Where things stand...

Fear is a powerful force that constantly invades my mind in relations to what I'm doing (or not doing) with Heather. I pray about what to do daily/constantly. Trying to follow what God wants me to do, the problem is, God doesn't just write me a letter. Since the end of October last year I've had some clear messages from Him. I knew I was to stand back and let Him work, and praise Him.

I hadn't had a message in a couple weeks. I WANTED to call Heather, BUT, I didn't feel like it was the right thing to do, I didn't felt as though that's what God was telling me to do. I felt like God was telling me to Trust Him, but I WANTED to call her. After more careful prayer, I still felt like I shouldn't call. BUT, I thought, I'll call my Mom (weakest link, but also a prayer warrior) and SHE said, she doesn't think God wants me to call her just yet. Okay. So, I asked my husband, he said "no". Okay. So I prayed more to God, "I know I don't deserve it, so I'm not really going to ask, and I want you to feel I am trusting you, but I just wish, if you could, I'd love another message, but I'm not going to ask, you've given me so many, and even though it's been weeks since the last one, I need to trust You." (or something pitiful to that effect).

Still feeling like I wasn't supposed to call, but wanting to anyway. And having Cheri & Wayne's posting going through my mind (click here for Are You Running From God parts 1&2), I want to go 550 miles not 2500 + the 550. I know Heather knows I love her, how could she not??? But FEAR kept sneaking in. After exhausting God, my Mom and my husband, I thought, let me call the intervention specialist, see what he thinks. Feeling like I was doing something sneaky to God I told myself, call once, if he's not available don't leave a message and don't call back. He answered!

He said it would probably be okay if I called, and that if I felt I could handle whatever she might say to me (as I heard at an Al-Anon meeting one woman said, she no longer "makes calls for pain"). We talked a bit, me still not feeling like I should call her, but hoping he would say JUST DO IT, but then another call came in and he had to call me back. While I waited, I prayed that God give him wisdom. He called back and said, "You know what? Why don't I have the addiction counselor at the treatment center call her? She can also tell Heather how her family loves her and that they are planning to pay for the treatment when she's ready." (Since one of the things I've been worried about is that Heather doesn't know that we are going to pay for the treatment.) I felt good with this decision, like I'm still doing what I feel God wants, but at the same time I get to send her a message. (Yes, I've already humbled myself with God for my sneakiness and for trying to go around Him. Yes, I am ashamed. But He is a loving God, and He knows me.)

The intervention specialist calls back 45 minutes later... as it turned out HE decided to call Heather himself! He said something to the effect of, "Hi Heather I'm xx an addiction counselor. Your family loves you very much and has this gift for you..." not sure how much he got out, but he said it was like the floodgates opened that she had someone to tell "her side of the story" to. He said that she told him she wasn't using drugs, that she had PTSD from the accident, that she wanted nothing to do with any of her family, that she was going on with her life... etc. She talked nonstop, agitatedly for 15 minutes. He said he was positive she was still using, and probably during that phone call even. Of course I said, you mean pot or oxycontin? He said oxycontin or the like, not pot. This man was a heroin addict 10+ years and has been working helping addicts the past 10+ years. I would think he would be able to tell.

I can't keep going into denial.

A couple weeks ago I heard from my step-daughter that Heather had an alarm system installed in her car... this is 6 months AFTER she purchased it. Okay, my husband and I each have Mercedes, I have friends with Lexus's, Corvettes, etc - none of us have gone and had an elaborate security system installed! Because we're not hanging out with people who might want to steal it, harm it, and we're not paranoid. It's just a car! But she paid for a fancy alarm system??? This should be a clue.
I looked her up on Facebook the other day (she unfriended me, but you can still see the profile picture). Usually this is the best picture of you... it always has been for her in the past. This time, you can see her clavicle bones sticking out, she doesn't appear to have on any makeup or have brushed her hair. This should be a clue.
She's disowned her family rather than having a simple discussion with any of us about treatment. This should be a clue.

I've got to get out of denial, stop yielding to fear, and trust God.

God gave my mother a message yesterday for both of us. OVER A YEAR ago she had loaned some books and tapes to a man. He never returned them. And she couldn't let them go. She'd every so often think about them, want them, get irritated he didn't return them etc. She said finally, about a week ago, she let them go. She said, "God, they're yours I'm going to give them to you and quit worrying!" Yesterday afternoon her doorbell rang. There was the man with the books!!!

I'm glad I didn't call her. It would have been ugly. So I went a little out of control for a couple days. But today I am in peace and trying again to trust God.

Trying to keep my sanity.

note on money: Heather has a lot of it, including a paid-off house in Orlando valued on Zillow.com for $187,500 that she chose to leave behind and go rent an apartment on the other side of the state... :(