b/c obviously I'd rather dwell in my misery.
But first a little more procrastination... the trip to Cincy went great! Everyone asked about Heather and I responded with "She's great. Last year was hard but she's back on track for 2010." I then asked something about them... and that was that!
Okay, the tough part...
While we were in Cincy my husband received an e-mail from Heather... she asked if we would pay for her college.
Back up...
I always told Heather we would pay for her college, "As long as you don't get on drugs and fail out." I felt that since we had the means, that it was important for us to see her through 4 more years of an undergraduate. We paid for tuition, books, rent (water & electric), car, car insurance, car maintenance etc and gave her $150 a week for groceries and fun.
Then the money came for her accident last May - $350,000 ($100,000 from the boy's policy and $250,000 from ours for UM/UIM). She said she couldn't ask for money from us since she had so much. BUT, I felt that money was for future medical expenses, so was still willing to help for the actual college tuition and a few other things.
Since we were no longer paying her expenses and she gave us back the Grand Cherokee she was driving, I felt some other things would be "okay" (like we gave her $ for two tires when she drove over nails with her new car...).
Then the weird behavior...
We had co-signed on her apartment she was living in (as we were paying for it). Little did we know she'd get a dog (when no dogs were allowed) and proceed to let it poop all over the apartment - and not clean it up. Last June we paid a couple thousand dollars to the apartment complex for new carpet etc since Heather wasn't going to (she never quite made sense to me with her arguments as to why she wasn't...). Since we had co-signed, we were left holding the bag (and doing 18 hours of manual labor since Heather didn't see fit to help us move her out/clean up the mess). We said this is the last straw, we were not entangling ourselves with her financially again. We cancelled the credit card we had given her and removed her from our Blockbuster account (which she continually had late fees on). At this point we did not "know" about the drugs...
College - first semester at the University 2009 (Jan - May) we paid for 4 courses - she dropped 3, we never saw any return money. She didn't take any classes in the summer. Fall 2009 she was in 4 classes at the time of the intervention, so I don't know how those ended up, but it seemed as though she moved from Orlando to Tally before the semester was over). First semester 2010 (Jan - May) at the community college in Tally, not sure how she fared with the classes in total, but I know she failed a history class (she insists it was due to the teacher).
Today...
When we got back from the wedding she called me. She asked if we had made a decision. I told her that we would "pay for performance" - when she got her grades at the end of the Summer semester, we would pay her back for any classes she got an A, B or C in.
She was not happy about this... "My whole life you promised to pay for my college education."
"That was if you didn't get on drugs."
"Because I was in a car accident and the doctor's prescribed them to me I got addicted." (She didn't mention that she did drugs before the accident, not Oxy though, or remember how her senior year of high school we paid an attorney $3,500 when the school accused her of taking Xanax so she wouldn't be suspended. [I know, I'm embarrassed.])
Then she said, "What about other things, like rent and living expenses?"
I said I don't think we can do that.
(BESIDES the car & house she went through $200,000 since May 2009. She bought the house for $120,000 and car for $50,000... Out of the $350,000 PLUS a $8,000 tax refund for purchasing the house, and an additional $1,000 a month in rent for 6 months, and was selling stuff on e-bay... and is now down to about $30,000 cash??? And yes, we tried to talk to her about budgeting and no she didn't listen... she didn't listen to anything we said... she wanted to do what she wanted to do...)
And now she's upset b/c we won't just fork over more money to her???
She said she'll save us the money b/c she's not going to take our offer, that she'll do it on her own. I won't continue what was said in this conversation, as it was more of her being upset, then she ended it with, "Take care of yourself." I said, "Wait, you're rejecting your Mom b/c we won't pay for college up front?" She said No, that she just couldn't talk to me anymore right now.
She called back a couple days later and basically told me that I have no faith in her. That she's not doing drugs and is doing good (which is true as far as I can tell), but I don't have faith in her. Therefore she can not see me for a while as it is too hard on her... a reminder of all she lost b/c she did drugs. We had planned to go see Sex & the City 2 together, she said she made plans to go see it with a friend instead. The conversation was REALLY CONFUSING as she told me she loved me and we would have a great relationship sometime... on the other hand saying how I have no faith in her and she can't see me for awhile. Oh, and how she didn't realize my promise of paying for her college was so fickle...
I have been fighting depression about this all week. I've been using God & things I've learned in Al-Anon to get through chunks of time, but then it hits me - sadness.
I guess when it comes down to it, from all I have learned, I DO have faith in her IF SHE has to pay for it up front. I do NOT have faith in her if WE pay for the tuition up front.
My heart aches. I feel guilty for saying no, but feel I did the right thing. I just keep hearing her hurt voice and accusations.
I KNOW we are doing the right thing. I KNOW saying no is hard. I KNOW God is in charge. I KNOW my relationship with her is hard. BUT, that doesn't change that I've been losing the battle all week to stop feeling that this STINKS!!!
This is so confusing to me.
I finally thought maybe if I wrote it all out I'd feel better or have a revelation... okay, I've written it...
It is torture for us all…
4 days ago
Read and Re-Read your blog! You are doing the right thing! Hang in there. You are strong. You will hurt.... but you are doing what is best!
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers!
Don't feel guilty. You did not spend all that money. It was hers to budget. You can't help it if she is so wreckless with it. My daughter was never able to budget anything, and I always helped her out. Boy, was that a mistake. Drugs are expensive. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am so convinced that our girls act nice because they want something. Then when they don't get it, they become hateful. I got tired of the manipulations and put an end to it. You are on the right path. God bless.
ReplyDeletesoemtimes saying no is showing real love. Your daughter may not get it for a few years...but stay strong. If you constantly bail her out....she won't grow healthy
ReplyDeletefirst.
ReplyDeletepaying up front is really stupid for an ex junkie. REALLY STUPID. even in recovery.
have her fill out a fafsa, and get a student loan in HER name to pay the tuition etc. then reimburse or pay off the student loan for her. I would probably pay off the loan, instead of giving her money.
part of the complexity of this generations junkies is that they do not take responsibility for their own actions. I see that in Heather's earlier behavior, reminds me of what we went through. failing a class was NEVER their fault. always somebody else to blame.
I'm glad you called bullshit on her. Giving her money right now, or paying tuition, books etc would be monumentally stupid. If she is now serious about going to college, it won't be hard to get a loan (even with bad credit, she can get a Pell Grant ($5000 a year) and a few other grants which don't have to be paid back, and a Federal Direct Student Loan. The guys at the financial aid office will be very familiar with the process.
Then, when she passes the first semester, you can pay of the loan, and perhaps, if you feel comfortable, add in a little for living expenses each month, a couple hundred. She still HAS money so she isn't homeless or starving after all.
since we were raised to realize that you don't value something you get for free, she isn't going to value anything she doesn't have to struggle or pay for.
You are SO on the right track!!. Don't be depressed. Your decision is probably the best thing you can do for your daughter. Make her grow up!!
as always, just my opinion LOL
Please don't be dpressed. You are doing exactly the right thing. I agree with fractal mom. Let her get a loan/grants. After all, if you didn't have the money she would have to do exactly that. My son has just finished his second year of university and he has done it on his own. And he works hard because it is his money that is being spent. The loans are in his name and he works. No he is not an addict but he appreciates his education in a way that I don't think he would if he didn't have to pay for it.
ReplyDeleteLet her figure this out, then pay the loans if she does well. Just my two cents.
Praying that you will find some peace
Carolyn
I know it feels like poop, but YOU DID SO GOOD! Just my humble opinion, but yes, you did GREAT.
ReplyDeleteWent through the same thing last summer with my daughter. She knows that we value education and that now, since she blew several classes, she has to save the money and get started again. Every class she passes with a C or better, we will reimburse books and tuition. So essentially, she ONLY has to come up with the first class or two, and the first set of books. The reimbursement for each class and books that my daughter gets a C or better will ESSENTIALLY FUND THE NEXT ONE! If she stays focused, she will never have to pay, after that first class. Funding from the previous class reimbursed to her should pay for the next. My daughter is apparently looking forward to doing this when she gets out. Time will tell.
And the thing about valuing what we pay for, that Fractal Mom mentioned.... that is something that one of my daughter's rehab counselors explained to me. He told me that he could afford to treat the kids in his rehab for free (he has some independent wealth going, I think) but he makes them pay a small fee weekly, or they are out.
He said, if we walked into McDonald's every day, and they handed us a meal, we'd really not value it. But since one has to work for the money to hand them in order to receive that meal, the meal has value. We don't toss it in the trash, we eat it.
Not sure why I got off on that tangent! But anyway, I'm praying for you and your dear daughter - and that your heart will be lighter... It's such a weird thing to feel so bad about doing something good for our kids (not being manipulated or holding our boundaries, etc).
Hugs and prayers!
I am a daughter/alcoholic/addict, by the Grace of God in recovery going on 11 months. I think you are doing the right thing with your daughter. We have to be held accountable, we have to take responsibility for our actions. I have $37,000 in student loans and I'm still not finished yet. But this is my problem, not my mother's. My mom was willing to pay for my college at one point too, and then I drank myself stupid and had two children. Now I am married and still broke but although it's hard I know its my problem, my deal- not hers. I pray for you both.
ReplyDeleteFractal mom hit it right. Heather is manipulating you. I know, because my son pulls that on me, still. I told my son that if he got his own student loan, and passed the classes with no less than a "C", I would pay off the loan. I've lost too much money with him dropping out of college, so I've learned. My son blew his entire inheritance on his rehab, relapses, suboxone and methadone. It's all gone. It was staggering for me to ready the money Heather has wasted. I hate to think that my own mother's hard work was wasted away. This hurts like crazy, and I'm so sorry. It's hard to separate saying no to our kids from not loving them. We feel guilty. Remember, that because you love Heather you must say no to her manipulation. Blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the right thing and I am so glad you recognize it. I am wondering one thing...when you go back and read this post can you see how truly manipulative she is being? She knows exactly how to hurt you and push your buttons. Like J she is playing you like a song. It is so hard to love an addict sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI did it differently. I said I would pay for one course at a community college. If that worked out then I would pay for two the next semester and a full load the semester after that.
ReplyDeleteShe did not pass the course. Neither did she withdraw and use the money for drugs. At this point I would still pay for one course just because I think it is good diversion for a mind that needs one.
Good luck. Be careful with those loans. You cosign and you are responsible!
I really agree with Fractalmom and everyone else. Go back and reread what you've written...pretend I wrote it and what would you comment to me? You would say "Heather's really working hard to manipulate you and you need to stay strong." Listen to your own head and your own heart. She is an adult and she has to learn to deal with life; and she will only learn to do so if you stay strong and don't give in. She is counting on wearing you down. And oh by the way, as you well know, staying strong is exactly how you prove how much you love her. It is much easier for all of us to give in than it is to stay strong and say no. You are in my prayers and my thoughts. You truly are doing the right thing. PS...I paid for all of my own college, because I was stupid and dropped out of college when my parents were willing to pay for it so that I could marry my high school boyfriend (that marriage lasted only 4 years). Heather can get a solid education and actually be responsible for it herself and some day she will thank you. It just hurts to wait for the some day. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI learned the hard way... I paid up front for College courses that my Daughter dropped out of without notice to us or the school. I lost all of the money we put down and am STILL paying off the loans we co-signed for. I think saying "no" was the right answer. Good for you!!
ReplyDeleteHang tough. She will figure out a way to go to college if she really wants to. Ok, maybe I am talking to myself here. Trying to hang tough with the tough love myself.
ReplyDeleteYou're not kidding. This is hard.
ReplyDeleteIn the category of sharing my own experience, strength and hope: When I stopped helping my daughter, she found her own solutions. When I consistently said no, she stopped asking for things.
She didn't always react well. But she always came back, because I continued to love her unconditionally. From reading your blog, I know you love your daughter the same way. I know she loves you, too.
My prayers are with you both. Love and big hugs.
I like Anna's strategy of offering to pay for one course. She can use that as an opportunity to regain your faith -- faith is the word she is using, so use her language. I don't think she truly understands the value of a dollar. And that reminds me, it often seems like people who put themselves through school have the best grades!
ReplyDeleteGood to hear about your summer trips. I sure miss you.