Don't dial for pain

A woman at one of my Al-Anon meetings mentions this quite often. Basically I did this through 2009. I'd call Heather, she wouldn't answer and I'd start worrying, then she wouldn't call back, I'd get mad she wasn't calling me back, or worry something had happened. Or she'd answer and couldn't talk, or be snippy, bored, condescending, or even outright mean. This was in the middle of the Oxy use.

Once we re-connected late January 2010, I have left it that she calls me. I don't call her. It has worked for me. Our conversations have been good, she has been good, but she has been calling me when it is a good time for her. I WORRY that if I call her, she won't answer (causing me to worry), won't call back (causing me to worry), I may catch her when she is with friends and can't talk (which leaves me feeling anxious), I may call in the middle of her getting high or after she has done so and maybe I'll be able to tell she's "under the influence" (causing me to worry). By not calling her I don't have to WORRY.

BUT, as I have learned with detachment, to separate the disease from the person, and to treat the person with love & respect. Well, she's my daughter, and I love her, and things have been going well between us. I got to thinking maybe it would show her love for me to call her on occasion. I couldn't decide what to do so I did nothing.

THEN, on Monday in a phone call she said, "Mom, you can call me. It makes me sad that no one calls me."

So I'm thinking I will call her on occasion - when I want to call her. I won't call her b/c I feel I have to call her, or to nosy in her business, but I'll call her when it's to satisfy a need for me. Just to tell my daughter I love her.

I'm nervous that I might "dial for pain", but at this point I am willing to give it a try.

I am driving back down South where we used to live to visit some friends tomorrow for a long weekend. I plan to make my first call to her and give it a try during the ride down.