It's been since mid-November since I've had any contact with Heather, and last week when she talked to her grandparents. I just go back and forth with, "What do I do?" "What should I do?" "Does she know I love her?" "What am I supposed to do?"
In previous comments it's been said things to the effect that I need to make my own decisions (paraphrasing). That's the problem, I think I've gone through life doing what I THINK I SHOULD be doing. And for someone who for 10 years had to make decisions all day long at her job, in my personal life I can't seem to make decisions. I survey everyone I can think of, then come up with the best possible answer from those I have surveyed... I think. lol
Everyday I want to call or email Heather. I figure I'll call and say, "Don't change your phone number b/c I called. I won't keep bugging you. I just want you to know I love you."
Both Grandmas want to call her up and give her "educational material"... like, "The pain in your back would go away of you stopped using the drugs." "THC stays in your system for 30 days." I don't know what else, but each of them have expressed concern that, "If she only KNEW what the drugs did."
I think I can call her and have a reasonable/rational discussion about seeking help.
The problem is, no matter how I think about it, it doesn't end well. Nothing is better, nothing is accomplished. My thought process ends with, "And then what???
If she was "okay" and not using drugs, wouldn't she call me? Wouldn't we not be in this place?
Then I wonder, what harm would it do if I called her? I know it may cause ME pain to call her, but IF it won't cause HER any pain, or cause her to use more, what harm would there be?
My ultimate goal is to have her stop using drugs - all drugs. I know how much easier life is without using them. And this is where it gets tricky as I take it on as MINE, and really it's about HER. Arrgh...
So I wonder: am I "not doing anything"/"trusting God" because I made the decision that that is the best thing to do? Or am I not doing anything b/c I can't make a decision? Or is there no decision to make?
All I want is to do THE BEST thing for Heather.
Since I can't figure out anything that would have a better outcome, for now (I know, I know), but for now I'll keep on trusting God, that God is doing a work in her... I'll keep trusting God as long as I can and praying daily. Surely God can help her better than I can!
But maybe I can talk to her and tell her I love her WHILE God is helping her???
Oh, I forgot, she's the one who's not talking to me...
ARRGH!!!
Patience is a virtue I've never had...
What a mess.
It is torture for us all…
4 days ago
I know your predicament and I feel for you. You write that YOUR goal for her is to stop using drugs. The problem is, it has to be her goal for herself. We as mothers are totally ineffective setting goals for our adult daughters, yet we think that is what we are supposed to do. Did we not do this for them since they were born? It makes us feel totally inadequate not to be able to do anything to get our kids to understand that they are self destructing. We are used to be in charge. My counselor told me a long time agao, that the reason for not being able to commuicate with my daughter is that she does not think rationally, whereas I do. Therefore we cannot communicate. I tell her that the drugs she is using are destroying her health. Well, that is not what she is concerned with, only how to get more. I know how frustrating it is. I had to let go of my girl, just to keep my own sanity. It's been almost two years and it does not get easier. I miss her terribly at times.
ReplyDeleteGod bless,
Helga
You mention that you want to the best thing for Heather and I understand that more than you could know, BUT, we have to the best thing for ourselves and Heather has to do the best thing for her when she is ready. I have been going through this with my son for at least 6 years now and I turned a corner about six months ago or so. I now have started trusting my own thoughts and opinions about things which I NEVER could do. And if you don't know what to do, do nothing. It is better to do nothing when unsure, than to react and make your own recovery take a back seat. I know you miss her and you will learn to trust yourself and your decisions. (((HUGS))) Renee
ReplyDeleteThe comments above said it all..and very well.
ReplyDeleteI'll add one thing.
ReplyDeleteIf you miss her and love her then call.
but don't call to lecture her, don't call to discuss treatment, don't call to beg, don't call to do anything at all other than to say
I love you and miss you.
Also, of course, don't get sucked in. don't give money. don't give advice even if asked for (at first). just give love.
DO NOT DISCUSS DRUGS OR LIFESTYLE
I understand how hard it is to "let go and let God." I have a daughter with similar problems. You and I are fellow travelers. I do call my daughter, but just to listen if she wants to talk, and to let her know I love her. I'm glad I found your blog.
ReplyDeleteI read your anguish and I thought, what would I do? After I come to a decision of how I would handle it It read the comments.
ReplyDeleteFractalmom said EXACTLY what I was going to say.
One thing to never forget, Heather is your baby no matter how screwed up she can get. We can get advice, pay for counseling, pray, attend meetings and anything else you can think of but ultimately even though Heather puts the drugs between you and her you do not have to accept that position. The drugs do not make her incapable of feeling love. The drugs just make her love the the drug more than anyone or anything else, and that just doesn't leave room for many others.
I do not understand the harm in talking to her. You can always stop when she tries to get money from you which she will.
ReplyDeleteYou can detach with love. You can write a letter saying that you love her and miss her. I think it is ok to say that you are willing to support her recovery if you are.
It seems to me at this point that the total no contact rule is best reserved for when the addict is a true danger to you. This can and does happen. Maybe you are already there and can not emotionally stand a relationship with her. In that case it is ok to protect yourself. I have done that with my daughter..... I said, I really do not want to abandon you but I am totally exhausted, totally sick and almost at the point of loosing my sanity so I need a break from your addiction. I love you but the addiction has worn me out.
It sounds to me like you might have already taken your break and now are experiencing the desire to reconnect in a different way.
Other than that, I agree with fractal mom and dad and mom.
Bear in mind that this advice comes from someone whose loved one addict frequently goes to treatment but has never gotten 2 months clean.
I have seen many people get clean after one 30 day session. One of the parents threatened to never talk to the son again if he would not go to treatment but the rest of them did not make these threats.
My alanon group emphasizes that she is not an addict because of anything I do or say.
I'm a lot like you as far as decisions concerning my child and needing to bounce things off of other people. That's why I feel like I need to talk to a professional.
ReplyDeleteYou expressed so well what we all, parents of addicts, feel. Please know that I, too, share all your concerns, yearnings, fears, and hopes. It's quite a club, isn't it? Just know that you're not alone. One suggestion I have, is to text your daughter. I had never texted before my daughter texted me from the crack house. She wanted to stay in touch, but a phone call was just too scary for her. Texting,though it seems impersonal, is safer in some ways. Text her that you love her and miss her. Also - fyi - I've disguised the true names of my family in my blog to protect their anonymity - but you and I both have the same daughters, if you know what I mean. Thinking of you - and I always appreciate and value your comments on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to stop by to welcome you to my blog. It's so nice to have company on the journey.
ReplyDeleteI can say nothing more to all the comments here, except that the advice is good. It hurts, I know. You miss her so much. Patience is a dangerous prayer to ask God to give us. Sometimes God puts us in situations where we must learn it for ourselves. Just know, I care and I feel your pain.
ReplyDeletexoxo
I would call her and tell her I love her and let the conversation go from there but avoid bringing up the drugs...just ask how she is and remind her you love her. That's what I would do. You've gone two months with no contact....that would be so hard for any mom. Just my two cents.
ReplyDelete