Something's been on my mind this week.
Tuesday I went out to Orlando to have dinner with Heather, my cousin (who is only a couple years older than Heather), my aunt, and my grandmother (Heather's great-grandmother).
Heather was a little "off" or "down".
I don't want to be oblivious, but I truly believe she's not doing drugs. She had called me Sunday and was sick with a cold, then called me Monday and said she hadn't smoked any cigarettes that day or Sunday (thinking being sick would give her a jump start on quitting). It was now Tuesday night at 7:00 pm and I "knew" (ha!) she had been up since attending her 7:30 am class (I asked her if she'd had a nap that day to which she replied "no"... I assumed she went to class...). These were excuses I made in my head for her behavior.
BUT, they could be true. She was respectful and considerate, told me she loved me, etc. SAID all the right things though her demeanor was "down".
I chose to believe she is still not using oxy.
Fine.
Thursday my aunt calls me... "I just wanted you to know I think you have to keep praying for Heather. Before you got there she was acting weird, jittery. She may be doing 'the drugs' (ha!) again. Grandma noticed something too."
My heart sank. Not because I believed my aunt was right (I still believe she is wrong), but because this is my daughter.
Is she going to be under suspicion for the rest of her life from everyone who knew about her addiction?
When it comes down to it (as I've learned in Al-Anon) it is none of my business whether or not she is using as long as it doesn't come into my life. I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. But in this case her behavior was acceptable.
My mom said it is my pride getting in the way that they would suspect something of MY daughter. Maybe it is. But - whether I am right or wrong in thinking she is still off the oxy - that is not the point I am trying to make - I am finding myself angry that they would call me with their suspicions - and to say that I need to keep praying for her...
She has been accomplishing a lot of taking care of her business herself and I have been very proud of her. What business do my aunt and grandma have being pot stirrers??? I "know" they meant well, but I can't help being angry that they were trying to be "holier than thou".
Wrong or right these are my feelings... and I guess they have been hurt.
I believe this…
1 day ago
It takes longer for other than it does for us. There has to a be a lt of time before hurt of this type goes away for everyone and with some it will never go away. You and Heather just have to accpet that this is the new reality and you can either accept it or avoid totally the situations.
ReplyDeleteI would expect Heather to be nervous and jittery. I see that in Alex even around us when he is not using. He has a lot to be nervous about and he talks about what he thinks others think of him and it isn't good. So yes, if Heather thinks about her past and waht everyone has been through it will be rough making connections for a long time. The bad thing about it is until others let go too they will be jittery too and that becomes their problem.
The thing that stood out for me the most in your post, is that YOU are working a program of recovery and they are not!! Almost like they don't know any better... Kind of like us before we entered Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, right?! I recently spent some time with a friend who is the sweetest thing and at first I was rubbed a bit wrong by some of things she was saying, until I reminded myself that her life has not been touched by addiction and much of what she was saying were things I used to say/think to myself! I instantly "forgave" her and was SO grateful for how far I've come! Love & Big Hugs to you, Heather's Mom!! : )
ReplyDeleteYou know the signs and you know your daughter. But wouldn't jittery suggest NOT on oxy?
ReplyDeleteFeeling down could also be a sign of (mild) withdrawal.
If she relapsed it could have been after all that.
When I was on heroin I'd usually have been more outgoing on it, clammed up, sulky without it.
I'm only saying this as food for thought as I say I don't know the situation.
Hope things get better soon.
:-)
Sending you a hug of comfort. I sure hope she's fine, she's been doing so well.
ReplyDeleteI really like your blog. I'm a 24 year old recovering addict and I can only imagine the pain you've been through. It's interesting to read your blog because often times I don't even think about what my own mother has gone through. She suggested I write a blog because I'm not working right now so I've been writing everyday. I hope everything works out for you and your family. Just don't give up.
ReplyDeleteHi Sweetie! Sorry I haven't been here for awhile. I completely understand! My family does the same thing. They just don't know. Glad you say it here. Glad you're working your recovery too. Love you and pray for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing your relatives are not in Al-Anon. Learning to "mind my own business" is a hard thing to do, even with all the tools of the program. I'm grateful every day that I have them.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs to you.
I can absolutely understand why you are mad. It feels judgmental on their part. Do they not understand how we pray for our children? Pride? I some how doubt I personally have any of that left. I am sorry they made you feel "less than"...shame on them.
ReplyDeleteI can so identify with your frustration! Trust your mother's heart and your daughter, until proven otherwise!
ReplyDeleteBlessings and prayers,
Cheri
Heather's Mom!
ReplyDeleteSo often it is that 'family' is the worst thing which can happen to an alcoholic/addict. In our 'helpfulness' we sometimes keep another from reaching their 'bottom' so that they can really surrender when coming into the meetings.
You have received loads of advice, I'm sure. So just simmer down, be a Mom, set (WRITE DOWN!) 'boundaries/parameters', stick to the RULES you and she have written, and relax, both of you. Try...TRY to enjoy life. Things WILL work out. If we let Higher Power take over!!! I have seen SO MANY end up happy, clean, sober, unruffled by affairs of the world. PEACE!
Post some more!
ReplyDeleteI hope everything's OK :-)