Working on her testimony...

Maybe it's the emotional holiday season, but I find myself worrying about Heather and all she's "lost" and all she has to overcome in the future. I worry that she has to big a load to carry. It seems when I get stressed, overwhelmed, and busy I can throw all my Al-Anon training right out the window and OBSESS over Heather's life.

Excuse: I'm her mom and I love her so!

She has sold her house (closing next month) and will have to move into an apartment. I worry that she will not be able to find one and/or be able to move in time before closing, that someone will rent to her with her not having a job AND having a large dog. I worry about how she's holding up mentally. She went through all her money (but will be getting money for the house, of which she owes about $30K from that) - don't get me wrong, to the normal/average person (lol) she will have PLENTY of money! But I worry about how the effect of going through that MUCH money while on drugs will have on her - now and in the long run. She has humbled herself and said, things like, "I screwed up and blew it all on drugs." And, "I hate to think of everything I lost b/c I did drugs." I worry about her hip which is causing her pain (she went to the orthopeadic surgeon who wanted to prescribe her pain pills! uggh!!! She declined and then later got upset and said to me, "I should call him and tell him to get his facts straight before offering pain medication!"). I worry on her schooling, if she will find a job (if she's even looking?).

I should be praising God at how far she has come, but my heart aches for her. I've reverted into that "she's my baby!!!!" feeling. And wishing I could make it all better for her.

Something that has helped me SO during my emotional weakness the past couple weeks is...
There is a young girl at church (28?) in recovery (actively working the steps etc). She is well-spoken, sweet and beautiful. She saw my worries and said to me (with a smile!)...
"She's out working on her testimony!"

It gives me comfort when I can pause long enough to think about this. I am 40, and I have MY own "testimony"... and here I am today just fine (well, you know what I mean!)

That statement gives HOPE, as a testimony is one's past that brought them to the (perceived) positive present.

I wish so much for my daughter, the best of everything. It is hard watching your child go through trials.

She's coming over tonight (in about an hour) to sleep over and then spend Christmas day with us. Tonight I am going to be thankful for all I have, including the wonderful daughter God blessed me with. Tonight I am going to love her and enjoy her for who she is, as she is.

Today I am blessed, and I know this. I have to fight those nagging, worrisome thoughts that intrude in my head, trying to rob me of my peace. For truly, today IS peaceful.

I wish anyone reading this a peaceful holiday :) and send love & hugs to my blogger friends!

Break's Over

So much has happened since the last time I wrote. I keep thinking I have to get back to writing on my blog, and today told myself - just do it!
It's been a busy couple of months with trips and house guests, one holiday past, I'm keeping up on my exercising, yoga and al-anon. Have yet to break out any Christmas decorations, but am so thankful that this year it's an option!
I've been fighting a bit of a depression the past couple weeks, but I've come to the realization that I think I am just lonely. I've talked to my husband about it and trying to pull through, maybe I'll write more in a later post.

In this post I just wanted to write an update on Heather and share some pictures from Sint Maarten/Saint Martin.

Heather is doing awesome - praise God - it's all relative - but in my new view she's doing awesome! She's back in school taking 4 classes (2 online) and looking for a job. She still suffers pain in her back and hip, but without the drugs, her attitude and outlook is so much better.

She's gone through the money she received from the accident and has sold her house (she'll still have that money - PLENTY - when it closes in January. We are helping her with some expenses and tuition reimbursement (we will pay her per credit hour after she passes a class and I have the logon to check her grades direct with the University). This is no longer a guarantee, but something we are doing to support her achievements. As long as she is off the oxycontin, respects us, and continues working toward "our goals", we see this as a help up versus throwing money into a pit, or a help down. I say "our goals" because what it really amounts to is that as long as she is doing what WE want. That sounds harsh, but through Al-Anon etc, we have learned that what she does in her life is between her and God. I am not her Higher Power and what "I" think she should do for her life may (probably isn't!) not be what God wants for her life, or even what is truly best for her. That being said, it is now OUR choice as to what involvement we want, what behaviors we support - versus before we were just sucked into an abyss thinking we had no choice. We are NOW exercising our choices, knowing we HAVE choices, and they're not set in stone.

I'm working to "keep my side of the street clean" and also make up for some things I personally did wrong in the past 20 years. Besides the obvious being a blind pushover (lol). I'm specifically talking about trying to physically show Heather my love for her with hugs and kisses. I've never been a "touchy-feely" kind of person, but now am seeing how much good that can do a child - even at 20 years old! And I see Heather light up at my display of affection. She even used a picture of the two of us (her kissing my cheek actually) as her Facebook profile picture. She said to me, "Mom you look so happy!" That just touched my heart and made it smile!

Okay - can't resist - I'll post that picture here briefly. You can also see how she has gained weight to where she is very healthy now since being off the oxy.

[photo removed]

Me & Heather (Not the best photo of either of us (oh well!), but you can see the love and can you even believe it if you read my posts from this time last year???)

***TRIP PHOTOS***

Sint Maarten/Saint Martin
What a great trip. It was the first trip my husband and I have taken alone (that wasn't business) since our wedding almost 12 years ago! I tried to pick a good sampling of pictures.

Infinity pool at condo

Oyster Pond

Philipsburg, Sint Maarten (Dutch side)

Philipsburg, Sint Maarten (Dutch side)

That's really me holding an alive sea star put in my hand by "Sea Urchin Man" (French side of Oyster Pond, pull up to the lookout and a local named Calvin - aka - Sea Urchin Man will walk you across/through the water to the island -for a tip if you are able- Calvin is the best kept secret on the island!)

Me holding a black sea urchin (Calvin knew how to handle it in a way that you won't get stung - DO NOT try this on your own!)

I don't know if this 2D picture does the extent of the incline of the streets there justice... think San Francisco...)

Marigot, Saint Martin (French side)

the mall in Marigot, Saint Martin (French side)