All the things I have learned in Al-Anon, from books, and from other blogs etc. have been so helpful to me in so many ways - not just regarding Heather - in all aspects of my life.
However, regarding Heather, I'm doing things I probably should have been doing all along, things that I think are beneficial to myself and to Heather. Letting her handle her own problems is not "tough love", it's letting her work through consequences the same way I do. Letting her handle her own life is not "tough love", it's letting her feel the full accomplishments and accolades of her own successes. I make a mistake, I deal with the consequences, I have a doctor's appointment, I get myself there, fill out paperwork, make payment, I do something good, I reap the rewards, etc etc etc.
By stepping out of her life, I have more time to deal with my own. By stepping out of her life, God has more room to work directly with Heather. By stepping out of her life, she has more room to bloom.
BUT OH MY GOSH is it HARD!!! I don't know if it is me or the way I was raised or society or what, but I am a mother - her mother - and all I want to do is love her and take care of her.
Yesterday she got her remaining wisdom teeth out. She did not ask for any financial help, she did not ask for any physical help. She made the appointments herself, when I talked to her the day before she was driving the films from one doctor to another. She was doing this all on her own. (Of course I did call her to remind her about how horrible dry sockets are so to not try to smoke... ironic thing, she thought I was calling to remind her to be careful of the painkiller prescriptions and said she already knows... I was like that's great, but I forgot about those, I was actually calling about dry sockets!)
I wanted to be there, to help - drive her to the appointments, make her soup, pay for the surgery, whatever. But she didn't ask for my help in any way. I sent her a text yesterday saying I hope it went well, but haven't heard back from her.
Sunday night I had dinner with her and 2 of her friends. We had a fun evening. She looks great, though there wasn't much "personal" talk as her friends were there - but that's cool - we had a good time. She looks great.
I am so proud of her how she is handling everything - HER LIFE - on her own. My need to love on her is just that - MY need. Those "voices" in my head say, "She's going to think you don't love her b/c you didn't do xyz." I KNOW I love her, I KNOW we are there if she needs us. I am working through all these feelings.
Time just seems to be moving on and while she is proceeding with her life, I am working on moving mine forward.
In the upcoming months I have to look forward to many things:
my step-daughter visiting
my friend visiting
my parents visiting
a trip to New Jersey
a trip to St. Pete for the Al-Anon convention
a trip to St. Maarten
on a daily basis I continue with my trainer, yoga, boxing, and Al-Anon
Heather is working hard and having many successes. Not everything she does is as I would WANT, and some stuff she tells me really freaks me out, but nonetheless I am so proud of her. I am just trying to figure out the balance for ME in HER life.
It is torture for us all…
4 days ago
You’re right on with this post and I especially love this sentence: “By stepping out of her life, God has more room to work directly with Heather.” I need to remember this one because it’s soooo very true!! Your post reminds me of a few conversations I had several months back concerning my son. I came to the realization that it was really no wonder that Jacob couldn’t stand on his own two feet, we’ve never really allowed him to, when you get right down to it. We will never know what he is really capable of or the kind of young man he could potentially be until we step aside and get out of the way and allow him to grow and figure out on his own what he’s really made of. Trying to save them really does them a great disservice. We’re all learning & growing as we go along! Thanks for inspiring post and enjoy your upcoming trips, they sound wonderful – especially St. Pete & St. Maaren!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post about focusing on our own program and moving forward, while allowing our kids to have the dignity to do the same. Great post..miss you tons, just stopping in and will be back to blogging after Summer. Keep up taking care of business;)
ReplyDeleteboy can i relate to everything you said. especially the it being HARD part. but you are so, so right about letting them stand on their own. but the urge to help is overwhelming at times. thanks for the inspiration.
ReplyDeletedaisy
Thanks for sharing and posting this. Just what I needed to read.
ReplyDeleteCarolyn
www.parentofanaddictcdcb.wordpress.com
Hey I LIVE in NJ! Let me know if you are going to be in Northern NJ! I would love to share a cup of coffee with you!
ReplyDeleteThis post was dead on for me. In fact, as you know, I just posted about this exact same issue - detaching with love and allowing my daughter to take charge of her own life. YOU are an inspiration! I'm no where near you in my own recovery. I still panic, and act on my own anxiety by doing too much for my daughter. I've decided that after Hayley's court hearing tomorrow, which I will attend on her behalf, I will turn all this legal stuff over to her. You're right - it's not tough love. She's ~ 110 days sober, and it's time for her to step up and take over her responsibilities. This is what is best and needs to happen, both for Hayley and for myself. I'm proud of Heather and her taking care of her own health issues. Stay strong - you're a role model for us all. Peggy
ReplyDeleteGreat post!!! I am also glad that Heather is doing so well.
ReplyDeleteHM,
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job of stepping back and letting Heather assume responsibility for herself. It's hard, I know.
Our son had only been sober for a couple years when he had to have his wisdom teeth removed. I was fearful of the painkillers too. Then he told me that he told the dentist he didn't want any narcotic pain killers. Pretty amazing.
He lives several hours from us, so it is a bit easier to let him be responsible for himself.
Keep up the good work!
Cheri
I'm so happy to hear that Heather is doing much better and you too! Hope you had a good weekend. Still sending good thoughts and prayers for both of you!
ReplyDeleteLoved reading this today! I attended my first Nar-Anon meeting and the topic was detachment. I was like "Whats that?". I love your honesty and strength.
ReplyDeleteGosh almost a month ago--this post. Time just chugs right along. You are learning what every parent gets to one day realize. They GREW up, right under our noses.
ReplyDeleteGood sobriety wishes for heather, and serenity for heather's Mom!
PEACE!