No one ever told me I would need a master's degree in psychology to talk to my daughter...
Last night I was in the middle of reading Barbara's post (at Recovery Happens) about the NAMI classes when Heather called...
(Actually I was going over her NAMI link checking my state and my parent's state for classes... of the list of mental illnesses provided - schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder [manic depression], panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, and co-occurring brain disorders and addictive disorders - Heather has ALL of those in her immediate background between individual members of my family and her father's family - including myself and her father.)
We spoke for 2 hours. It went well for the first hour... then I got swallowed into the bottomless pit and couldn't figure out how to get out. I'm not going to name names since her grandparents read this blog... but she started talking about how growing up no one "listened to her". How one member of the family made her walk with blisters on her feet and left her for kidnappers in a van to try to abduct her - she hid to escape them. How another member watched her rollerblade into a truck and get seriously injured and didn't seem to notice. How "we" always brushed things aside when she complained about teachers etc.
She talked in a lot of "psychological" terms and for the most part I had no idea what she was talking about :( I tried so hard to understand what she was saying as she talked about - geez - I don't even know what the "big words" she used meant - but picture a philosopher talking about existentialism is the closest I can come to describing how she was talking... and I have my bachelor's degree and more letters after my name than my name itself from continuing education AFTER college! It was like the frustration you feel when you put together one of those kid's toys with "assembly required" :) LOL I did catch the reference when she was talking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs...
She said how she's not sure about her relationship with certain family members and that IF they LISTEN to her, she will REWARD them little by little by letting them back in her life... or something to that effect, but she did use the words "reward them". Huh??????
So basically, Heather is telling all this stuff that family members did wrong in her life (including me) in terms that I have no idea what she is saying except that we did something wrong... I THINK I gathered that she felt she wasn't hugged enough... and that she felt certain family members didn't "listen" to her (hear what she was saying).
I was so out of my league... and I couldn't figure out how to get off the phone when she was telling me this stuff b/c I felt it would only reinforce her feeling that no one listened to how she felt. I was trapped b/c of my own shortcomings.
I pointed her to NA and said they could really help her work through her past... my gosh, I don't know what else to write other than I felt like I was drowning. I love her so much... if I had known all this stuff was happening, I would have stepped in (kidnappers!!!??? what!!!???). I'm not going to make excuses for the past 20 years, but I will admit for the first 10 years of her life I was growing up and struggling myself, so the family (on both sides) really pitched in with Heather.
I hung up the phone and said out loud, "Well THAT was painful."
Maybe it was stupid and impulsive, but I sent her this email around midnight last night (needless to say, I never finished reading Barbara's blog or any of the other blogs I would usually read...):
*******
Hey :)
I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries, but I just wondered if they had NA Meetings in Tallahassee so I typed it in Google and this one came up - I'm not telling you to go or no go, and I'm not asking you to. This is just in case you felt you needed it.
Our conversation got intense and I want to try to do my part (figuring it out!) along with you. But I think some of the issues are going to be bigger than you and I can figure out together, this is where NA might help you find some answers.
http://www.drugstrategies.org/NA-Meetings/Florida/Tallahassee/FSU-Wesley-Center-3788
I'm only sending this to you b/c I know how you were feeling tonight thinking about the past, and once I saw it I thought knowing there's a meeting tomorrow night might give you some hope.
Here's a BIG BEAR (((((((((HUG)))))))))) from your Mom.
Heather, I love you always! Mom
*******
She didn't respond.
I feel so pitiful. After praying for my "blog families" before I went to bed, I started reciting the Serenity Prayer... spent this morning doing the same...
But now, as I'm sick with a cold (got it a couple days ago), and the day is drawing to an end, and I am exhausted, I am feeling despair.
I have written so much stuff on this blog, I don't know why this one was so hard for me to write, like I wanted to keep it secret, like I wanted to protect Heather from putting her feelings out there and protect our family from confessing our faults... I almost didn't write this post, but somehow I just had to get it out.
Update an hour after writing above:
Rollercoaster... yeah yeah yeah.... Rollercoaster...
She wrote back to my NA email (just an fyi, she sent this 3 hours after the NA meeting would have started):
*******
Thank you mommy! I am sorry for that conversation I wish I would have been able to control my emotions because the past is over and we are both evolved people so I do not need to be so scared of the past re-occuring. I will go to the thing, thanks for looking it up for me :) I am sorry if I stressed you out! Ill talk to you soon so you don't need to reply but I love you so much!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
*******
Rollercoaster... yeah yeah yeah.... Rollercoaster...
It is torture for us all…
4 days ago
Wow.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you are NOT pitiful, you are human and you love your daughter and her life and her issues (whatever they may be) are out of most league's. Not many parents have a psychology degree, but it would come in handy!
I think this comment would be better as an email cause it may get long...You are a good mother doing your best in a difficult situation that has no simple answers.
I have been offline for a bit, just catching up. First off, we all have made parenting mistakes, have regrets, wish we would have stepped in when we didn't, listened more, blah, blah...we are human and there is no proof that if we could change it all that any different outcome would have happened. It is Heather's path in life to be where she is at this moment, and it is your path in life to be where you are also. When I really thought about it, how God has a plan for each of us that we don't really understand, but it is a perfect plan, it became a little easier to let go some. You are not pitiful, you are a loving, kind mother who is in an impossible situation with her addicted daughter. My son has had those moments with me, where he just goes on and on about whatever he feels like laying out there and it becomes very intense, nothing to do but listen and bite my tongue off. We have all been there, give yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself. Try and soothe yourself like you would a friend. What would you do for a friend if they came to you with this problem? How would you try and assist, what advice would you give them? Do that for yourself tomorrow. I am thinking of you and Heather tonight and I just said a prayer:) God Bless you! (ps...I would have sent you an email to save this long winded comment but I don't have your email address). Renee
ReplyDeleteI think it's good that Heather felt safe enough to talk about her feelings with you. I have the opposite issue - my son doesn't talk much about his feelings or the past. We all have had "bad things" happen to us in the past, some worse than others, but we have a choice to learn and grow from these "things".
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you shared this with us, because we're not here to judge, just to support. We have all made mistakes - we have to show compassion for ourselves - like we do for others. I have been struggling with this also.
Heather sounds like a very smart, sensitive, and loving person - just like our "addict" children. I am praying for you and Heather daily!
Gosh, Heather sounds just like my daughter when we still had a relationship. Dumping on mom, because I would listen. They are not happy with what they are doing themselves, so they look for scapegoats (nothing is ever their fault) until they realize that they have hurts us and may need us in the future. So they apologize. They sure know how to pull our strings! I quote from a comment on my blog "when they use drugs, they also use people, family, our emotions, etc." Amen to that. But only if we allow it! Take care of yourself. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteWow. Such a moving post. I can relate so well to all you wrote. Learning to get off the roller coaster was very hard for me. But my life feels much better here on terra firma.
ReplyDeleteWe all want the best for our kids, and we're heartbroken to find out we were not perfect. Through the lens of recovery, I can see the part I played in my daughter's life. But I did the very best I knew how. We all do.
All I can do today is take the next right step and leave the rest to God. So that's what I try to do, one day at a time.
Heather is lucky to have such a loving, caring mom. One day she'll see this. Meanwhile, be gentle with yourself. Big hugs to you, my dear friend.