
"Um."
"I can't stop throwing up. I haven't dranken in a long time. I think I'm going to die..."
"Do you want me to call an ambulance?"
"I don't know."
"Did you take any drugs with the alcohol?"
[sounded like she said "No."]
"So no you didn't take any drugs... was it beer or liquor?"
Phone went dead...

Tried calling back for 15 minutes, phone just rang and rang before going to voice mail each time. Discussed with my husband. Called the Tallahassee police and they sent an ambulance. Told me to call back in and hour to see how it turned out.

Praise God for my blogger friends... how do you stay up for an hour in the middle of the night on Ambien??? Stressed out, freaking out and trying to stay calm??? Read blogs and make comments of course!!!
Called the ambulance back. They went there, all lights were out and they banged on the door no one answered. After awhile they left. They said they saw a dog in the window. Heather never goes anywhere without putting her dog in his cage. Was she home and dying on the floor so couldn't answer the door? (You know my mind zooms immediately to the worst even though one of my favorite quotes from a Greg Isles book says, "Our worst fears are seldom realized." I tried telling myself that.) My husband and I prayed.

By now it is 5:00 am. Heather continues to not answer her phone. Even though I knew better (for my sake), I called Heather's dad b/c he was supposed to be in Florida visiting her. I thought he was closer and could maybe drive over... he was already back home up North, no longer in Florida and could not help (and said some disturbing things to add to my upsetness I won't go into). My husband says to get some sleep b/c there's nothing we can do, but we should be rested in case we need to drive to Tally in the morning. Sleep??? I thought to ODAT page 124, do what you would normally do (paraphrased)... okay sleep. How??? Praise God again for my blogger friends... I prayed for them, concentrated on praying for them to take my mind away from ME. I remember praying for 4 families (won't mention which 4 got the extra prayer so no one is jealous! lol) before sleep must have come b/c I woke up and it was (early) morning. (BTW, so much for my morning plans...)

Tried calling her again (and again, and again). Left a message call me, let me know you're alive. Sent an email saying same. Tried to figure out if I should drive to Tally - but what good would that do? And fact of the matter is, with cell phones, I had never even asked her where she was... Picked up Courage to Change looked up "crises". Page 47, reach out to someone else, others have experienced similar (paraphrased)... called my sponsor. She said driving to Tally - what could I do? Gave me some really great ideas, put me "in right mind" lol, I won't go into everything, but the important one...

I called Heather's best friend CR's mom M. M called CR and CR's boyfriend. At 11:30 Heather called me. She was just leaving the cell phone store, she had dropped hers' in the toilet last night... arrghh...
She apologized was so thankful I cared and that I had called the ambulance. Wanted me to know she "never drinks" and didn't know her tolerance when "they" started doing shots. I said 3xs through the conversation (Kathy M - I know... 3xs = controlling!!!... I couldn't help myself.) that she needs to go to AA, NA or Al-Anon. That she would find the peace she is looking for at any of the three...

Our phone call went great until... I told her I called her Dad... that really upset her (I won't go into details, but it sounds as if she has recently "separated" from him again.). When she called I also had told her I had hung up on M (best friend's mom) to answer the phone. She said (besides what she said about her dad), if I could please no longer tell M or anyone else all the bad stuff she's done. She went on to say if I can't promise that she's no longer going to tell me anything. (manipulation!!!) That M has included her with their family and she doesn't want M to think badly of her. I said, M loves you and she knows you no longer do drugs... silence... "What do you mean she knows I NO LONGER do drugs???" TENSION over the phone lines. "How does she know???" I said, "Because I called her and told her." brief silence/major tension crackling/my stomach is clenched...
"Great mom, great. (irritated) I'll talk to you later. I'll just talk to you later. Bye."

I called M and told her Heather is alive but obviously mad at me (I had told M MONTHS ago to give her the heads up with her daughter since they were best friends... not to "gossip" about my daughter!).
M said, "If she is alive and breathing enough to be mad at you... Great!"

Night Update: She called and apologized tonight for how she spoke to me at the end of our conversation and said she was just overwhelmed hearing that (about telling her dad and M) and that she understood why I did what I did. She said she loved me.

answer to "Dad"

2010-04-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Dad" wrote this as part of his comment to my last post,"I don't want to bring you down but I am curious about how the grandpa's and grandma's are doing with this contact? Also where are you now with the interventionist?"

I thought it'd be good to answer here, as it would also serve as a way for me to process "where things are" for myself.

Heather has still not had any contact with any of her 4 grandparents. She has mentioned them in various conversations, I guess she is processing through some things she's struggling with in her relationships with them. During a conversation last week on the phone she did mention that "[she] needs to contact her grandmas". I know what some of these issues are, but I am truly *trying* to not get in the middle (my favorite saying from Kathy M: if it doesn't have my name on it...). I am keeping the grandparents updated on Heather though so they know what's going on (as long as it doesn't break any confidences Heather may have shared with me).

The interventionist:
It's a little confusing to me b/c I do not want to "take advantage" of his time. We paid for "the intervention" and the costs associated with it. According to him, he is there for us as long as it takes. I still feel bad as "we" are obviously taking up more time than usual. He actually called Heather himself and spoke to her the weekend before she finally called me in January. I know it was his conversation with her that had to be the catalyst to her finally initiating contact with me.

As far as I am concerned the intervention WAS a success. It put a HALT on an entire family spiraling out of control. I'm learning new behaviors and experiencing peace. Heather got the message that we are serious, that the drug is serious and made changes in her life. Heather is now "self-supporting" - meaning she pays her own bills, makes her own doctor's appointments, contacts her own professors, etc. I have learned that by me doing all these things for her in the past was sending the message that I didn't think she was capable of doing for herself. She is doing for herself now. I am no longer cleaning up messes.

Heather says she is only smoking pot now, no longer doing the oxy (at least the last time we discussed drugs, maybe in February?). The interventionist said he has never been called to do an intervention on someone who only smokes pot.

The interventionist calls to check in every now and then. He says I am doing great and to keep going to Al-Anon and keep practicing what I am learning there. To let him know if there are any changes in Heather either way (getting help or getting worse).

Right now I guess that's where we are... trying to keep serenity while we see where this goes. Waiting to exhale.

She's trying to *do things* on her own. Right now it appears as if she is moving forward this way. BUT as long as she is still smoking pot, "partying", I am fully aware it could take a turn for the worse. (Or if she is doing other drugs and just doing a very good job hiding it right now).

I just don't know. The one thing I do know is that I have to continue in MY recovery through Al-Anon to be as "healthy" as I can be. It could go great and the worse is over, or the worse could be yet to come. Ever the optimist (*denialist*) I hope the worse is over.

Time will tell.

I love her so much.

But yes, I guess that sums it up: either the worse is over or the worse is yet to come.

It was great :)

2010-03-31T17:31:00.000-07:00

Interesting thing, today is March 31 - exactly 5 months since I last saw heather on October 31st...

Thank you again to everyone who commented to my last post. I had all your wisdom in my head as I drove to Orlando. I prayed to God on the way there. I "rehearsed" my mindset, stay in the present, don't ask questions, stay with what is, only give advice when asked, said the Serenity Prayer... etc. I REALLY needed all the encouragement and advice that was given so I could "memorize" it on the drive. I asked God to be with us during the dinner.

It was great :) As soon as I saw her we hugged like I can't remember us hugging - tight and for a long time - in front of the California Pizza Kitchen.

She looked great! She was wearing makeup, her hair was done, she had gained some weight (to where she no longer looked like a skeleton). Last year she almost always looked a mess, like she was recovering from the flu and days in bed or something... Today she looked and acted "like my old daughter". Last year when we'd meet I could always tell she was high (on ?something?). Today her eyes were fine, she was fine, I really don't think she was on anything.

She still has that cough though and smoked a cigarette after dinner. She said her allergies were bad - it is like a dry cough every 5 minutes or so - it's actually pretty distracting when you're in a restaurant... but... I didn't say anything (except, "please turn your head..." lol)

I don't know what she is or isn't doing but I feel like she must be going in the right direction. We kept the conversation light and I didn't bring up drugs, her ex-boyfriend, her dad, her living situation, her job situation, taxes being due - (all things I wanted to bring up/find out about) - nothing. The only *thing* of interest I found out was that she had applied for a job at a restaurant.

After we ate we went to my car so she could hear a song she wanted to hear, then we went to the Nine West store. She bought some shoes, I didn't offer to pay, she didn't ask. She said how much she loved me (and I said same) and thanked me for going to the store with her.

When we left we hugged again and she told me she loved me and thanked me for driving out there (again, I said same).

I felt God guided me through it and we had a success :) Thank you again for the comments, I can't express how much they meant to me and how much they helped!!!

I love her so much. Now my heart aches she is "gone" again - but I can't even say how thankful I am right now!!!

I'm nervous

2010-03-31T08:52:00.000-07:00

Meeting Heather at a restaurant in Orlando for an early dinner (4:00 fit in her schedule so she could drive back to Tallahassee after). First time I will have seen her since October 31st.
I hope I don't forget all my Al-Anon teachings and I hope this is a positive meeting for both of us.
I actually "did my hair" and put on make-up...???? lol

The O word

2010-03-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

I just received the new People Magazine (March 29, 2010) and read the article about actor Corey Haim's unexpected death at age 28, and there in the "box" on the 3rd page of the article was the O word:

OxyContin

The cause of his death is still undetermined, but the article mentioned that the California attorney general announced that an illegal prescription for OxyContin was filled. The public may never know the actual cause of death, nor is it any of our business, but the public does know that the actor struggled with addiction. My heart goes out to his mother, another parent dealing with this alternate reality.

Two lines in this article stood out to me. One was a quote from actor and friend of Haim's, Corey Feldman, "[Haim was] the greatest manipulator the world has ever known, as good addicts are". The second, "Some experts say that having a doting parent around can hinder beating addiction..."

Alternate reality.

I've read quite a few times and have been thinking quite a lot about "Dad's" recent Partnership article ("Dad" from An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom). The Partnership's Intervene article from March 15th, 2010 titled, "My Son's Addiction: What Is vs. What Ought to Be". If you are dealing with a son or daughter addicted to drugs and haven't yet read the article, I highly suggest you do. Unfortunately, and I really try not to, but often I find myself having pity parties - for myself and for my daughter. I can ask, "Why?" And these parties usually start with me thinking about "What ought to be", or from a similar angle, "What I envisioned for my life and my daughter's life and our relationship". Dad's article was so helpful in ARTICULATING what I feel is the core of what causes me pain as I stumble through my relationship with my daughter. If I could only keep myself in WHAT IS and throw WHAT OUGHT TO BE out the window, how much better things would be mentally for myself and for the relationship between my daughter and me.

Dad - I hope my interpretation of your article didn't slaughter what you intended, but my interpretation of what you wrote has been a great help to me in figuring out the source of my despair that sneaks up on me. Please comment and correct me for anyone else who reads this if I misinterpreted your words.

Thank God for people like "Dad" who have the intelligence and articulation to go out to the school and other places to speak and write articles to help others dealing with addiction - and PREVENTION. I love his recent talks at the school - hopefully nipping it in the bud BEFORE an addiction happens. To prevent even just ONE kid, would help a WHOLE family.

As far as OxyContin goes, I wish Purdue Pharma would put the genie back in the bottle, or at least figure out a way to successfully contain it.

My sympathies go out to Corey Haim's mother in her time of need.

God bless.

Bermuda pictures

2010-03-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

Back from Bermuda, had a great trip :) What a beautiful place! The driving was a bit scary (no, we didn't drive ourselves, but just riding in the taxis)... they drive on the opposite side of the street (like in the UK), and the roads are narrow, hilly and windy with stone walls (or cliffs!) along the side of many streets.

Our hotel was at the top of one of the highest peaks, so we had a gorgeous view. I worked out at the gym in the spa in the mornings overlooking the beautiful clear blue ocean. In the afternoons we went out and about on the island, including seeing the aquarium/museum/zoo and the Crystal Cave. In the evenings we had splendid dinners - my gosh the food was wonderful - and of course I got dessert every night! (I was on vacation after all!)

Here are some pictures:

On vacation

2010-03-09T17:17:00.000-08:00

Well sort of... my husband has a business trip in Bermuda and I am tagging along. We have a (arrgh) 7:05 am flight in the morning (I've chosen this to dwell on!)... so I'll be going to bed EARLY tonight!
I won't have a computer with me, but I will bring my prayer list and continue praying for all the amazing people I have met through this blog! I may log on to my husband's laptop to catch up, but I am purposefully not taking one myself in hopes I can get some reading done (some books recommended by my blog friends actually!). We have dinners every night, but the days will be mine :)
We'll be back next Monday...

God bless.

I am so out of my league...

2010-03-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

No one ever told me I would need a master's degree in psychology to talk to my daughter...

Last night I was in the middle of reading Barbara's post (at Recovery Happens) about the NAMI classes when Heather called...

(Actually I was going over her NAMI link checking my state and my parent's state for classes... of the list of mental illnesses provided - schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder [manic depression], panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, and co-occurring brain disorders and addictive disorders - Heather has ALL of those in her immediate background between individual members of my family and her father's family - including myself and her father.)

We spoke for 2 hours. It went well for the first hour... then I got swallowed into the bottomless pit and couldn't figure out how to get out. I'm not going to name names since her grandparents read this blog... but she started talking about how growing up no one "listened to her". How one member of the family made her walk with blisters on her feet and left her for kidnappers in a van to try to abduct her - she hid to escape them. How another member watched her rollerblade into a truck and get seriously injured and didn't seem to notice. How "we" always brushed things aside when she complained about teachers etc.

She talked in a lot of "psychological" terms and for the most part I had no idea what she was talking about :( I tried so hard to understand what she was saying as she talked about - geez - I don't even know what the "big words" she used meant - but picture a philosopher talking about existentialism is the closest I can come to describing how she was talking... and I have my bachelor's degree and more letters after my name than my name itself from continuing education AFTER college! It was like the frustration you feel when you put together one of those kid's toys with "assembly required" :) LOL I did catch the reference when she was talking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs...

She said how she's not sure about her relationship with certain family members and that IF they LISTEN to her, she will REWARD them little by little by letting them back in her life... or something to that effect, but she did use the words "reward them". Huh??????

So basically, Heather is telling all this stuff that family members did wrong in her life (including me) in terms that I have no idea what she is saying except that we did something wrong... I THINK I gathered that she felt she wasn't hugged enough... and that she felt certain family members didn't "listen" to her (hear what she was saying).

I was so out of my league... and I couldn't figure out how to get off the phone when she was telling me this stuff b/c I felt it would only reinforce her feeling that no one listened to how she felt. I was trapped b/c of my own shortcomings.

I pointed her to NA and said they could really help her work through her past... my gosh, I don't know what else to write other than I felt like I was drowning. I love her so much... if I had known all this stuff was happening, I would have stepped in (kidnappers!!!??? what!!!???). I'm not going to make excuses for the past 20 years, but I will admit for the first 10 years of her life I was growing up and struggling myself, so the family (on both sides) really pitched in with Heather.

I hung up the phone and said out loud, "Well THAT was painful."

Maybe it was stupid and impulsive, but I sent her this email around midnight last night (needless to say, I never finished reading Barbara's blog or any of the other blogs I would usually read...):
*******
Hey :)

I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries, but I just wondered if they had NA Meetings in Tallahassee so I typed it in Google and this one came up - I'm not telling you to go or no go, and I'm not asking you to. This is just in case you felt you needed it.

Our conversation got intense and I want to try to do my part (figuring it out!) along with you. But I think some of the issues are going to be bigger than you and I can figure out together, this is where NA might help you find some answers.

http://www.drugstrategies.org/NA-Meetings/Florida/Tallahassee/FSU-Wesley-Center-3788

I'm only sending this to you b/c I know how you were feeling tonight thinking about the past, and once I saw it I thought knowing there's a meeting tomorrow night might give you some hope.

Here's a BIG BEAR (((((((((HUG)))))))))) from your Mom.

Heather, I love you always! Mom
*******
She didn't respond.
I feel so pitiful. After praying for my "blog families" before I went to bed, I started reciting the Serenity Prayer... spent this morning doing the same...
But now, as I'm sick with a cold (got it a couple days ago), and the day is drawing to an end, and I am exhausted, I am feeling despair.

I have written so much stuff on this blog, I don't know why this one was so hard for me to write, like I wanted to keep it secret, like I wanted to protect Heather from putting her feelings out there and protect our family from confessing our faults... I almost didn't write this post, but somehow I just had to get it out.

Update an hour after writing above:
Rollercoaster... yeah yeah yeah.... Rollercoaster...
She wrote back to my NA email (just an fyi, she sent this 3 hours after the NA meeting would have started):
*******
Thank you mommy! I am sorry for that conversation I wish I would have been able to control my emotions because the past is over and we are both evolved people so I do not need to be so scared of the past re-occuring. I will go to the thing, thanks for looking it up for me :) I am sorry if I stressed you out! Ill talk to you soon so you don't need to reply but I love you so much!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
*******
Rollercoaster... yeah yeah yeah.... Rollercoaster...

Letting it go...

2010-03-02T18:27:00.000-08:00

In my last post I wrote about difficulties I was having obsessing over the gym situation...
Well, last night's meeting was on the 3rd step... Someone said when they get hung up, they know it's time to go back to steps one and two... duh... I'd heard about going back over the steps - but I looked at it as the BIG picture - never did it dawn on me to apply that logic over one particular obsession! And it worked - and I let go of it - and this morning God began to work!
The same person (actually) also mentioned:
Either God is in charge. Or He's not.
Either God can handle it. Or He can't.
Uh, double duh...

Today is Heather's 20th birthday.
First time I won't get to see her on her birthday or celebrate with her. My husband and I did offer to take her out to dinner if she'd meet us in Orlando, but she said she wouldn't be going back out there this week, and we'll be out-of-town most of next week. If she was dying to see us, she'd figure it out. And I don't feel we should have to drive all the way to Tallahassee.
Soooo... it is what it is, and I'm okay with it.

Presents - quandry - we all (us and her grandparents) decided to get her gift cards. We decided that since she has so much money, it wouldn't be "enabling" her to continue to use drugs. But by not giving her straight cash (as we used to in the past), and not giving her gifts (which she could sell on eBay) she would still "feel it"/get the message, and it would still be abiding to our "consequence letter." So... I have the 3 b-day cards (with gift cards in them) here for whenever we do see her.

I went to the AA offices today, someone told me there was a bookstore there with Al-Anon books too. Once I got there and found out there were only AA books, I did the logical thing (ahem.) - and started looking for AA books I could give my daughter to help her.
The two kind gentlemen working there assisted (without making fun of me, or shaking their heads at the poor delusional woman) me by recommending, maybe a couple brochures might be the better way to go. They helped with the best 3, and I helped myself to an inspirational bookmark for her too (I mean, who sells bookmarks on eBay???).

My husband & I made an exception to the not calling Heather rule today. And each called her and wished her a Happy Birthday. I left her a message saying I love you etc, but my husband got to talk to her. When she answered the phone she was crying. She had been talking to her biological dad, and he did, well, what he does... She told my husband how thankful she was for him (we got married when she was 9, but were dating from when she was 7) and how much she loved him. When my husband told me this when he got home from work it made him cry (and he's not a crier!). He said, "She's such a great girl." It broke his heart. Sometimes I can understand why she would turn to drugs...

Heather did call me back (even though she didn't have to). She sounded "ok", she told me she talked her friends into learning a synchronized dance so tonight at the club they could all break out with it. That made me smile :)

My mother has called me twice now about Heather's Facebook picture she discovered last night. She's holding some scarf around/behind her head, her neck and shoulders are bare. She looks like she is, well, probably naked. I've never seen such a provocative FB picture myself. I keep trying to explain to my mom though that she can ruin her day worrying about it, ruin my day worrying about it, or let it go and give it to God. I told her the saying I mentioned above - God is in charge & He CAN handle it.
There's nothing we can do about it, so let's not lose our peace over it. Something else we can let go...

God bless... Texas.

03/04/10 Update: My mom emailed Heather about her concerns with the FB photo. Heather wrote back that a friend had told her it was too much so Heather had already taken it down. It was the first time Heather had "spoken" to her grandma since all this started... Praise God.

Media coverage

2010-02-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

I've been seeing a lot of things in the media recently regarding drug addiction. Articles/video links have been posted on various blogs from the LA Times, ABC News... etc...

In my novels I read (murder/mystery/thriller genre) I've seen more and more references to oxycodone abuse.

There have been many *probably* prescription-drug related deaths of famous people in the past year, 2 in the past month or so, generating even more media attention.

Here in Florida the government *seems* to be working on the prescription drug problem. One article in the South Florida Sun-Sentinel cited 308 overdoses in 2008. If the video on that link is still working, the newscast also cites that in Palm Beach county the sheriff's offices "handles an overdose death every 27 hours".

April 25th at 9pm on CBS will be a movie about Lois's life (Lois Wilson co-founder of Al-Anon) called "When Love isn't Enough".

I find myself getting so excited that substance abuse is FINALLY getting media attention. Then I wonder... has it always been and I'm just now seeing it b/c of my situation? If I wasn't in Al-Anon I'd probably not know about the upcoming Lois movie, would I have watched it? Would it have made me REALIZE that I needed help? Have I been seeing these news articles all along but only SEEING them now?

I guess it's really neither here nor there but just something that has gone through my mind recently. I just have HOPE that parents are seeing these articles/newscasts/references in books and movies and are GETTING it and GETTING out of denial sooner.

'bout me: third set of visitors in a row just left yesterday (happens when you live in Florida), wasted a bunch of time yesterday and today, now once again getting back to things (like laundry!). Had a set-back in my "me" stuff, the gym I joined where I was working with a personal trainer, and working out for the first time in my life, CLOSED with NO NOTICE last Thursday (and of course I had paid in full for everything in advance). Very shady, just up and closed (the day before the 2week payday for the employees). My trainer is now looking for a job - she has a child to support. I am actually more upset for her and the other employees I had gotten to know than for myself, but I am writing here to mention the set back it gave me... mentally, all my Al-Anon tools went out the window, even sat through a meeting Saturday obsessing about THIS, unable not to :( when I should have been using the time to grow. Same with the church service this morning. The "wasted time" the past two days was me obsessing/controlling visiting every health club in the vicinity (5 including the Y) to see where I can go and trying to get my trainer on too (which I know I am not in charge of her life too! ahhhh). I'm hoping I have a better time getting a grip tomorrow and "be there" for the Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. I need it!

'bout Heather: still talking to her, small conversations, she sounds good for the most part. Last Tuesday she went to an Al-Anon meeting (I'm not writing about her father on this blog, but unfortunately she would qualify for Al-Anon AND AA/NA). She said it was emotionally draining and the topic was detachment. She brought 3 friends with her (gotta smile at that!). Last time I talked to her she said she still plans to go to an AA meeting. I'm not analyzing any of this (after all I have a health club and health club employees to obsess over!), but was glad to know she went to an Al-Anon meeting - it can only be good.

God bless.

Putting my tools to use - or trying to

2010-02-17T19:02:00.000-08:00

After the intervention Oct 31, it was almost 3 months before I talked to Heather. During that time I learned "tools" from Al-Anon, the interventionist, books, the internet and friends I've met through this blog. During those three months, the primary tool I used was to "Let go and let God."

Since I've been talking to her (she's been calling a couple times a week), mostly the tools I've used were "minding my own business" and "taking care of me".

It's like I have this tool belt, but I'm not sure what tools are for sure in it, or what they are for if they are, or which one to use, or if it will break when I try to use it. But, I've known without a doubt I'd be called upon to use them. It's so easy to *use* what you learn when nothing is going on. Monday's page in our daily reader discussed, "practice, practice, practice". That makes me feel better because never does it say I will be perfect now.

The She said/I said from today:
Heather called today. As soon as I heard her voice I knew something was wrong. She sounded very depressed. She immediately started complaining (whining) that she can't eat and she can't sleep. (Her request for my advice was implied...)
I said the obvious thing would be if she was still using oxy - or other drugs.
She said, with oxy's you fall asleep. And, with oxy's I wanted to eat but just couldn't get it together to eat. (I'm wondering - Is that right??? and noticing she didn't "answer" my "non-question")
I said well, is something bothering you?
She said, she feels so alone, she thinks she just wants to be loved.
I said, you know I love you. If you go to an AA or NA meeting you'll find other people who will love you too and you can talk to.
She said, I know I have to [go to meetings].
Then she continued, "I haven't taken my anti-depressant medicine from my psychiatrist in the past 4-5 days b/c I ran out and [the psychiatrist] is in Orlando. I think that's messing me up."
I said only you know what's truly going on with you.
I said going to AA/NA meetings is like a free psychiatrist, I'm sure you'll find help there.
She said, I'm so busy with going to the doctor 3xs a week, school... at this point I heard her (guy)friend getting back in the car (when she called she said he was going in to get take-out)...
I said, you know many people work full time and still go to school. If you want to go to a meeting, you have to make yourself a priority.
She said I know (then of course that she had to go).
We exchanged I love yous.

I don't know if I used any of the tools at all, or if I dropped the whole tool belt on the floor and everything spilled out. Despite how the conversation looks written out, it was actually a very calm, peaceful conversation. I think I at least used detachment...

After we hung up, I shook my head and what I recently read on Her Big Sad about if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck... came to mind.

I won't know if she's using or not, not with her living so far away. And if she is, there's nothing I can do about it. I can only keep the boundaries I have made for myself as they pertain to her interactions with me. The interventionist warned me, it will be a long time before she ever decides to go to treatment since she has all that money... but... I can't help but think if she can get to an AA/NA meeting, I think she won't feel so alone. She also "qualifies" for Ala-Teen, but unfortunately, in that college town - there are none (???). (I looked them up of course just to see, there are Al-Anon, but not Ala-Teen. Oddly enough, I didn't look up AA/NA, but there would have to be those, right???)

Believe it or not I'm really not worrying/obsessing etc. I hate hearing her having a hard time, but I know with all my heart, there is nothing I can do - it's up to her.

God's in control and that's all I need to know right now.

11pm update: She just called said, "I just woke up from a nap, wanted to let you know I ate a bunch of food and took a nap. I'm going back to sleep, it was a weird night last night. But I wanted to tell you I love you." (I told her I love her too and we hung up.)
ODD phone call.
But I do love her!

"I'll pray for you."

2010-02-17T12:40:00.001-08:00

People often say this to me and I wonder if they actually do. Sorry, can't help it, but I am like a prayer-gatherer - I try to get prayers for Heather from anyone anywhere as many as I can. When people say they'll pray for me, I say, don't pray for me, can you pray double for Heather?

I try to collect as many prayers for her as I can.

I've been catching up on other's blogs that I missed from Thursday-Monday... and I missed soooo much! I am still catching up b/c a lot happened in those few days. I feel like in my comments the past couple days I've been saying "I'm praying for you" in most of them.

I just wanted to write quick to say - if your blog shows up in my blog list on the right hand side - I AM - EVERY night. Every night I go through that list and pray for everyone I know from the postings, might only know an initial, might be an assumed name, but God knows who they are.

One other person I'm currently asking for prayers for - my Al-Anon sponsor - she suffered a heart attack and when they did the quadruple by-pass surgery Monday one of the four (arteries?) got a crimp in it and they had to open her chest back up. She is still in intensive care and out of it, but anybody who has some room to pray would you pray for her and her husband? Obviously won't mention their names, but again - God knows who they are. Thanks!

Makes me smile

2010-02-09T21:39:00.000-08:00

Lou at Subdural Flow asked us to put up a picture that makes us smile. Well, this is a picture of something that always makes me smile. It is my prized possession. Part of it has to do when Heather gave it to me...

She was 5-6 - she held it in the palm of her hand to give is=t to me and said in her little voice with a lisp (b/c she was missing one of her front teeth), "He squashed in the kiln." She said it so serious!

I keep it on my windowsill above the kitchen sink looking out into the pool/backyard where I see it all the time. The cleaning people often break stuff - I don't care - they come to me all feeling bad like "this broke" I'm like, it's just stuff! BUT DON'T TOUCH THE LITTLE YELLOW DOG IN THE KITCHEN!!! lol I've moved it when the plumber came to work on the kitchen sink (you ever know).

But that little dog means more to me than anything else I own. :)

He always makes me smile :) But it's not so much the dog itself as it is remembering Heather when she gave him to me. He doesn't have a name... hmmm....

Status update

2010-02-05T12:22:00.000-08:00

I talked to Heather on the phone 2 nights ago, I've been busy and haven't had a chance to write the update.

So far whenever I've brought up something regarding AA, treatment etc she has been receptive to what I've said - like, "Okay, I'll keep that in mind" type of responses.

The other night I said to her, "I'm only going to bring this up once, and then I'm not going to harp on it, but the next time you find yourself in severe pain, like you did with your hip last week, I'd just go to the ER, or an orthopedic surgeon. Get CAT scans, MRIs whatever, but be honest with them, and just get it over with to see what's wrong besides the things Chiropractic is helping." (Thanks for the comments on my last post!)

This time she did not seem receptive. She said that she had gone running and that caused the pain, that when she went to the chiropractor he said her vertebrae were out of alignment and when she ran they collapsed (this is as close as I can come to remembering exactly what she said). That he "fixed it" and she was fine. She went on to say, that she has more important things on her list to get done. She also said, she doesn't want to know if she has "temporal lobe damage" (what???).

I've said it ONCE, I'm not bringing it up again, it is hers to handle. BUT, it does tell me something that she's not as concerned about it as I was. Which, makes me wonder, if she KNOWS what's causing the pain and therefore knows she doesn't need to see a doctor or, well, I won't go on... I am not spending time worrying about it - I've said my thing.

Something that DOES concern me: Her ex-boyfriend.

Apparently the reason she left Orlando three months ago was to get away from her ex-boyfriend and stay hidden. She is sub-letting an apartment and having her mail etc go to her old address in Orlando. Heather said barely anyone has been to her apartment b/c she can't let anyone know where it is. She told of how when one friend brought another friend who hadn't been there before, when they pulled into the parking lot he said, "So this is what witness protection looks like."

Heather has a restraining order against him in Orlando, but he has said to her that it doesn't apply in Tallahassee. He has been terrorizing her and her friends. He tells her friends that he thinks he and Heather are going to be together forever.

In high school he was not her boyfriend, they were just friends. His mother told me that when Heather left for college he was despondent and depressed for months he missed her so much. (Of course at the time I was like, "awwww".) He finally saved his own money and moved to Orlando to be with her. They were friends until early 2009 when finally they became boyfriend/girlfriend.

They had a tumultuous relationship with violence and frequent calls to 911. They did the drugs together. (In this last phone call she referred to them as "Blues" (???).)

He currently has to go to court for a concealed weapon charge. I don't know what the weapon was. She said he is going to Tallahassee this weekend and she is mad she has to stay in her apartment.

She ASKED me for my advice. I told her - her SAFETY is #1 importance. I said keep herself safe until eventually he moves on to someone/something else. She thanked me for my advice. (I thank Al-Anon b/c I am finding when I don't give unsolicited advice and only give advice when specifically asked, I GET THANKED!!! I used to give advice freely without being asked and got SHUT DOWN!!! Amazing...)

Anyway, needless to say I am worried for her safety. The time when I said "awwww" in reaction to his actions, has now turned into warning/danger signs.

I don't think there is anything I can do but pray.

She also has some worrisome things going on with her Dad, but I'm not writing about him on this blog. I just want to note it.

On a good note, Heather said she wants to try to come out to see us in the next couple weeks :) I'm not going to bank on it, but my gosh do I miss her!

She sounds good :)

I tell myself, "God is in control."

Oxy pain? Pot pain?

2010-01-31T17:00:00.001-08:00

Things have been going well (enough) my daughter has called a few more times, I am so happy to have her "back in my life" even though it is just over the phone. The conversations have all been kept light... with the exception of one call.

I didn't know how to handle.

Last Thursday Heather called. She was having immense pain in her right hip, "like a muscle knot moving through the hip." (or something close to that wording) She said she'd been in bed the last 2 days in pain b/c of it. She had a chiropractor appointment in 45 minutes, a friend was going to drive her but just called and canceled. So, she was going to "have to drive [herself] with the hip."

I just calmly said, "I don't know what to tell you." Basically leaving no room for further discussion, but my tone was sympathetic. I did not do what I would have done in the past - I did not offer solutions, did not offer to make doctors appointments. But this is a "loophole" in dealing with Heather. IF these pains are real, she needs to get medical attention. IF they're being caused by the effects of drugs (past or present) they should be resolved whenever she decides to get help.

The LEFT hip is the one that was injured in the accident, the RIGHT hip is the one she was complaining about last week. She does have some "real" issues with her back that a chiropractor can help. But she talks of muscle spasms in her shoulders, hearing her bones grind together, that her bones are degenerating.

I don't KNOW if she is still smoking oxy or not (she says she hasn't in months, that she only smokes pot now "every other day"). But I have read that severe muscle and joint pain is a side effect of using OxyContin. I can't help but wonder if this is what is causing a "healthy" 19 year old to be in unbearable pain??? OR, does she have a serious random odd medical condition???

My plan the next time I talk to her - when she brings up whatever random odd pain she is dealing with - to say, "Either this is a side effect of using drugs and you need to discuss it with an addiction counselor, OR, I recommend you go to the ER where they can scan your body and find out what's causing the pain."

I don't have anything else to say on this, it's just a conundrum, I can't help but think of these as "phantom pains", or all coming from her head, or maybe this is what severe hypochondria is like, and then I feel guilty for not believing these are really "real"...

She called back today :)

2010-01-21T14:35:00.001-08:00

Good stuff! We talked for an hour & 20 minutes, just about random stuff.
But she did call me back after yesterday :) Praise God!

Heather called!!!!

2010-01-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

She called tonight!!!

We talked for an hour and 16 minutes. She was totally fine/normal whatever you want to call it. We had a very good talk. She finally said, we've been talking for a long time, do you want to talk more tomorrow? I said, sure, if you want to call me I should be home all day from the afternoon on. IF she doesn't call me, I'm not going to call her. I think this is the best to leave it up to her. As a woman in an Al-Anon meeting said awhile ago, "she no longer 'dials for pain'".

She said she has not been smoking the Roxies, but that she has been smoking pot "every other day" and drinking a little. She said she knows she has to stop smoking pot and cigarettes. She said instead of realizing things she tends to avoid them so she turned to drugs. She said her coping mechanisms are not good. That she needs to learn to control her levels of stress and how to cope with them. (this is pretty much verbatim)

She said she is going to a psychiatrist, and taking classes "on it" and trying to apply what she learns to her life instead of just hearing it. She said that she has a lot of mental things wrong with her that are not just the drugs, that there are other things that bring a person to drugs. (again verbatim) She said "nobody stepped in with her father like they should have." (I'm not writing about her father on this blog, there was no physical abuse.)

She was concerned with our relationship now - I explained [her step-father] & I are her parents, it's not an either or - we will still love her and be here for her as parents if she doesn't go to treatment. But at the same time we do not have to support her when she's using "poor coping skills" such as drugs.

I told her about how I am working on me and that I can no longer be the kind of mother that I was before. I told her that I have to let her spread her wings to fail and to have success. She said that me working on me will take the pressure off her to have to live for me, so she can be weak, be insecure, have different opinions from me.

At one point I told her about AA/NA meetings where she will meet other people with coping skills like hers. She came back to that twice later - first time saying that she is definitely addicted to pot and will definitely look into the meetings - second time saying how she's working on things and hanging out with her friends who don't like Roxies, and that "I know I'm not all the way there yet and I will definitely look into those meetings."

At another point I brought up the treatment center we have found and explained how I could bring her dog to visit, the pastor could visit, that it was more open, and that if she feels she needs treatment to let us know. She thanked me for that, and again, later brought up herself that "she appreciates treatment if she decides to go that route."

She talked about her health issues from the accident and how hard it is living with the pain. How her bones are degenerating and she still can't stand on her left leg alone for longer than 2 seconds without falling. She told about her ex-boyfriend still stalking her, that he said the restraining order was only good for Orlando, not Tallahassee. Also that she has PTSD from the accident. She told me about her apartment, her dog (previously untrained) has only had one accident in the new apartment, she's taking classes at the community college and can transfer back to the University with out having to re-apply.

This is just a record of the phone conversation, just b/c I wrote it here do not think I agree with everything. I wanted to write it without adding my own commentary.

Now my thoughts:
I am so happy she called and I got to tell her that I love her, that "we" love her, she said she loves me too. I am under no illusions that "things are fine". I know that eventually she will come to the point where she decides she has to go for treatment, that "doing it on her own" isn't working. In the meanwhile I praise God she called, and thank Him for being faithful, for the interventionist, and for my trusting Him and not calling her as hard as that was - imagine how different the conversation would have been had I called her before she was ready?

I need to keep going to Al-Anon. I do not see this is an invitation to start calling and emailing her everyday. I need to keep "minding my own business" and let her mind hers.

Praise God!!!

The dandelion

2010-01-18T14:09:00.000-08:00

I wanted the white fluffy flower thingy we used to pull and then blow into the yard as kids... as a reminder of childlike hope.

Then as I posted my new "profile pic" and header I remembered... my Dad used to get mad when we did that... why... oh, yeah... it's dandelion seeds...

My message of hope is a dandelion???

Going to get ready for an Al-Anon meeting...

My depression is BIG and my prayer list is LONG.

Where things stand...

2010-01-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

Fear is a powerful force that constantly invades my mind in relations to what I'm doing (or not doing) with Heather. I pray about what to do daily/constantly. Trying to follow what God wants me to do, the problem is, God doesn't just write me a letter. Since the end of October last year I've had some clear messages from Him. I knew I was to stand back and let Him work, and praise Him.

I hadn't had a message in a couple weeks. I WANTED to call Heather, BUT, I didn't feel like it was the right thing to do, I didn't felt as though that's what God was telling me to do. I felt like God was telling me to Trust Him, but I WANTED to call her. After more careful prayer, I still felt like I shouldn't call. BUT, I thought, I'll call my Mom (weakest link, but also a prayer warrior) and SHE said, she doesn't think God wants me to call her just yet. Okay. So, I asked my husband, he said "no". Okay. So I prayed more to God, "I know I don't deserve it, so I'm not really going to ask, and I want you to feel I am trusting you, but I just wish, if you could, I'd love another message, but I'm not going to ask, you've given me so many, and even though it's been weeks since the last one, I need to trust You." (or something pitiful to that effect).

Still feeling like I wasn't supposed to call, but wanting to anyway. And having Cheri & Wayne's posting going through my mind (click here for Are You Running From God parts 1&2), I want to go 550 miles not 2500 + the 550. I know Heather knows I love her, how could she not??? But FEAR kept sneaking in. After exhausting God, my Mom and my husband, I thought, let me call the intervention specialist, see what he thinks. Feeling like I was doing something sneaky to God I told myself, call once, if he's not available don't leave a message and don't call back. He answered!

He said it would probably be okay if I called, and that if I felt I could handle whatever she might say to me (as I heard at an Al-Anon meeting one woman said, she no longer "makes calls for pain"). We talked a bit, me still not feeling like I should call her, but hoping he would say JUST DO IT, but then another call came in and he had to call me back. While I waited, I prayed that God give him wisdom. He called back and said, "You know what? Why don't I have the addiction counselor at the treatment center call her? She can also tell Heather how her family loves her and that they are planning to pay for the treatment when she's ready." (Since one of the things I've been worried about is that Heather doesn't know that we are going to pay for the treatment.) I felt good with this decision, like I'm still doing what I feel God wants, but at the same time I get to send her a message. (Yes, I've already humbled myself with God for my sneakiness and for trying to go around Him. Yes, I am ashamed. But He is a loving God, and He knows me.)

The intervention specialist calls back 45 minutes later... as it turned out HE decided to call Heather himself! He said something to the effect of, "Hi Heather I'm xx an addiction counselor. Your family loves you very much and has this gift for you..." not sure how much he got out, but he said it was like the floodgates opened that she had someone to tell "her side of the story" to. He said that she told him she wasn't using drugs, that she had PTSD from the accident, that she wanted nothing to do with any of her family, that she was going on with her life... etc. She talked nonstop, agitatedly for 15 minutes. He said he was positive she was still using, and probably during that phone call even. Of course I said, you mean pot or oxycontin? He said oxycontin or the like, not pot. This man was a heroin addict 10+ years and has been working helping addicts the past 10+ years. I would think he would be able to tell.

I can't keep going into denial.

A couple weeks ago I heard from my step-daughter that Heather had an alarm system installed in her car... this is 6 months AFTER she purchased it. Okay, my husband and I each have Mercedes, I have friends with Lexus's, Corvettes, etc - none of us have gone and had an elaborate security system installed! Because we're not hanging out with people who might want to steal it, harm it, and we're not paranoid. It's just a car! But she paid for a fancy alarm system??? This should be a clue.
I looked her up on Facebook the other day (she unfriended me, but you can still see the profile picture). Usually this is the best picture of you... it always has been for her in the past. This time, you can see her clavicle bones sticking out, she doesn't appear to have on any makeup or have brushed her hair. This should be a clue.
She's disowned her family rather than having a simple discussion with any of us about treatment. This should be a clue.

I've got to get out of denial, stop yielding to fear, and trust God.

God gave my mother a message yesterday for both of us. OVER A YEAR ago she had loaned some books and tapes to a man. He never returned them. And she couldn't let them go. She'd every so often think about them, want them, get irritated he didn't return them etc. She said finally, about a week ago, she let them go. She said, "God, they're yours I'm going to give them to you and quit worrying!" Yesterday afternoon her doorbell rang. There was the man with the books!!!

I'm glad I didn't call her. It would have been ugly. So I went a little out of control for a couple days. But today I am in peace and trying again to trust God.

Trying to keep my sanity.

note on money: Heather has a lot of it, including a paid-off house in Orlando valued on Zillow.com for $187,500 that she chose to leave behind and go rent an apartment on the other side of the state... :(

Uncertainty

2010-01-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

It's been since mid-November since I've had any contact with Heather, and last week when she talked to her grandparents. I just go back and forth with, "What do I do?" "What should I do?" "Does she know I love her?" "What am I supposed to do?"

In previous comments it's been said things to the effect that I need to make my own decisions (paraphrasing). That's the problem, I think I've gone through life doing what I THINK I SHOULD be doing. And for someone who for 10 years had to make decisions all day long at her job, in my personal life I can't seem to make decisions. I survey everyone I can think of, then come up with the best possible answer from those I have surveyed... I think. lol

Everyday I want to call or email Heather. I figure I'll call and say, "Don't change your phone number b/c I called. I won't keep bugging you. I just want you to know I love you."

Both Grandmas want to call her up and give her "educational material"... like, "The pain in your back would go away of you stopped using the drugs." "THC stays in your system for 30 days." I don't know what else, but each of them have expressed concern that, "If she only KNEW what the drugs did."

I think I can call her and have a reasonable/rational discussion about seeking help.

The problem is, no matter how I think about it, it doesn't end well. Nothing is better, nothing is accomplished. My thought process ends with, "And then what???
If she was "okay" and not using drugs, wouldn't she call me? Wouldn't we not be in this place?
Then I wonder, what harm would it do if I called her? I know it may cause ME pain to call her, but IF it won't cause HER any pain, or cause her to use more, what harm would there be?

My ultimate goal is to have her stop using drugs - all drugs. I know how much easier life is without using them. And this is where it gets tricky as I take it on as MINE, and really it's about HER. Arrgh...

So I wonder: am I "not doing anything"/"trusting God" because I made the decision that that is the best thing to do? Or am I not doing anything b/c I can't make a decision? Or is there no decision to make?

All I want is to do THE BEST thing for Heather.

Since I can't figure out anything that would have a better outcome, for now (I know, I know), but for now I'll keep on trusting God, that God is doing a work in her... I'll keep trusting God as long as I can and praying daily. Surely God can help her better than I can!

But maybe I can talk to her and tell her I love her WHILE God is helping her???

Oh, I forgot, she's the one who's not talking to me...

ARRGH!!!

Patience is a virtue I've never had...

What a mess.

Prayers

2010-01-09T13:48:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of praying for for friend's and their children I've met from this blog. As I was just praying (and crying a bit) for Ant (Barbara's other son at Recovery Happens) I thought of the prayers I say daily for Heather. I decided to post them here. If you haven't read Barbara's blog today, please say a prayer for Ant, 23 years old in California.
1/13/10 Update: Ant is breathing on his own! Visit Barbara's blog.
*******

My Mom emailed me this prayer in July, and I have been praying it EVERY morning for Heather since then. I do not know where she got it from to give credit. I have shared it with others so they could say it for their kids. It's very powerful.

In the name of Jesus Christ, I bind Heather's body, soul and spirit to the will and purposes of God for her life.
I bind Heather's mind, will and emotions to the will of God. I bind her to the truth and to the blood of Jesus. I bind her mind to the mind of Christ, that the very thoughts, feelings and purposes of His heart would be within her thoughts.
I bind Heather's feet to the paths of righteousness that her steps would be steady and sure. I bind her to the work of the cross with all of its mercy, grace, love, forgiveness and dying to self.
I loose every old, wrong, ungodly pattern of thinking, attitude, idea, desire, belief, motivation, habit, and behavior from her. I tear down, crush, smash and destroy every stronghold associated with these things.
I loose any stronghold in her life that has been justifying and protecting hard feelings against anyone. I loose the stronghold of unforgiveness, fear, and distrust from her.
In the name of Jesus, I loose the power and effects of any harsh or hard words (word curses) spoken to, about or by Heather. I loose all effects and bondages from her that may have been caused by mistakes I have made, Father, in the name of Jesus, I crush, smash and destroy generational bondages of any kind from mistakes made at any point between generations. I destroy them right here, right now. They will not bind and curse any more members of this family.
I bind the strong man, Satan, that I may spoil his house, taking back every material and spiritual possession he has wrongfully taken from Heather. I loose the enemy's influence over every part of her body, soul and spirit. I loose, crush, smash and destroy every work of darkness and evil device he may try to bring into her sphere of influence during this day.
I bind and loose these things in Jesus' name. He has given me the keys and the authority to do so.
Thank you Lord for the truth...it is the only thing that sets us free!!

PRINT THIS OUT AND FAITHFULLY PRAY IT EVERY DAY
love Mom

*******
I adapted (took? it's been so long I can't remember how close this is to the actual wording in the book) this from the book The Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson. I pray it every day:

I pray that all demons Heather is fighting may be cut off from all communication and help from other demons and satan.

I pray that the demons become confused and weakened in their hold on Heather.

I pray that Heather be strengthened in her faith to understand her position in Christ and to trust and obey God’s Word.

I pray that Heather is able to distinguish between her thoughts and feelings and those of satan.

That Heather might recognize the demonic presence and not be confused, but willingly seek godly counsel and help.

I pray that God protects and guides His child, Heather, and sets angelic forces at work to break up every scheme of the enemy.

I pray all these things in the name of Jesus Christ.

*******
And the last one, from my mom again:

I bind the demon of [addiction] and command the demon of [addiction] to come out of Heather in the name of Jesus Christ.

*******
All my other prayers are random :) and not quite so eloquent I'm sure! But those three I have printed out and say them at the kitchen table every morning specifically for my baby Heather. I know that God hears all my prayers, the ones from my heart, the ramblings, the un-eloquent ones and the printed. I am thankful He is listening.

She called her grandparents again...

2010-01-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

Just logging the call...
She called her grandparent's on her dad's side again - this time Grandma answered the phone and spoke to her.

Heather complained about all the pain she was in with her back and now her shoulders too and how expensive the Chiropractor was (made us wonder how quickly she's going through her money???) since she had to go so often.

Grandma was sympathetic and talked to her for a bit, but then after a while she asked Heather if she had thought any more about rehab. Heather said she can't go away somewhere where she wouldn't have freedom, and that she is busy living her life. She also said that she HAD a problem but now she's got it under control herself.

She said she was very happy. Her grandma said, "You don't sound happy..."

Grandma said, "Would you at least call and talk to the girl at the treatment center? It's good to get the information." At some point her uncle picked up on the other line to give her the phone number...

And at some point through this Heather went from "pitiful sounding" to vengeful and yelled: "You don't have a granddaughter anymore!!!" and hung up on them.

After hearing about this I was thinking about the "Watch the behaviors..."

As always I miss her and love her and hope she's okay, but I am so glad I happened to be having a strong "trusting God" day today :)

Email from my Mom

2010-01-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

I came across this today. Thought of you...

If you have a HAPPY MOMENT... PRAISE GOD
If you have a DIFFICULT MOMENT... SEEK GOD
If you have a QUIET MOMENT... WORSHIP GOD
If you have a PAINFUL MOMENT... TRUST GOD
AND FOR EVERY MOMENT... THANK GOD

And remember this... WHEN YOU ARE DOWN TO NOTHING... GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING!
Love... Mom

A more beautiful you

2010-01-01T18:23:00.000-08:00

At the end of my freshman year of college, when I was 18 (and not married) I became pregnant. I was doing a lot of drugs, about failing out of school, more interested in Heather's dad and seeing The Grateful Dead, than paying attention to my future, consequences and my parents.

Heather's dad and I were on our way to a Dead show in Alpine and the car broke down. After being stranded on the side of the road half the night, someone stopped to help us and we turned around and went home. The next morning I did a pregnancy test. I struggled with being pregnant for a good month, trying to figure out what to do. In the town where I grew up, unmarried girls didn't get pregnant, with my parents, unmarried girls didn't get pregnant. I tried to figure out a way on my own without ANYBODY finding out.

It was hell.

In a fight with my mom I ended up screaming a her, "I'M PREGNANT!!!"

My dad might have sat in the basement the rest of that night staring at the wall. But you know what? They still loved me. They were still there for me. THEY STILL LOVED ME.

(By the way, that baby was Heather, and I've never had a single regret for having her - she is the best thing that ever happened to me! My sunshine through life.)

I wish Heather understood that no matter what she does, I still love her and I am still here for her.

I think children think their parents expect them to be A+ students, don't take drugs, don't have sex, go to the best college, get the best job, make the most money. And maybe children think that because often parents, myself included, try to lead our children to THE BEST. Because we know how much easier life is if you can get through it without making any BIG mistakes, or WRONG choices. But we all do. Every one of us. And somehow what gets lost in translation is that we love them no matter what for WHO THEY ARE.

Them being who they are is greater than any A+ on an exam, greater than them not having money to buy us a present because they're unemployed, greater than any wrong choice or mistake they make.

Who they are is who we love. We might complain about an outfit they're wearing or a hairstyle, but that's where we are wrong. Because the truth of the matter is, if Heather wears jeans with holes in them to church... I still love her.

She's going through whatever she is going through right now because this is her story, her life. As hard as it is for me to watch her go through this, I don't love her any less. She will always be my daughter. And I will always be proud of her.

I just wish she didn't have to face this all alone. I'm here.

The video I posted, Jonny Diaz, "A More Beautiful You" is a video I tried to play for Heather before I knew WHAT was going on. I knew she was struggling (I just didn't know about the drugs). She didn't watch it in the email I sent, then at dinner one night she tried to play it on my husband's iPhone but the restaurant was too noisy. After the intervention I was emailing my (ex)mother-in-law the video saying I wanted Heather to see it - but I accidentally emailed it to Heather! (Same last name) From her response I think she watched it. I hope so. Maybe someday she'll be at a place where she can understand it.

She called her grandparents last night...

2009-12-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

FIRST: I want to wish all the families of the blogs I read, parents, sons, and daughters, hope for the new year. I pray we all have success however we define it, whatever our needs, in 2010.
*******

Heather called her grandparents (my ex-husband's parents - her dad's parents) last night. Not sure what to make of it, since "grandpa" said when the call was over he still wasn't sure why she had called - but I am soooo glad SOMEONE in the family heard from her. Her grandpa answered the phone so that is who she talked to. He didn't ask any questions, just let her lead the conversation. So we don't know "where" she is but she told him she was ok.

She said she hadn't done Oxycontin in a couple months. I soooo hope that is true :)

She said she is working to get her life back together on her own. He asked if she had decided to get help, and that "this" was bigger than him or her, and that she needed outside help. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do about that yet.

He said she was humble in their conversation, and he thinks she felt ashamed by what she had done (I don't think she said that, but that was what he surmised from her demeanor). She said she wasn't ready to talk to the rest of the family yet. He said he tried to get as much as he could of what she said but his hearing isn't the best and she talks fast (I can attest to how hard it is to understand her on the phone, she has a Blackberry and doesn't exactly speak directly into it so it's hard to understand her.)

Someone came over on her end so she said she had to go, but she did tell him she loved him and grandma.

I think this is positive. I miss her soooo much!!!

Hodge-podge of thoughts today

2009-12-29T18:50:00.000-08:00

I am just putting this link here for my own good - something I found so "on the spot" awhile ago, and I am tired of having to find it again. Sometimes it is nice to know your experiences aren't unique. In doing so you can look to others who truly do understand what you're going through for inspiration and hope.
This is one of those posts from Madison at Fight for Your Life. It is her post No King's Horses from December 12, 2009. I didn't even comment to her, maybe I was busy when I read it, but it has stuck with me and I have gone back and read it a couple more times. For lack of better summary - it's like 9 stages of experience.
I won't say anymore, b/c it's better of you read it yourself if you haven't, but I needed to make a record for myself.
(Thanks Madison!)

Oddly enough (ha!) I feel like I have been handling things really well lately. That being said, I'm still in my pajamas and haven't brushed my teeth yet today (I know, yuck, TMI). BUT, I just KNOW I am doing a much better job of turning things over to God. The sermon at church on Sunday talked about trials and temptations (Focusing on James Chapter 1). Basically, we go through trials and they help mold us. Temptations we often think of being tempted by chocolate cake, stealing, adultery - the obvious things. But, our pastor pointed out - when we go through trials - the temptation is there for depression. We should praise God through our trials, knowing that He has things under control. I am so bad with explaining things, I should have brought a tape recorder to get his words/explanation down. But it made so much sense to me. God is in control of Heather, she is His daughter. I need to be wary of the temptation of depression. Our pastor said something like, that depression will conceive... It is so easy for me to fall into depression. Even today as I woke up - experiencing depression before I even opened my eyes, (evidenced by the lack of hygiene today!), I've tried to salvage it and fight it and not let it take me... I do feel like I have succeeded today.

That being said (here's where my struggle is evident!)... lately I have really been struggling with this... if Heather has feelings of rejection from her life... real, big, long-term, serious, factual rejection issues, our not reaching out to her now... is that only going to perpetuate the feelings of rejection, make them even worse???

And THAT being said... every time I think about contacting her, reaching out to her, I follow the thought through to the conclusion, and I know I can't. It won't do any good, it won't help her. It will end in her putting me right back in the place she has kept me in this past year: bowing down to the smallest morsel of attention she gives me, allowing her to treat me any way she wants, all the while her continuing to do the drugs - PLUS - she will add in the additional making me/us feel guilty for trying the intervention, resulting in more bad treatment from her and more me/us kissing her butt. BUT, now what I know, I can not go back to accepting that kind of behavior and me doing the resulting behaviors - just like it ended up 2 weeks ago when my Mom sent her an email saying she loved her and Heather wrote back something to the effect that if my mom emails her again she'd change the email address and that we have ugly hearts. She's just not at a place where she can "see".

I have to remember that this is a 2way street - and in actuality -it is not me/us who have stopped talking to her - it is her who stopped talking to us, "ditched us". The reason we're not talking to her right now is b/c the communication we had with her, she didn't like that WE changed our behavior and didn't crawl to her on our knees to do whatever she asked of us or believe everything she said, so she got rid of us - probably as a way to punish us. B/c there is nothing any of us want more in this world than her in our life. She has the ULTIMATE bargaining chip.

I pray some day I will have my daughter back, and that she will know how much I love her. I have read some very inspiring blogs where just that happens. I am so inspired by blog friend's and real life friend's kids who are in treatment or working on sobriety at home and on good terms with their parents. I heard something that I want soooooo bad for Heather when LisaC wrote today that her son B asked for a Bible!!! http://lisac-lovingandparentinganaddict.blogspot.com/2009/12/reaching-out-to-god.html
It gave me so much hope!!!

And this long post is where my head is at today.

What I got for Christmas

2009-12-26T13:40:00.000-08:00

I've been going to Al-Anon meetings for over a month now (maybe 2 months???). I want to start "working the steps" the first of the year and knew I would need to find a sponsor. So each meeting I've been thinking about this and thinking who would be the best sponsor. Well there was one woman who was perfect.

She knows about living with alcoholism in a loved one as both a spouse and a mother.

In meetings she doesn't say a lot, but when she does speak it is always something so wise and enlightening. She is also a testament to how working the steps can change your life, as she has truly changed her behaviors for the better. She is very nice and always has a welcoming hug for anyone needing one. She seems to have deep understanding of who she is as a person and what she needs to do. She is very inspiring and full of wisdom.

Also, she doesn't seem to be a "push-over". Even though a close friend recently told me I'm the least manipulative person she knows, to the point of NONE. I believe I can be very manipulative! (To that my friend said, "so you think!") But anyway, I wanted someone I couldn't manipulate to my way of thinking. And I believe this woman would see through any of my magnificent manipulating skills :)

I didn't know if she was sponsoring anybody else or if she even had time or wanted to be a sponsor. But I got my mind made up that she is who I really wanted to be my sponsor (and I didn't have a second choice).

So I went to a meeting yesterday (on Christmas). I planned to ask her after the meeting; I was so nervous she'd say no. I tried not to think about it during the meeting b/c I didn't want to miss anything said during the meeting.

After the meeting (stuttering around a bit) I asked her... and she said YES :)

Anyway, I am very excited to have such a good example of success to guide me through the steps. Although I am very nervous (and kinda scared even) to actually start doing them, but I have to get over that as the first of the year is now less than a week away!

You won't believe...

2009-12-22T17:11:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting. There were 2 new people who looked to be about 20ish, a guy and a girl. Obviously I didn't know what circumstances had brought them there. I had never spoken out loud at this particular meeting before, but I did say something last night and in it I mentioned about my 19 year old daughter smoking oxycontin.

When I left the meeting, the guy and girl were outside specifically waiting for me (I'll call them Colby and Amy). Basically, after years of addiction, they had just gotten off oxycontin 2 weeks ago themselves. They were attending any and all support meetings they could find, that's why they were at Al-Anon. They waited for me to offer their support. We ended up talking outside for 40 minutes. It was like I was talking to Heather and her boyfriend (Amy even looked like Heather), but getting to ask everything I wanted to know, and getting honest replies. They said some interesting things that have comforted me today in knowing that we are doing the right thing.

The "biggies" were:
• I asked them each (probably 6 times total), "Does she know I/we love her?" and they both responded each time YES she knows.
• I said I wanted to go find her and grab on to her and tell her how much I love her. They both said don't do that. I said my mom wants to send her cookies. They both said, no, don't do that. Then Colby said, you want to know what you have to do, YOU NEED TO IGNORE HER.

Let me pause here for this to sink in... YOU NEED TO IGNORE HER. That's verbatim what he said.

They both showed me the backs of their hands where you could see all the pin-pricks from shooting the oxycontin into their hands. They were clean b/c she got in trouble with the law somehow and if she got caught again she would go to prison. Colby stole from his mom and her parents and together they decided no more. BUT, no matter how much I told them to be proud, they both made it very clear to me: It's been 2 weeks. They said all they could be proud of was that they took the first step, and they were going to do everything they could to keep on. But you could see in their eyes, they knew it was going to be a hard road. Colby said he had to get rid of all his friends, and that he'll have to find new ones. Amy had lost her car and her job, they'd both lost their money.

Both of them were very worried about how much money Heather had, but they both said it won't last that long.

Of course they both knew about, even living in the state of Florida, to go down to Ft. Lauderdale for easy access to oxycontin.

Colby waved his hands around his whole head and said, "This is all oxycontin." Then he pinched a little piece behind his ear and he said, "This is her past life before oxycontin. You are still in there." He continued, "All her mind can see is where is she getting the next pill." I mentioned pot and he held his hand about chest high and said, "This is like weed." Then he held his hand as high as it would go and looked to the sky, "This is how big oxycontin is, it's bigger than anything." The way he talked it was as if aliens had taken over my daughter. That oxycontin was the biggest monster. Or Godzilla...

He said do not send her a Christmas card, do not send her a birthday card, you can not do any Enabling. (I had 2 thoughts to this, first, how is sending a card enabling, and second, I was so glad the intervention specialist already let us send a Christmas card.)

They said if I/we go toward her, she will continue what she's doing and it won't cause her to "come back to us." They said, "She's just not thinking of you right now, once she took the oxycontin, it took over." The part about her not thinking of me right now reminded me of ChaiLatte's "My Cat" post on her blog Hurting Parents - Addicted Son.

They said, "Whatever she says to you SHE LIES. She's lying. The DRUG lies."

Amy said that if she says she's off drugs and wants to come back to the family we have to tell her she has ONE chance, this is IT and be firm. To which Colby explained, otherwise the drug will think there will be more chances so she'll go back to it after awhile. Colby said that if she says she's off it and is not going to meetings (I guess going to rehab/treatment would count but he's going to meetings) and if she has the same friends - don't believe her. She is lying. He said in some cases there can be "a spiritual awakening" and that that could work and be okay too.

Both of them have buried friends b/c of this drug. I think Colby said he was 22 years old. I am praying for both of them that they continue on this path in the right direction.

I know that this is just 2 twenty-something's views/opinions. Two people who only recently stopped using. BUT, that's exactly why this was so AWESOME for me. I feel like they would KNOW. They're not 40 year-olds who haven't done drugs in 20 years, they are NOW. I feel like I got to ask Heather, and SHE KNOWS I LOVE HER. And I feel like WE ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Geez, their advice was even stricter than the intervention specialist!!!!

God must have sent them to that meeting, two angels for me. And today I have had PEACE all day. This is the best day I have had since October 23rd. And I'm going to run with it.

(please, please, please let it still be there tomorrow!!!! lol)

12/23/09 - I woke up this morning (I've been up 10 minutes - so far so good!) and remembered something important I forgot to write - Colby said, "The only thing you can do for Heather is pray."

Unhealthy existing

2009-12-21T13:44:00.000-08:00

I first wrote "Unhealthy living" as the title, then I realized, I'm not living, I'm existing. I looked back and looks like I didn't cry for about 10 days. After the surgery the crying picked up again - bad. I'm sure the "holiday season" is exasperating the depression. Two things keep going through my mine. One is a sign in front of a church that read: Grieving through the holidays support group. The second is a song I only know one line of, "I'll have a blue, blue Christmas without you." The tune plays through my head at unsuspecting moments.

Christmas is not Christmas without my daughter. So in order to get by I have erased all signs of Christmas. No decorations, no shopping, no radio, no TV commercials (only watch through TiVo or DVDs), got all gifts out of the house but 2 hiding in the corner of the dining room that will go tomorrow, any cards get read then put in a box, etc... I even skipped church yesterday for fear there would be Christmas songs :( and obviously I don't plan to go on Christmas...

I refuse to go to the grocery store or out to eat - anywhere that may have Christmas music or decorations. I have been living off food gifts that have been sent to us: Harry & David, Fannie May, Wolfman's, Mrs. Smiths, Hickory Farm, etc. I'm sure my husband will go to the grocery store tomorrow since he gets back from out of town late tonight and isn't having quite the breakdown I am. I am thankful he is so caring and understanding.

It takes every bit of my being to keep focused on something because if my concentration is broken I start to cry. So I am immersing myself in television. Since it's the end of the TV season, and networks are showing "holiday shows", I've gone through and recorded every random show I could think of to watch. Yesterday I counted the hours I watched TV - 8 hours of quality television! Mobile Home Disasters, Steven Segal Lawman, Bones (rented season 3's DVDs), Hoarders, Wife Swap, Puppies 101, Survivor Finale...

This morning I had a chiropractor's appointment at 11:15. I woke up at 9:15, called and rescheduled it for next week (thinking I'll be doing better then), and went back to bed until 11:30.

I know this is unhealthy b/c in the intervention book we went through (along with the obvious DRUGS), it went through unhealthy ways of coping specifically listing watching too much TV. But I don't know an alternative that I could do without crying.

I've been praying to God to send Heather messages to call her mother, I've even asked God to give her dreams about me so when she wakes up she will miss me and want to see me. I hope we are doing the right thing to get Heather off drugs because this is hell. I obsessively check my email and my cell phone hoping she has contacted me.

As I question are we doing the right thing? Should I throw myself at her feet, telling her I love her, and grab hold to her legs instead? IS THIS THE RIGHT THING??? My dad said something I thought was very smart and gave me a lot of confidence as it made sense. He said: If you're in the woods and you see a bear you can decide to hide and hope he doesn't see you. Or you can stand and stare him down. But once you make the decision to stare him down you can't then decide to turn and run.

I've read some other blogs with posts basically, the difference a year makes. And they give me hope. Maybe next Christmas Heather will be here in the arms of the family that loves her so much. I am so thrilled for my blog and real-life friends that have their children with them this holiday.

This Friday, on that day, I hope to think about it as Jesus' birthday and only Jesus' birthday.

And for all my blog friends and real-life friends, that I pray for daily, depending how you're doing, I wish you either a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, or, if you're at all like me, I wish you PEACE.

pictures of Heather & Oxycontin Express

2009-12-16T19:48:00.000-08:00

"Dad" wrote a comment on my last post: "My assessment from your writing is as long as Heather has resources, money, people, and places to go there is no reason for Heather to change. She is making it clear she does not need you guys or miss your contact. Is this working the way you planned?"
Dad's assessment is exactly that of the interventionist, and day by day, sinking in as my reality.

As to his question... the answer is simple... no.

I think the intervention/interventionist is exactly on track with everything. Because he/they KNOW/KNEW. I on the other hand, found out she was doing this October 23rd - knowing NOTHING about addiction. I know so much more now.
So the answer to Dad's question is no. But after a crash course the past (less than) two months, I understand WHY.

I am still crying from only the first 12 minutes of a video posted by Barbara at Recovery Happens called Oxycontin Express (YouTube link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7DHMqHFSB8.

I don't know if I've mentioned this specifically on this blog. But Heather went to high school in Broward County - the county featured in this video. The pictures of the guy's young wife who died remind me of Heather, so innocent and sweet. I didn't know before watching this video that Florida didn't have a prescription drug monitoring program, or that doctor's could both prescribe & dispense here... why should I have known? And even if I did, I wouldn't have COMPREHENDED what that meant before now. Of all the places we could have lived...?????

I don't know if I will keep these up, but for now, here are some pictures of Heather - BEFORE (the tall blonde):
(Mom - my real Mom - don't cry)

***REMOVED PHOTOS***

Update 12/17/09 - found out from my husband when he read this that the prescription drug monitoring law for Florida goes into effect the first of the year - it was passed :)
Update 12/18/09 - okay, it goes into effect the END of 2010...

I don't even know what to title this post

2009-12-11T18:21:00.000-08:00

I had surgery Wednesday morning and it turned out to be a much bigger deal than I thought it would be (story of my life!). They removed endometriosis and adhesions. In addition to the pain of healing from that, I got some weird complications that may be TMI so I'll leave them out. Point is, this is my first time on the computer since Tuesday night - I've been in bed. Tonight my pain/exhaustion has cleared enough... I got just enough energy... that this is REALLY bothering me and I just have to get it out...

I had surgery Wednesday morning, found this out Wednesday night. Maybe the good Lord timed it so I got 2 "free days" of not being able to obsess since I was sleeping so much from the surgery.

Wednesday night we found out from our 20 year-old (step) daughter who lives with Heather that Heather had packed up all her stuff and is moving across the state.
She is leaving the house she owns out-right???

Apparently, Heather mentioned to her step-sister the week before last that she was going to move across the state and attend the local community college (she's currently at a state university in a 4 year bachelor's program in pre-law which she worked hard to get into). She apparently had said she needed to move b/c she was worried b/c her ex-boyfriend knows where she lives even though she told all the police officers about him. (???) Her step-sister didn't think too much about it at the time.

Well, our 20 year-old came home from school Wednesday and Heather and her 60 pound Boxer were gone and all her stuff was packed in boxes. Our 20 year-old and the other tenant (one of Heather's male friends) still have no idea what's going on.

Where she currently lives is 1.20 hours away from us, where she's moving is 5-6 hours away. As if that matters b/c we have no idea where she went. And then not that that would matter b/c we haven't been talking to her anyway, the last communication was Nov 19 when she asked for her birth certificate etc.

The semester of school she is in right now (only 2 classes though) didn't end until today with next week being exam week.
I guess she dropped those last 2 classes???

I was so excited we (us and the grandparents) got the go ahead from the interventionist to send Heather Christmas cards - I got ours all prepared - so excited I could tell her I love her again. I guess she will get it eventually? I mean she owns the house we sent it to...

I have so many questions/concerns/fears on so many levels and in so many aspects of this situation.

Starting with - We won't have any clue where she is now...

I want to send her an email and beg for her to go to treatment, or maybe I can reason with her and explain what she is doing and how it is affecting her life permanently. How I love her so much and can't she just see how me, her step-dad and grandparents love her??? How drugs will rob her of everything, how even though she thinks she is thinking clearly she isn't. Surely there is something I can say to bring my baby back. As I write this I know it is fantasy.
My head is just so confused as a parent.

While I was writing this post, and now as I look back on what I wrote, one word comes to mind. TRAPPED.

TRAPPED. I am TRAPPED.
and going back to bed where I belong...

Good news/bad news

2009-12-06T14:45:00.001-08:00

Today we went to our "home church" (it's a healing & deliverance ministry about 45 minutes away - instead of our "regular church" five minutes away). It is held in a home. There were about 12 people there today and I met a woman who was there with her husband.

Good news:
She and her husband had been crack addicts for 9 years. The last 5 years of that were quitting and going back, quitting and going back - but after 5 years they did it - they got off crack. Both of them! And now they were off crack and five months off pot. Praise God!!!

Bad news:
I told her my daughter was smoking Oxycontin. The woman was smoking crack for NINE years and gave me a big lesson on how BAD smoking oxy is - like smoking crack was having a bite of chocolate cake, but smoking oxy was eating the whole cake and the plate too...
She asked me how old my daughter was. When I told her 19, her eyes welled up with tears and she looked away.
I guess this is bad news because someone who KNOWS knew how much trouble my daughter is in.

But I have to have faith, that God will work in Heather, and maybe someday she can meet this woman and be encouraged by her success.

Random thought: there are some powerful teachings on our "home church" (Christian Covenant Fellowship) website, that may be found helpful - here is the link: http://www.radio4jesus.com/

How I spent most the day on YouTube

2009-12-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

I've been searching all over for information the past month and it just dawned on me last night in bed: YouTube!

Sure enough, I spent ALL morning on it typing in the search box things like, roxicet addiction, smoking, oxycontin, percocet addiction, oxycodone etc.

I have been confused about what exactly "smoking Roxie's" means/is. Now I know:
It is oxycodone
Brand names: Roxicet/Roxicodone, OxyFAST, Oxycontin, Endo (Percocet is the tradename of Endo and also has acetaminophen in it), and M-oxy
Street names: Roxie's, Blue's, 30's and Hillbilly Heroin

Not sure what good all this information is going to do for me...??? But I sat obsessed all morning at the computer watching video after video. SO MANY young adults addicted to this have videos where they talk to the camera about their addiction and attempts (some successful, some not) to get off it. I even watched a video where they smoked it, so now I know how that is done. Of course, I got myself all nice and depressed so when I stumbled upon a video for "The Vicodin Song (House/Wilson)" I BURST out crying before the first verse even finished :( Thankfully I pulled myself together quickly afterward, so I'm counting my not-crying streak to still be in effect! Of course then this evening after dinner, instead of doing anything productive, I got back on YouTube.

I have to admit, after all this, denial crept back in. I am now convinced my daughter is NOT doing this any longer, that she was telling the truth 3 weeks ago when she emailed my mom that she got herself off them. That she was THE ONE who managed to stay off it the first time she tried. That she's really not addicted...
Okay - now who's lying to me??? I know, I know. But I had to write the totally absurd denial thoughts that were going through my brain. It's so easy to see why we as parent's have such a hard time finding out our kids take drugs when our brains are hardwired to believe they're not...

I made a deal with myself - no more YouTube looking up drug stuff for a long while!!!

If this video link for "The Vicodin Song (House/Wilson)" worked (I'm not sure if I did it right), warning - it might make you cry like it did me...

I guess self-preservation kicks in

2009-12-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

Today is day 3 of not crying at all :) !!!
I cried every day from October 23rd until November 29th. I started getting this wheezing when I breathed in deep, my allergist even commented on it at my appointment last week. I was like, "Oh, yeah, I've been crying a lot." Well it got to the point where I am like (talking to myself) "I can NOT cry anymore!" I think your body must hit a point where it knows what it needs. So it's been THREE days!

Don't get me wrong, things are still (obviously) not right, I'm still (obviously) not OK - BUT - Oddly enough, I have found some peace. I think the Al-Anon meetings, trusting God, prayer, reading the Bible, talking to my Mom, my ex-mother-in-law (also "Mom"), my husband, good friends, reading posts online, reading books, and any other support I can find - has REALLY helped.

Also, things have piled up from a month of pity parties. It got to the point where I had to get things done and get things organized (also b/c I am scheduled for minor surgery next Wednesday). I had to get busy on my "duties" and they kept me occupied - like cleaning the mystery mess out of the refrigerator and having the plumber come replace the dripping kitchen faucet etc.

Monday night I got home late (like 9 pm) from an Al-Anon meeting and was just sitting down to eat dinner when my mom (who lives in another state) called... she was having a hard night. I was like, "Mom, I really want to support you and talk to you and help, BUT, I am just now sitting down to eat. I'll tell you what, look up 2 Chronicles Chapter 20."

Can you believe (if you've read my earlier posts) she said, "Oh, they preached on that at my church on Sunday."

I'm said, "Did you hear what you just said? (she knows about my recent experience with that book/chapter) You're telling me you didn't NOTICE that on Sunday??? God is REALLY sending us a message!"

I can't speak for tomorrow (when the ramifications of Christmas start setting in), but I'm doing really well trusting God for today and taking things one HOUR at a time.

Random note: A couple days ago I was scouring the internet for things about - well - typing into Google "after intervention refused rehab" - clicking on and reading article after article - and all of a sudden I'm like, (talking to myself again) "Hey, I know that guy!!!!" and there's a picture next to an article of "Dad" from An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom. I knew he had written the article as he told us on Dad & Mom's blog, but to just come across it during a search... Anyway, it was exciting :)
Here's the link: http://intervene.drugfree.org/2009/11/7-truths-about-my-addict-that-took-5-years-to-learn/

Keeping hope

2009-11-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

Lou from Subdural Flow left a comment on my last post that seemed fitting with what someone said today at a meeting.

What I was told by a woman today, who was told by someone else years ago - was that you do not give up on hope. You do not lose hope, but you give up on your expectations. You give up your expectations. But you keep hope.

Oddly enough, another thing someone said today reminds me of my favorite helpful post - which also happens to be by Lou - Subdural Flow from 3/30/08.

The woman today said how how I have to remember that while I am spending all my time thinking about Heather, memories of Heather making things tough. To know that today it is not the Heather of my memories, but that she has been "taken over" by the drugs and her thinking is not Heather's. Gosh, I hope that conveys the right message b/c as I wrote it I realize I can not replicate exactly what the woman said, but just the overall understanding I gained...

These two messages gave me strength today.

The unHoliday

2009-11-26T14:19:00.000-08:00

So this is my first Thanksgiving in 19 years to not have Heather with me, not only that, it is the longest I have gone without talking to her. My aunt invited us over to her house, but I declined. I knew I wasn't strong enough to go. I'll get a thought (like picturing Heather all alone for TG, not even a phone call from her mom) and the tears will swell up. I need space to get myself together, to REMEMBER all the things I KNOW. After a couple minutes of mentally talking to myself, I get my emotions in check. But I knew if I was around other people - other people actually "celebrating" - I wouldn't be able to do that.

I didn't think I was going to be able to keep it together after we called our step-daughter to wish her a HTG. She lives with Heather, and it tore me to shreds thinking how what if Heather overheard us calling her :(
My husband (God bless his soul for giving up his holiday for his emotional wreck of a wife) and I are having a "Saturday" :) We got lasagna for me and a sandwich for him from the deli and watched an episode of Lie to Me while we ate. Since then I've been hibernating on the computer.

I want Heather to know I love her, and that I want her with me for TG. BUT, although it is completely backwards to me and makes no sense at all, I believe from what I am learning we are doing the right thing FOR HEATHER. Telling her I love her, and being with her for TG would be the right things FOR ME. But she is more important than that.

I just finished a good book (and you know it's a good book if I actually finished a non-fiction book!!!) and I think (don't want to put words in the author's mouth) it confirms that we are doing right for Heather. The book is called Beyond the Yellow Brick Road (Revised) by Bob Meeham ("The Father of Intervention"). I'm getting strength anywhere I can find it. I love her so much and miss her this holiday.

On another note...

Not having anything to do this TG (no worries of what will I serve, what will I wear... no battling the parking lot at Publix), has given me a chance to contemplate other people who might be having an unHoliday. The homeless people I used to volunteer with where we used to live, the homeless people who live in the woods near our church now, the woman whose husband died unexpectedly this past summer, these are the people am praying for today, and I am ashamed it took ME having an unHoliday to stop and think about OTHERS on this day...

I also want to wish anyone reading this post a peaceful Thanksgiving :) 2009.

2 Chronicles 20:15

2009-11-22T18:05:00.000-08:00

Last Wednesday, November 18, I wrote in my blog, "Why can't God just yell down from heaven and tell me what to do???"

We are advised by the intervention counselor not to have any contact with Heather, unless she initiates it. And even then, we are limited as to what we can say as to avoid being manipulated, lied to, or pulled back into the downward spiral of enabling. I know this is a matter of life or death for Heather, but it goes counterintuitive to what I would do as a mother.

In the comments from my November 12th posting, Cheri at Glass House Ministries blog referred me to the following posting:

http://glasshouseministries.blogspot.com/2009/11/breathing-life-into-dead-places.html

In the posting she references 2 Chronicles 20. After reading Cheri's comment, I looked up the passages referenced, including this chapter.

This is the chapter where an army is coming up against God's people and the Spirit of the Lord told them, "Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's." "Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with you..." "Now they began to sing and praise [Praise the Lord for his mercy endures forever], the Lord set ambushes... the [enemy was] defeated."

In The Message version the Spirit of God tells the people of Jerusalem, "You won't have to lift a hand in this battle; just stand firm... and watch God's saving work for you take place. Don't be afraid, don't waver."

My husband and I attend 2 churches. One a "traditional" church, the other a "home" church. The day after the "intervention" my husband went to the home church with my parents. The message that day was 2 Chronicles 20.
I couldn't get out of bed that morning, I missed the message.

This brings me back to my posting last Wednesday, November 18, when I wrote in my blog, "Why can't God just yell down from heaven and tell me what to do???"

Today we went to our "traditional" church... and guess what the message was... you guessed it: 2 Chronicles 20. But just in case I wasn't listening AGAIN, to make sure there was no room for doubt. The woman sitting next to me leaned over and said, "The Holy Spirit told me to tell you this message is for you." My eyes got wide in disbelief. She smiled an acknowledgement and said, "I was like okay... but I knew I needed to."

I replied, "You were right."

Also today I posted an article from People magazine (Nov. 23, 2009 issue) on my refrigerator. It is the BodyWatch article about a 20 year old named Daniel who has lost 225 lbs. I am not looking to lose weight, that is not why I posted the article on my refrigerator.

I posted it because it is my hope for the future. Looking back on all the times his mother tried to get him to lose weight, Daniel says, "But then I realized everything she was doing was actually out of love. It wasn't that she was trying to change who I am; she didn't want me to die!"

It goes on to say that now he has lost more weight through exercise and, "by communicating more with his family: 'They've become like a support group [to him].'"

If only one day that can be what Heather says about me and the rest of her family!
Through all this I hope she knows we love her.

My first Al-Anon meetings in 15 years

2009-11-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to an Al-Anon meeting - well, two actually. One at lunch time then another in the evening (two different groups/locations). I know the meetings will be helpful, but I can feel myself fighting it already.

I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting in 15 years.

I'm fighting it now because by going is making this REAL.

How quickly it all comes back.
And what amazes me is that what was true then is still true now.

And I don't want it to be true.

The good news is - it gives me something to do - something that I CAN do...

Awards

2009-11-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

I got two awards from friends this week. The first award is from Barbara, "The Needle and the Damage Done". Thank you for sharing this award with me :)

And the "Dragon's Loyalty Award" from both LisaC, "Loving and Parenting an Addict" and Sherry, "Blinded by Love for J" - thank you both for thinking of me :)

I would like to pass these awards on to the following people who have been so supportive of me:

From Me to You:
Dad and Mom, An Addict in our Son's Bedroom
Mother of a Drug Addict
Josh, Diving into the Mind of a Recovering Addict
Debby, How's My Son(Just to let you know even if you're on break, you're still in my prayers!)
Renee, Mom of Opiate Addicted Son

Dragon's Loyalty Award:
ChaiLatte, Hurting Parents-Addicted Son
Madison, Fight of Your Life
Lou, Subdural Flow
I also want to give this one to the three who were kind enough to think of me and have been so caring:
Barbara, Sherry and LisaC

I'm supposed to share 7 things the readers of my blog don't know about me, so here they are:
1. I don't cook.
2. Every week I read about 3 novels, mystery/legal thrillers, authors such as James Rollins, John Sandford, JA Jance, currently reading a Steve Berry novel.
3. Every day after both lunch and dinner, I have to have dessert.
4. I'm a hypochondriac.
5. My favorite topic to discuss are my dogs, any dogs and dog stories.
6. I have 2 dogs.
7. In order to have my dogs I have to get allergy shots because I am allergic to dogs!

Oh, I think I'm supposed to post the award rules too...
The rules are as follows:
1. Thank whoever gave this to you
2. Copy award
3. Post it in your blog
4. Tell us 7 things that your readers don’t know about you
5. Link 7 new bloggers
6. Notify winners of the award with a comment on their blog
7. Keep being awesome!

God bless! :)

Did something for myself today

2009-11-19T17:23:00.000-08:00

I had to drive to Orlando today. Having been recently empowered by the comments written to my last posting, and what the intervention specialist said to me on the phone this morning, I had my own party while driving to Orlando.

I cried so much last night, then this morning. But when I read the comments I was re-assured. I've gotten the message that I need to take care of me, something which I haven't been doing. Since I HEARD what was written and said, and intellectually KNEW it to be the TRUTH, I had a momentary peace, and I took it.

So it only lasted an hour, but it was a great hour!

I recently got a Mercedes SUV, should be a good day right? But it was right when I found out about my daughter. I drove out of the dealership crying. I have not got to enjoy the car at all, I've barely noticed it. But today, almost a month later, I put on cruise control, put in a FFH CD, blasted it loud and cruised on I-4. The sun was out, the temperature was in the low 80's, I almost opened the sun roof but then realized I didn't know how and on the highway was not the place to figure it out!

Some things that went through my head and allowed me this hour of freedom:
Hearing in comments that "it was CLASSIC what an addict would say...", that "the emails are familiar [to other parents]", and "a classic addict statement"
Remembering from an older post's comment, "the battle is God's"
From the intervention specialist, "You have a daughter, but right now it is not YOUR daughter."

Unfortunately, my party was short-lived, and my depression had returned by the drive home. BUT, that was the best I've felt in weeks, AND, I haven't cried any more today :) Progress...

Crying buckets

2009-11-18T18:15:00.000-08:00

I have to write, to get this out, to stop crying...

Okay, so we tried to do the intervention the morning of Oct 31st, she called the police, and we left our individual letters and our "consequence letter". According to the intervention specialist we are to have no contact with her unless she initiates it, and then we are to keep it simple with a message of her getting treatment. Is this really the only way? I mean does she need treatment? Can she get off the drugs and lead a healthy life without counseling? Can we go on like before and pretend we never did the intervention? She says she's "drug-free" (she doesn't consider pot a drug). If she really isn't doing the Oxy/Roxie stuff anymore... will she really go back on it sometime?

The tears are POURING down my face, I already have a mound of used kleenex next to the keyboard, I feel like my heart is breaking in a million pieces. I love her so much. WHY does she do this??? WHY can't she see how much I love her??? Why can't God just yell down from heaven and tell me what to do???

I received an email from her today, it read:

Can you please answer one question. What part of me do you want to change?
What part of me is so awful? I understand the burden that I have been to
everyone all these years, but I am a still growing and learning and I need to
know what part of me it is that my family would rather attack me and push me
aside than approach me and be around to see the woman that I become. Please
tell me what it is SPECIFICLY that is wrong with me that I don't deserve a
family.

Thank you,
Heather
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I wrote a response of what I wanted to say (you're not and have never been a burden, you have a family, you're perfect, you just need treatment to help you with the drugs, we never attacked you but just wanted to talk about you about getting treatment, pot is a drug too, etc), but it got rejected by the intervention specialist. Here's what he strongly suggested (well, insisted) I respond instead (and which I did):

Heather,

You deserve your family and you have one. When you can answer your questions yourself you will realize where we are coming from.

Let us know when you want to go and get the help we offered you.

I love you!

Mom

I understand on a logical level why I was not to get into anything specific with her about the drugs and stuff because it would just go round and round, and very likely set back her ever getting help. But emotionally it was excruciating.
And her response was even harder to take... (I just read it about 15 minutes ago.)

She replied:

Thank you for your response. Could you please mail me all of my personal information that you have such as my passport, birth certificate, social security card, etc.?

Thank you,
Heather
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

One week ago

2009-11-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

One week ago was the last time I had any contact with Heather. In that email and prior contact (since the intervention) she let us know that she was going to be fine, that she would succeed, WITHOUT US. She is majoring in pre-law at college and I would love to she her become a successful lawyer.

Is that possible? If someone "smokes Roxies" for let's say 8 months (she said 4, but her cough has been there since February). Can they just "get off them"? And stay off them? The first time I caught her "doing drugs" she was smoking pot when she was 14 (she's now 19, almost 20). Through the 4 years of high school, different things came up, but I attributed them to "normal teenager experimentation." So I do not truly know how long she has been "doing drugs". She RECENTLY admitted to: using the toilet bowl water the pass a drug test when I tried to give her one senior year (long story, the Asst Principal called saying she was smoking pot and I vehemently defended Heather and had her do the test as proof), at some point doing mushrooms, smoking pot 2x's with her (real) Dad, being "high" all through her Junior year (this is a cheerleader in an affluent neighborhood we're taking about! so appearances aren't everything), and taking a pill (Xanax maybe?, but it was "her first and only time". I've told you about the troubles of her life... and that she doesn't consider pot a drug.

So... that leaves me with trying to figure out... can she truly stop taking drugs on her own for good?

I do not want to be "estranged" from my daughter. Unfairly to her - she is my life - my world revolves around my wonderful daughter God blessed me with her. But, I will NOT be responsible for killing her!!! And that is what is keeping me to "stay the course".

I am not to contact her without her contacting me. Well, she seems in no rush to contact me. This goes the same for the other members of our intervention group. We are NOT to contact her. To contact her would mean we would end up doing one or all of the following: giving her a sounding board for her rants on injustices in her life, get caught up in the craziness of her life, be verbally abused/yelled at/blamed, help her in some way (making doctor's appointments etc), and enabling in other manners. And from what the intervention specialist says: prolonging her drug abuse.

I haven't written in quite a few days. But who needs to constantly hear that I am miserable and afraid?

I am working so hard to believe that God is raising my child and (as in a scripture pointed out by one of my blog friends) to have faith that THE BATTLE IS GOD'S.

I KNOW I am doing the right thing. But, if I am not, at least I know my actions will not cause her death. I would rather her be alive without me, than dead. And from what I read on the internet, death is a very real consequence of this particular drug abuse.

I just pray that some day she realizes that I am doing this/did this BECAUSE I LOVE HER.

Support

2009-11-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

I just read comments from last night's (pitiful) post... I feel revived. I'm off to look up some scriptures referenced by Cheri. But wanted to post these links here in case next year (you know, when all is great in my daughter's life and all is great in my life) another parent joins the
"addiction-is-bent-on-ruining-our-lives club" (thanks Cheri, that actually made me smile!)
and happens upon my blog... these pertain to my post from last night, and are direct links that came in the comments from that post. VERY HELPFUL posts from other bloggers :)

http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2009/01/lifeboats.html

http://glasshouseministries.blogspot.com/2009/11/breathing-life-into-dead-places.html

Pretending (or trying to)

2009-11-12T21:36:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in the past 2 days because I was trying to escape/pretend this isn't happening. But it hasn't really been working. Sitting outside on my front porch just now, wallowing in my misery, I thought, maybe it's because I haven't "dumped" my feelings on "paper" like my friend told me I should. So I came in to write.

My parents are still here and today I upset my Dad because I mentioned my Mom and I going to see my step-daughter's clinic at school one day next week, but leaving him here to take care of the dogs. He said he only comes to Florida to see me. I feel guilt because I'm really not here mentally for them. We live near the beach in a touristy area and usually when they visit we do things. Or even just play a board game at home. I just don't have it in me. But then I felt horrible guilt for being such a wreck. I am hiding at home.

Then tonight my aunt and uncle told my mom they were coming over tomorrow night. I freaked out on my poor Mom. My aunt and uncle have 3 perfect kids (19, 21, 23). I am not saying that sarcastically or with malice. I mean they really are the kind of kids you want for your own, or for your kids to marry. I just couldn't see how I could spend the night hearing about their perfect kids or even just that they get to talk to their kids and see their kids... I know, jealousy is a terrible monster. About an hour later my husband talked to me and said it really won't be difficult, that they talk about a lot more than just their kids, that I'll actually enjoy the evening. I apologized to my Mom, but still feel bad - for my feelings and for getting upset with her.

Then Saturday my husband leaves for 5 days to a fabulous trip to the Ritz Carlton in Dana Point, CA. We canceled my plane tickets because I just couldn't imagine myself going clear across the country when my daughter was in danger. But now I am faced with the guilt of him having to go without me, and the sadness that he is my rock, and I don't want to be away from him.

***CSI spoiler alert for those with TiVo***
I've been trying to escape and watch TV - 3 hours of it tonight. And one show was the CSI final in the Trilogy they've had (3 episodes, Nevada, Miami and NY all tied together). Well wouldn't you know a daughter got in trouble and Langston sent a text to her that said, "Your mother loves you no matter what you've done. She just wants [her daughter] back." Of course the daughter came back, and I just got upset :(

My emotions are all over the board. I have a good James Rollins book I'm reading, and when I can actually get into it, it keeps my mind occupied. But otherwise every few minutes my mind drifts back to Heather, no matter what I'm doing.
When will I be "okay"? I know it's only been less than 2 weeks since the intervention, but I am feeling pressure to "get back to myself".

Spoke to the intervention specialist today. He was very positive. Reiterated what we should do (still no contact), and that if she contacts us it should be filtered through him. He agreed we could have the treatment center send a packet directly to Heather so that was good. The only bad thing was he pointed out again, that the big barrier here is that she still has all that money, and that until it runs out she's probably not going to admit she has a problem. Or unless something else happens in her life that she decides she can't live like that any longer. Either way, I translated it that it might be months. I don't want to live like this for months. I want to figure out a way to get to a "new normal" where I can enjoy life again... I don't know if that is even possible? But reading some blogs I think it is... I just have to figure out how to get myself there...

Thanks again for all the caring and insightful comments. They're such a help and a blessing to me! (I have been reading them even though I wasn't posting anything, and some I've gone back to read again!). And THANK YOU for the prayers!

And bloggers "Dad and Mom" (or maybe it's just Dad) - have a great weekend hunting - I've thought about that a lot because it tells me I too will get there someday!!! (well, not hunting, I don't know how, but you know what I mean!) Anyway - enjoy yourself and the fresh air :)

I think I do feel better having dumped all that out! I think I'm off to bed... at 1:14 am... arrgh!

And here is how my day ended...

2009-11-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, had a little drama today from her ex-boyfriend, but nothing from Heather. Day went along "okay" - I FINALLY gave my poor dogs their much needed baths, and I had a doctor's appointment myself, watched 2 TV shows with my Dad (who's still here with my Mom) - so having some things to do kept my mind off Heather.

Thought, okay, I'll wind up and get ready for bed early tonight. Of course "just in case" I have to check my e-mail, "just in case"...

I saw her email address in my inbox with no subject and got hopeful (I should know better).

Here's what her email said:

Incidentally, my family ran out first..

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

and that was it...
and that was the one line in the email I sent yesterday that I thought was good, that might "get through to her" (besides getting to write "I love you.") As I mentioned in my last post about "The money will run out but your family won't."
I don't understand why she tries so hard to hurt me???

No news :(

2009-11-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

I keep checking my email and Heather has not written back :( But at least I got to tell her I love her. Also the last line of my email was "The money will run out but your family won't." I thought that was good. She received $250K from our underinsured motorists coverage and another $100 from the kid who was driving (less $ to the health ins co. so about $60k), plus another $8k from buying her house outright. She went through the $250 from March-August (including a house and a car, big screen tv, leather furniture etc, juicy coture, etc), then the $60k just came about 2 weeks ago, and the other $8k is on it's way.

And she's been selling a bunch of stuff on eBay.

Once she got the first money it was like she no longer needed us. We still paid her tuition and a bunch of other stuff though. In hindsight, that was enabling which we probably shouldn't have done. I appreciate when "Mom of Opiate Addict" said in the beginning she didn't trust her instincts. It gives me hope that as I learn more, I will do better.

Anyway, I'm thinking the money will deter her, but if it's how it was before, she'll need help sometime around February... I am sick thinking of going through the holidays without her :(

My husband didn't learn anything from my step-daughter tonight at dinner. Which is for the best probably. We really do not want her to get in the middle of it for her own protection, and the protection of her relationship with us, but especially her father of course. Our plan was only if she brought something up.

How sad is that, that we are making plans about what to say with our other daughter at dinner??? It reminds me of what I learned in AlAnon during my first marriage. That while the addict's behavior isn't rational, we (the co-dependents) start doing crazy things too. Like I remember when someone told me, "That is not good for you to be pressed up against the air vent trying to hear what was going on in the basement." I remember having this grid on my face from the vent then when he'd come up having to hide it in the pillow like I was sleeping so he wouldn't know what I was doing.

Responses

2009-11-09T17:25:00.000-08:00

Sorry I am new to blogging and not sure how I am supposed to respond to comments. I saw someone respond in another comment, but then I don't know how the original person will know there was a response? So until I figure it out I will just write as a post...
I've been feeling better overall and I know it is thanks to everyone's feedback. I don't feel so alone. I don't feel as lost.

"Dad & Mom" - I smiled from your last comment about instinct vs. action as I could totally relate to that, but sometimes it takes someone spelling it out for me to comprehend it. Thank you!

"Mom of an Opiate Addict" - I had been seeing references to the 3 C's and wondered what they were - I am glad to know what they are and know that I need to remember them!

I am humbled by this situation and I am humbled by everyone's generosity. Thank you! God bless :)

Excitement/Disappointment/Excitement

2009-11-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

Heather sent me an email today! It wasn't actually "to me" though, it was just to tell me her (ex) boyfriend is under house arrest for stalking and they are going to court for domestic violence where he will be going to jail - and she sent me an email to tell me not to talk to him or his mom if they call as to not interfere with the court case. She also said she was drug-free. She didn't tell me she loved me or anything, but she did send me an email.

So... she contacted ME, so... I can write back! I prepared a nice email about how much I love her and how I didn't disown her as she said in her email from a week ago (that I couldn't respond to). And that treatment wasn't just about being drug-free but to help her make healthy choices and deal with her past.

I was so excited to write her, but then my conscience got the best of me -per the intervention stuff, there are to be no "lone rangers" and we each need to run everything we do by the group. Well I got my mom on my side and I figured I could get her other grandma on my side, so I tried my husband.... can you hear the screeching halt???

My husband said I could not send the email without checking with the intervention specialist. Disappointment. I knew what the intervention specialist would say - NO. I wanted to get approval from the group (easiest to get to see things my way) without letting him know.

The intervention specialist said it sounded fine for a rational person, but in her mind it was going to sound argumentative and like I was running her life again (my best translation for what he explained to me). Sad face :(

But - happy face :( He helped me to write one that said what I wanted to say WITHOUT the pitfalls of the "language" I would use (again, my best translation for how he helped).

Excitement! I get to send her an email and tell her I love her in it :) It's not ideal b/c what I really want to do is throw myself at her feet and grab on for dear life. BUT, this will do if it means ultimately saving her life.

Also - my husband is going out to dinner tonight with my step-daughter (who lives with Heather) that's exciting on two counts 1) she's not mad at us and is looking forward to seeing her dad and 2) maybe he'll get some news about Heather!

Heather's family

2009-11-08T14:31:00.000-08:00

To answer Barbara's question...

Heather is an only child. I had her when I was 19 (didn't have any more kids with her father). When I married my husband he was much older than me and didn't particularly want to "start over".

She is the only grandchild on BOTH sides... needless to say she gets a lot of love and attention from all 4 grandparents! Her dad and I divorced when she was 5.

When she was 9, I married my husband (her step-father) and with that became step-mom to 2 more wonderful daughters. They both lived with their mother in another state growing up, but would visit often. Heather never seemed to quite get the concept of "sisters" BUT, they all got along well enough.

The only real problem didn't occur until about 2 years ago when the oldest moved in with us and really started taking issues with Heather for "how she treated us". They still aren't on speaking terms.

Today they are 19 (Heather), 20 and 26.

When we moved last year the 26 year old decided to head north instead of coming with us. Heather left for college, and this year bought a house (outright) with some of her accident $$. The 20 year old moved in with Heather. The interesting thing is the two of them are closer now than ever, and we are not even sure if the 20 year old is speaking to us now either - she told her dad (my husband), "I am sticking by MY SISTER" after the attempted intervention.

Heather's biological father is in and out of her life as far as I can tell. He lives across the country since we moved her 8th grade year.

A piece of bacon

2009-11-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

Last night I was overwhelmed by the support I felt when I saw some people actually wrote comments to me. I cried. (I know seems like I'm always doing this.) But this time it wasn't from despair, it was from knowing that somebody(s) cared. That somebody(s) took time out of their hectic busy life to write to comfort me. Thank you!

I am doing much better today with the support from the comments and a church service reminding me that God is in control. I read the comments late last night, so have had time to think about them - and my gosh I have done a lot of thinking - on subjects such as: joining AlAnon (looked up meetings here), Heather feeling my/our love, boundaries vs. rules (and how to figure out MINE), fear, and the last line from Sherry's comment, "If you can get to a place of peace within yourself, you will be able to trust that your actions will be led by God and not be fueled by fear."

But today, thinking about the comments, something felt familiar to me. I figured out what it was - the time a neighbor gave me a piece of bacon...

About 4 years ago Hurricane Wilma crossed South Florida. We weren't expecting much as it came across the state from the Gulf. Somehow it didn't lose strength as anticipated, and the eye of the storm went right over our house. It was the scariest thing, my heart was beating so hard from fear my husband could feel it beating in my stomach. One of the storm shutters peeled back from a window on the second floor and things that I couldn't even lift were flying past the second story window (like in the Wizard of Oz!).

Afterward, it was bad. Definitely not Katrina in New Orleans bad, but bad in the sense that all trees were down, minor damage to houses/building, flooding, broken windows, light poles down, street signs down, no electricity... with no electricity came no traffic lights, no gas, no food (have you ever seen a Publix EMPTY??? or seen people waiting in line for an hour just to get into a Publix or Home Depot???). With all the trees down (palm trees were all snapped in half) and flooding it looked, well devastating. If a gas station had a generator, and was fortunate enough to get a shipment, people were actually pushing cars to get gas. It was surreal.

We had no idea when we would get electricity back. If you could get to the FEMA stations you might get some ice and some water, if they didn't run out before your turn came. At home, small generators could keep some electricity going (if you had gas for them), and we relied on the grills for anything hot. Well, we all shared. All the neighbors pulled their resources and we shared. These are people in "normal life" you barely had time to say "hi" to as you were busy rushing around through daily activities. Well, now we had time, and we all got together as one big family.

Anyway, I was walking down the street just "seeing what was going on" and one of the neighbors was grilling, oh it smelled good, BACON! She stopped me and held out her hand and offered me a piece of bacon.

My eyes welled up at her generosity. (oh, of course I accepted it!)
As I walked back home I fought the tears. One, for the kindness of people. Two, for the fact that I had a piece of bacon. Three for the fact... this is ONE piece of BACON I am so excited about!!!??? And finally, that this was REAL, that this MESS was our beautiful neighborhood, that this is REALLY happening.

Like now, I am overwhelmed at everyone's kindness. I get emails all day long, but none have ever affected me the way all your comments did. And I still am having trouble believing this is REALLY happening.

I only with I could return the favor with useful, helpful comments for all of you. I wish I had some bacon to share :)

Time frame

2009-11-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

One more thought. I found out about my daughter smoking Roxies October 23rd, 2009. We did (well, tried to do) the intervention October 31st. I read a statistic (on a website somewhere), that when an intervention is done and the person doesn't go into rehab immediately at that time that 85% of them will go into rehab in the next 30 days.

The intervention specialist said that we are not to contact her. That through our actions (or lack of actions) need to require action on her part. That the more we push toward her, the more she'll pull away. Since she called the police on us and in the limited communication we've received form her since (last time on Nov. 3rd) she was lying and manipulating with every word, that we are not to contact her.

Well, I am going to give it 30 days.

I'll re-evaluate at that time. But for now I will be miserable. I feel I should be able to handle being miserable for 30 days... right???

After those 30 days, I want to contact her. I want to explain that going into rehab isn't just about getting off drugs, but that it is also about re-learning how to work through difficulties, past & present uncomfortable situations, without the aide of drugs. I also want to tell her that pot is included. I really do understand her argument that "pot isn't really a drug", but once you have gone on to others things, harder things, pot is no longer an option. At least that is what I think. (No, I don't smoke pot myself.)

Maybe I can send her the packet from the treatment center? Or have the treatment center send it directly to her? That wouldn't be ME contacting her...

For now I won't do anything I'm "not supposed to" and follow the intervention plan. The most important thing is not what's good for me, but what's good for her. I wish I KNEW EXACTLY what is good for her to help her.

My gosh, what I wouldn't give to hear her voice...

Struggle

2009-11-07T12:35:00.000-08:00

I'm struggling today. I guess I've been struggling since I found out about my daughter, and I have been struggling since the intervention... and for that matter it's been a struggle all 2009, though I didn't know WHY. But the night before last I read a bunch of other parent's blogs and the TRUTH they presented carried me through yesterday. Not that yesterday was easy, but I did fairly well emotionally. I guess that's why today seems extra hard.

Last night I dreamed that Heather called me. I heard her voice, we had a conversation, like it was old times, before two weeks ago when I found out what was going on.

I guess I can never go back to how things were.

I can't believe this has happened. I am angry at the kid who sold her the stuff (and continues to), I am angry at myself for not catching it sooner, I am angry at her for for doing something so stupid. And I am saddened for the kid who sold it to her, saddened that I couldn't protect my daughter, saddened that she will have a harder road now.

And I am mourning the life that could have been.

I love my daughter so much.

This hurts so bad.

Continual prayer

2009-11-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

I pray every day for Heather. About 4-5 months ago I came across an awesome, powerful prayer. I printed it out and have prayed it every morning since. At the time (July) she had blown up at me and proceeded to not talk to me (even leaving me standing on her driveway once yelling up to her window to let me in) for a couple weeks. That's when I started that amazing prayer every morning.

And I'll tell you what, I KNOW it was an answer to prayer that God brought what Heather was doing out into the light. Before 2 weeks ago, I had no idea what I was dealing with, I thought it was all aftermath from the accident - getting worse as time went on.

Don't get me wrong - I pray all day, every day, through out the day, random little prayers or just talking to God. But since July I have faithfully prayed that prayer OUT LOUD each morning. The piece of paper I printed it on is mangled from months of handling and warped from my tears (and the time I spilled some water), but the prayer is still powerful.

I know God is faithful, I just have to work everyday to have faith myself.

Last night I read a bunch of blogs from other parents. They gave me hope, insight and strength to believe in the importance of not enabling. Because every ounce of my being wants to do ALL the things that I now know are enabling, and I now know will be detrimental to Heather

I pray I have the strength to stay the course.

Because what I really want to do is run screaming to her house, "I love you!!!!!".
Email her, call her, contact her... "I love you!!!! Do you need anything? Do you need any help? What can I do for you? Why are you doing this? Can't you see how good treatment would be for you? Can I rub your back? Walk your dog? Want me to treat you to dinner?" Just listen as she goes on about all her woes, stresses, pains and problems. Let her manipulate me. ANYTHING would be better than this... it has been six days since I talked to her and three days since I got a short email. I've got to be strong, for her own good...

God, please give me the grace and discernment I need to do what is right to help my daughter.

The accident

2009-11-05T12:19:00.000-08:00

I guess I should back up. Heather has had her share of hard knocks in life, the divorce, a mother (me) who worked all the time and wasn't (still isn't) a "huggy" kind of person (yes, I have BIG regrets and guilt here), a new marriage for her mom and step-father (though they love each other), a move across the country the middle of her 8th grade year, 2 nose surgeries, tonsil surgery, a difficult relationship with her real father, her parents moving across the state right as she graduated from high school... the list goes on... and then there was the accident.

She had just started college in summer session ('08) when the accident happened. She was in the front passenger seat when the kid driving lost control of the car on the interstate going 110 mph (maybe more). She was airlifted to the hospital and spent 10 days there (on a morphine drip). She then came back to my house before going to her apartment on campus. She couldn't walk for 2 months while her leg and hip healed. All this time she was taking Valium for anxiety and Percocet for the pain (oxycodone was the generic I think???).

By Christmas she had finished her first semester at college with great grades (making the Dean's list), had a job as a waitress and came home for Christmas Eve with a nice boyfriend. I was so happy! She had recovered form the accident.

It was February ('09) when I noticed "the cough" it wouldn't go away. By April she had dropped all but 2 classes. She wasn't working. (She got A LOT of money from the insurance which, I feel, attributed to this mess.) I was getting calls from her roommates parent's about her behavior. Suddenly her back was in SO MUCH pain and it seemed to keep getting worse as time went on.

Her behavior was getting more and more erratic, the cough worse, the back pain worse. In June my husband and I had to clean up a BIG mess she made (I won't go into details). In July she "freaked out" on me and stopped speaking to me for a couple weeks - I begged and pleaded until she relented. (I'm still not sure what that was all about or why she was upset with me to begin with!) A month ago she wanted to commit suicide, then the police pulled her over for speeding an hour later, she "freaked out" on them and they Baker Acted her and she ended up going to a psychiatric hospital. (I know, you're wondering when I was going to get a clue!) Less than 2 weeks ago an old friend called me, I was filling her in on the past year (we hadn't talked in over a year since we moved), and she said, "It sounds like your daughter is addicted to Roxie. I just had to put my daughter through rehab for it this past sumer." She then told me all about "Roxies". You know what I thought... "Oh yeah right, just because YOUR daughter is addicted to drugs, don't try to make it like my daughter is too..."

The very next day I get a text message from one of Heather's friends: Heather is addicted to Roxies, I think they are making her crazy.

GREAT :( I cried for 2 days while calling rehab places etc. I TOLD Heather, when you go to college you will face a lot of things, the ONE DRUG you must DEFINITELY not try is OxyCotin (yes, I read people magazine!).

My understanding now is that 4 months of prescriptions after the accident got her hooked. When the prescriptions ran out, someone showed her how to smoke these blue pills. And here we are.

Just to give you a picture of the difference... Heather has blue eyes, was tall & skinny, HAD long blonde hair. She now is maybe 100 pounds wet, and cut her hair short and dyed it DARK brown (to match her mood? She's not "goth"... but I think this is a reflection of how she's feeling inside? She says people take her more serious now that she doesn't have blonde hair...). In high school she was a cheerleader, swim team, worked part-time, honor student, debate team... had lots of friends... now she can barely manage two easy classes, no job (doesn't need one just got another $60k on top of $250k), and has lost almost all her friends. She told me she doesn't have any friends any more because they don't know how to deal with her pain. My friend (who had called and told me about her daughter) said, "She doesn't have any friends any more BECAUSE of her addiction." DUH-in hindsight! She's had EVERY change that they always tell you to look out for to know if your child is using drugs... but because of the accident I attributed it all to that...

The accident. How stupid am I??? I can I tell you, I've made EVERY EXCUSE IN THE BOOK TO EVERYBODY THIS WHOLE PAST YEAR FOR EVERYTHING SHE HAS DONE, DEFENDED HER AND STOD BY HER AGAINST EVERYTHING - because, of course, she's my baby, perfect and wonderful in every way in my eyes.

I am now so upset over - how much damage did I do with enabling??? My gosh. The guilt I feel as a parent for everything is unreal. I never wanted anything but the best in the world for my daughter...

How long?

2009-11-05T12:02:00.000-08:00

I wonder how long this has to go on before she finally goes into treatment? I think of her father and 20 years later he is still smoking pot. We were married 6 years. I remember saying to him he was choosing his friends, pot and beer over me. That didn't deter him, and we divorced in 1995. i can't make it that long without talking to my baby, without being in her life. I woke up this morning, cried ridiculously for 2 hours, then took a nap I was so exhausted.

My parents are here, fortunately. Mom and Dad are helping me feel love. My husband too, but he is out of town for a business trip. Did I mention that all 4 grandparents DROVE 18 hours to get here for the intervention? Only to have her kick us out. My (ex)father-in-law said it was the first time in his life he was evicted.

Can she really live without us? I don't know if I can live without her. Even though she has been disrespectful, demanding, and short to me over the past 9 months (a little, then more and more until it has been ridiculous), I would take that just to be in her life.

I also can't believe with all the signs it NEVER dawned on me what was going on. I mean I had my suspicions, but when I questioned her I believed her. I attributed everything she was going through (and putting us through) to the accident. She was in pain and jaded, and therefore needed my help, understanding, and needed for me to take whatever she dished out. I thought I was helping her through the aftermath of the accident. In hindsight, the accident was over a year ago, her bone scans are coming back fine, she probably does have some pain in her back still, but according to the chiropractor, it should be manageable.

Now I know what smoking these pills does to you physically, and that she needs to learn "healthy" ways to deal with her problems. (She smokes pot too.) In her defense, life has been hard on her - starting with my divorce from her father - she has faced a lot for a girl of only 19. But now I know that she is not working through her problems in a healthy way (doesn't know how; therefore isn't capable of it), but rather "stuffing" them.

This is miserable

2009-11-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

Today is Wednesday, we did the intervention Saturday. All I can do is cry, I feel like I am in mourning. Eight of us went to her house for the intervention: 4 grandparents, my husband (step-dad) and me, an uncle, and the intervention specialist. We were peaceful (she was angry), got one letter read, she said some things in anger to us, then she went upstairs, locked herself in the room and called the police on us.

The police said we had to leave as it is her house. The officer gave her all of our individual letters along with the "consequence letter" from all of us combined.

According to the intervention specialist and the head of the intervention company, we are to NOT contact her. If she contacts us, we are to say: "I love you. Please let me know when you're ready for treatment." She called me that night and that is what I said. I said what I was supposed to. She said she'd never speak to me again in her life and that we were all a bunch of ****ing idiots.

My mother emailed her a Bible scripture and she wrote back. She ended her email to my mom with, "Good Bye Grandma". (Now I'm crying again.)

I understand on an intellectual level why we are not to contact her, I do not understand at all on a personal level. I love her. Not contacting her is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want to contact her, I want to tell her I love her. She is my baby. The intervention specialist says this is very real and she really could die. I have to stick to this so she gets better, gets treatment.

I don't know how long I can take this.

I don't want to talk to anybody. All these people with their kids in their lives. (Did I mention she is my only biological daughter?) Everyone else gets to talk to their kids. I want to too. I'm getting my keyboard wet so I'm going to stop for now...

A Mother's Heartbreak

2009-11-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

My friend said I should keep a journal of my feelings. She said it would help me get through this heartbreaking period of my life, and that some day maybe I could share it with my daughter. Two weeks ago I found out that my 19 year-old daughter is addicted to a serious drug. I'm not real knowledgeable about this - it was 19 years ago when I was following the Dead - a lot has changed on the drug scene since then. But the kids are calling it "Roxie" - I have come to learn that it is Roxicet, Roxicodone, and then either Percocet or OxyCotin? Apparently she has been smoking it. From what I have read on discussion boards, even people who do this drug, think smoking it is asking for a death sentence.

I'm crying already, but at least I have a start on this journal... I'll try to write more later...