So I called on the way down South Thursday. She didn't pick up so I left a message saying I was on my way to Coral Springs. She called back TO THE HOUSE Friday (left a garbled message), and again Saturday (no message, name just showed up in caller ID per house-sitter).
I called her Saturday about an hour after her call - she answered, I said I couldn't really talk long b/c I had to get ready to go out, and she said she couldn't talk anyway, so we exchanged I love yous and that was it. I called her again on the car ride home and left another message, she hasn't responded.
That's it.
Going back to Coral Springs made me remember "how things used to be". We had a great time visiting with friends, but I have felt this underlying sadness. I find myself wishing to be able to go back in time to "normal" days. I just really miss my daughter. I think part of this also just comes with "empty nest syndrome". I'm trying my best to put this sadness and longing for the past out of my head, but it's been a struggle.
On the highway I was having a little internal war, and looked over and saw a billboard that said "JESUS" (that's all it said). At least it stopped my agonizing for the rest of the ride, every time my brain wanted to go there I'd picture the billboard.
I know it does no good to wish things were different. I'm going to my Al-Anon meeting tonight and hope my head gets straight :)
It is torture for us all…
4 days ago
Hi,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are suffering, like I am, from ambiguous loss. We have daughters but not like other people do. And, if you are like me, there is grief in that loss. Our daughters have to be handled carefully and a phone call at the "wrong time" can mean misery for us - the worry that ensues after a garbled exchange.
I have recently had to take a break. Just for the reasons that you described. The anxiety was getting to me. Twenty-five years of it...
My daughter has borderline personality disorder. She also over-medicates and the two together is a potent mix.
I liked how you are taking your own feelings into account. If you want to hear her voice, you will call. I hope that you don't get hurt because it really sounds like you are trying to take care of a genuine need.
I just started blogging and reading other blogs. I am glad that I found yours. Good luck to you and your daughter.
xx kris
www.borderlinefamilies.com
We truly have lost our children as we knew them and so we grieve. It is so hard to love someone so much that is just not the person we know they can be and are deep down inside. I am happy you got away and had some fun, and really happy you saw that billboard, it was a God thing for sure;) (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI know so well how you feel. I miss my daughter so much. I have a picture of her and me from 3 years ago on my desk, taken by a stranger on the beach. I have not seen her or heard from her in 2 years. I am sure you know from my blog. You are not alone. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteIt is awful hard sometime to take that life on life's terms.
ReplyDeleteI am going to go to a meeting tonight too...and thank you for your comment. I hate addiction.
ReplyDeleteI miss my daughter.... I think Kristin, above, is on to something.... there is an ever present grief and sense of loss. Yep...
ReplyDeleteHope you had a great meeting!! Hugs and prayers!
As I was going door to door asking people for info for the census, most of them had children at home, and it brought back memories of how happy I was when my son was younger and how much I enjoyed being a mom!
ReplyDeleteAlthough he is doing great now, it's different, which is to be expected. I'll just have to wait (hopefully for quite a few years) to be a grandmother (God willing)!!
Just got to take care of yourself and turn her over. Easier said that done, but I really believe that when we change, the things around us change as well. Well placed billboard, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteI've been unable to attend my 'home' AlAnon meeting for a couple of weeks, and really miss it. However, on Friday, after swimming my laps at our public swimming pool, a car stopped for me to cross the street. The woman driver's car window went down and she said, "How are you doing?" It was one of the women, Barb, in my AlAnon group, whom I've just gotten to know recently. I'm not very religious - but feel I'm spiritual and open to the "idea" of god. After telling Barb about our intervention plan with Hayley and how waiting for it all to happen was so agonizing, Barb said, "When you look at a tree, say, I trust you, God. When you look at the sky, say, I trust you God. Everywhere you loo, say that mantra. It will comfort you." And you know what, it did. I'm trying to do it as much as I can, every day. Keep looking for signs of comfort and support - they are all around us. Peggy
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