"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then..."
I keep being reminded of this song by Harry Chapin. I haven't seen Heather in a month. We've spoken on the phone a few times, the calls have all seemed to go well. But whenever I bring up getting together she's too busy and can't find the time.
Heather is 20 now. I have heard of "empty nest syndrome" maybe this is what it is? My two step-daughters did not live with us - they lived with their mother in another state. My oldest step-daughter did not come to live with us until she was already 24... so I have no idea if this is what it's like when your kids "grow up".
That's about the extent of what I have been dealing with since my last post. I have been OVER BUSY with things of my own creating - working out with a trainer, bar classes, boxing, Nia, yoga, Al-Anon meetings, FarmVille - it's premiere week on television (I'm already behind on the SEVENTEEN shows I set up Season Passes for!)... it's all been good, but I miss Heather. I'm trying to tell myself "this is normal, this is how it's supposed to be, this is good". It's hard when your daughter doesn't "need" you anymore.
But our phone calls are good (as can be expected), even if they are far between...
Throwing out the "not talking about her Dad in this blog rule"...
I've been a little troubled over our last call though. Through her life her biological Dad has been "hard" on her. (Mentally. Like not talking to her for almost a year and telling her what a bad daughter she is for example. Or texting her he was going to kill himself and that the blood would be on her hands. Or actually smoking pot WITH her.) Since we moved to Florida 8 years ago he has not lived in the same state, so her in-person contact has been very limited.
In our last phone call she shared that over the past couple weeks she's been going through it with him. She WANTS to have a relationship with him. She IS trying. For her part, she seems to be responding very level-headedly to him this time. (For my part, I truly try to stay out of it. I believe in "not saying bad things about the other parent to the kids" - admittedly I am not always successful, but I do try, and I really try to foster a relationship between Heather and her paternal grandparents and uncles [wonderful people by the way] when things aren't going well between her and her Dad.)
Apparently they were talking a bit after another period of silence and then he contacted her and she was busy and couldn't get back to him for awhile. And then it started... the emails about what a horrible person she is... he used unflattering adjectives to describe her, said how she would be all alone and to "have fun in the world".
(As usual) I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to bash him, and I (obviously) couldn't support him either. I told her that (the adjectives) weren't true. And that she was a wonderful, loving, caring person. And that I loved her very much. My heart was aching.
Her voice changed to a "bored-sounding" tone. She said, "I know Mom. I'm at my hair appointment now and have to go in..."
[cue music]
And the Cat's in the Cradle...
My husband and I are off to the Al-Anon convention in St. Pete tomorrow (runs Friday - Sunday), and Heather MIGHT be able to make a dinner with me next week :) And I just remember that God is good.
What is the pay-off for nothing…
2 days ago
That is so funny (not in the Ha Ha kind of way) that you think of "Cats In The Cradel" in relation to Heather because I do the exact same thing with my son! I tell him I miss him and would love to see him and my grandson and he says, I know mom, miss you too...I've just been really busy working and all. He is also 20. But like you said, we have to remember that this is a good thing...it's hopefully an indication that they are standing on their own two feet and this is indeed good. Thanks for sharing, glad I'm not the only one hearing Harry Chapin out there! lol!
ReplyDeleteI see my son everyday and wish he'd go away so I could miss him :)
ReplyDeleteI do hope that you and Heather can see each other soon.
Let us know how the Alanon weekend went!
My son went through similar problems with his father (whom I divorced when he was 2 yrs. old). Anyway, I consulted a therapist and he had steps to follow when communicating. I don't remember all of them, but it was something like:
ReplyDelete1) After Heather relays a negative conversation she's had with her father to you, you ask "How it makes her feel".
2) Then, empathize with her, ie., "That must be hard to deal with".
Perhaps she just wants you to listen to her and not try to fix it...because you can't.
You're both in my thoughts and prayers!
I was thinkin of you today so I buzzed over here to remind myself of your last post! You are busy and life is moving forward. Having a son (I feel pretty good that we generally talk on the phone 1x per week), I thought only son's didn't call their parents. I think the truth is, young adults (regardless of gender) don't call their parents. They are busy trying to have a life. It still means we miss them though.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like both you and Heather are doing well, and I'm really glad to hear that. Hang in there and I hope you've caught up on some of those television shows! :)
Hello! I just stopped by to thank you for visiting my blog during my hiatus, but it looks like you're having a bit of one, too! I have missed you.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me of a neighbor who moved to California to be closer to her kids and grandkids only to find that she didn't see them any more than when she lived in Arizona because they were all busy with their own lives. lol She's in the process of moving back. I do think that's normal. Certainly not unusual.
I feel for Heather's situation with her dad. My daughter has been much more fortunate, though there are times when he can be/has been cruel. Sometimes very cruel. I have stayed out of it. I haven't wanted to triangulate myself into their relationship in any way.
In general, I just say supportive things like "that's really hard" and "I'm so sorry you're having a tough time with your dad."
If Heather were my daughter, I would probably suggest Al-Anon. Even though Heather has battled her own substance abuse issues, IMHO most people who do can also benefit from Al-Anon because, let's face it, they either grew up in the disease because of the strong hereditary component, or have hung out with alcoholics and addicts. So they've usually been affected by someone's drinking or sobriety themselves.
But I would phrase it from my own experience by saying, "I've learned a lot of tools in Al-Anon. If you ever want to try a meeting, I'd be glad to take you."
Then I'd drop it unless she asked about it again. My sponsor taught me that I have the right to say things once. Any more than that, I'm trying to control. Beyond that, I just try to be a good example of recovery.
I hope you've been well since this post. Sounds like you've truly gotten busy with your own life. Good for you. Hugs to you.