Geez, if only it were that easy! It's been a week and a half since I talked to Heather. She hasn't called.
We leave for Key West early Sunday morning and I'd like to talk to her to let her know we'll be gone. Habit I guess. But do I call her??? Do I not call her???
I try not to talk about her biological Dad on this blog, but my dilemma won't make sense without background... In his defense, he has addiction as well as mental illness issues...
Anyway, he goes periods with not talking to Heather for up to a year at a time... for example, saying she is such a terrible child that when she changes to call him... texting her that he's going to kill himself and the blood will be on her hands... telling her she is selfish and self-absorbed and wants nothing to do with her until she can treat him properly... etc.
Currently she hasn't seen him in... over a year maybe??? He came to Florida earlier this year "to see her" but ended up staying in Tampa and not seeing her at all (I won't go into the details). And communication over the phone has been spotty, and since the Florida trip incident, non-existent the past three months or so.
This HAS to affect a child...
My ex-father-in-law (whom I love dearly) told me that early last week Heather sent this RANDOM text message to her Dad that said only, "I hate you."
So now I'm faced with do I call Heather. I want to because I love her.
But I don't know if I am calling:
Heather #1 - who will use it to "wield her power over me" and make me feel miserable. OR
Heather #2 - who just wants so badly to have a family and not be rejected that she's grateful for my call.
My last post tells all that happened in our last conversation(s) over a week ago... all was going well before then. I love her and do not want her to feel alone and unloved. BUT, then I think these feelings of mine are what got me in trouble in the first place (pre-intervention, pre-Al-Anon).
One call to tell her I love her and we'll be out of town... If I can muster the strength to OWN my feelings instead of "her making me feel"... Maybe I'll wait until we're on our way to Key West to give her another day where maybe she will call me...
Maybe I won't hold my breath...
I am in this ridiculous fight…
1 day ago
OK, so I'm not a counselor, but if I had a bunch of kids (addict or not) I would let each one know I was leaving town just out of courtesy. I don't mean to imply you should do this, I just think this would be my personal guideline. I don't see how it work hurt to give a simple message. Does she text message? That seems to be the best way to connect with our 3 kids (the 2 non-addicts and the addict - no difference!!!). Perhaps a text would be less vulnerable for you, would allow you to give her the important message and give her the opp to return the call if she wants.
ReplyDeleteJust my 2 cents. I'm new to this game so there may be other views...
PS. I hope you have a restful, peaceful, and sun-filled time in the Keys. My husband wants to take me there one day. Hopefully we will be as lucky as you :)
ReplyDeleteYou can call her when you get back. In the meantime you'll have your cell phone in case she needs to reach you. This way you can enjoy your stay in the keys without having been put on a guilt trip first.
ReplyDeleteIt is sad but most of the time I pick up the phone to call my son I end up dialing for pain. She knows you love her and are there for her, one phone call is not going to make a huge difference in her knowing that. I hate that we can't just pick up the phone and call our kids to say "hey, how are you, what have ya been up to lately". We could, but usually we get sucked into drama and guilt and sadness. I hope you have a peace filled trip, you so deserve it!!
ReplyDeleteIf she can get in touch with you on your cell, I wouldn't worry about it. "Dialing for pain" isn't going to do you any good and there is a good chance that is how the conversation would go. Just my two cents.
ReplyDeleteMy children also have an absent and addicted father with mental health issues. When they saw him at his mother's funeral a week and a half ago it had been the first time in almost a year. He doesn't call at christmas or birthdays or pay his court ordered child support. I've spent a lot of time trying to make up for the fact that they have a non-existent (unless he's drunk calling or something equally stupid) father. But I CAN'T and I never will be able to. All I can do is help them understand that it is not their fault, the ownership of his neglect belongs squarely on his shoulders. With my daughter's addiction issues it is harder but it still comes down to the same thing. As sad as it is, it is something she will have to learn to deal with at some point.
I hope you have a great trip. Enjoy the sunshine!
Carolyn
If you call please do it at about 4 pm. It seems to be a good time for addicts. They are up and moving but not yet high. Texting sounds the best to me if you are afraid to do it but also not comfortable with leaving the whole thing alone.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to call...you hurt, feel guilty and nothing has changed. If she calls you while you are gone, that will be good. And besides, if I remember correctly, it's not like she is close enough to come over and watch the house (and I'm guessing you wouldn't want that anyway), so there is not reason to say "we are out of town." That is an old leftover habit from when we didn't carry our telephones with us. Relax and rejoice that you are going somewhere restful, beautiful and calming! :)
ReplyDeleteI think it would be "normal" to call your child(ren) and let them know you were going out of town...but dealing with an addict is anything but normal. Follow your instincts. If you think she will make you miserable - don't call! Like someone said above, she has your cell number.
ReplyDeleteHere's what *I* think--grin! I believe you will figure it out. In cases like these, a little meditation sometimes goes a LoooooonG way!
ReplyDeleteBut whatever you do, try enthusiasm--having no regrets. OK? A lot of good advice up above--and you DID ask, right?
Blessings
Whenever I don't know what to do, I pray until the answer is clear.
ReplyDeleteI used to call my daughter from time to time (when she had a phone) just to see how she was doing. What I settled on with regard to "rules of conduct" for myself was to treat her the same way I would treat her if she weren't an addict/alcoholic. I would do no more and no less.
For a while I wondered if I should stop calling. It seemed entirely too one sided. The only time my daughter ever called me was when she wanted something. My sponsor encouraged me to continue to call as long as my motive was just being a loving mom and not to try to manipulate or control in any way.
"Calling our kids is what good parents do," she said.
Anyway, soon after that, God took that decision out of my hands when she no longer had a phone.
Then, I could only turn it over to God and wait for her to contact me.
So, what I usually do is pray for guidance, go to meetings and talk to my sponsor until the answer is clear. A good rule of thumb for me is that, until it is clear, I do nothing.
Hope you have a good trip in any event. Love and hugs.
Is email an option? or as some have said, a text, just stating in a happy manner that you will be gone for x number of days and that she can reach you if she needs you, and that you love her. That way you've done the courteous thing that "normies" do.... the type of thing that you might appreciate her doing someday... I dunno. I think Steveroni and others have good points - meditate or pray on it until it's clearer to you which solution is the best...
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers!
Texting is the way I go in these situations. You get to state your piece and, without reading the inflection in your voice, your daughter gets the information that will give you some peace. You clearly want to make some contact.
ReplyDeleteThe only caveat is that with my daughter, she is apt to sabotage things. Crises seem to happen when she knows that I am otherwise disposed.
Don't do anything until your heart tells you the right thing. Forcing a decision will make you nervous. And, your daughter will pick up on it.
I hope you and your husband have a relaxing vacation in the Keys.
xx kris