Love

I love my daughter so much that sometimes it hurts. I find myself going to Al-Anon meetings and learning to change my behaviors and take care of myself.

I feel like I have made good progress.

It's still hard.

As far as I know Heather is no longer doing Oxy, only pot. Whatever. Our phone conversations are good, she says she misses me. Quite a few times she has said she wants to come visit (we live 6 hours away). Even though this involves her bringing her big boxer dog added to my 2 little nervous dogs resulting in craziness, I get my hopes up. My heart aches to see her, spend time with her.

A topic in a meeting a couple days ago was broken promises. I've learned with Heather she doesn't always follow through as I would "expect", even when I try not to have "expectations" somehow "hope" sneaks in, not sure where the line is between hope & expectations.

Our phone calls are great, but as I am not asking any questions or prying into her life, it can feel like I am pretending - pretending everything is okay. When we spoke on Sunday she told me she is failing a class. Some kind of History class. She says she studied as much as she could and has failed 3 out of 4 exams (hasn't had the 4th). I wanted to say, "Math or Chemistry I understand failing, sometimes you just don't get it. In this case obviously you didn't study enough - it's memorization - that means more time studying and you can pass - when you're getting high you can be fooled into thinking you've studied enough." What I actually said was, "Oh, that stinks."

I'm learning that my expectations are just that MY expectations. I do not know what God's plan is for her, or the route she has to take to get there. It's none of my business if she fails the class, nor should I spend my time obsessing over it, I need to take care of my own life and not pass judgement on her. I need to know that she is my daughter whom I love dearly, but also that she is her own person, responsible for her own actions.

In a book I am reading it says, "We cannot make choices for other people, even those most important to us. We are not gods, and we can't truly know what is best for anyone else, no matter how obvious a particular course of action may seem to us at the time."

What I need to know is I love her and love does not mean controlling her or making her conform to my ideas. I can love her exactly where she is and for who she is.

(Oh, the book referenced above is, "How Al-Anon Works, for Families & Friends of Alcoholics". This book is sooooo great, it has so many pearls of wisdom and explanations that make sense. The cover and title do not do justice to ALL the information contained inside! It has tons! I highly recommend this book!)