Things have been going well (enough) my daughter has called a few more times, I am so happy to have her "back in my life" even though it is just over the phone. The conversations have all been kept light... with the exception of one call.
I didn't know how to handle.
Last Thursday Heather called. She was having immense pain in her right hip, "like a muscle knot moving through the hip." (or something close to that wording) She said she'd been in bed the last 2 days in pain b/c of it. She had a chiropractor appointment in 45 minutes, a friend was going to drive her but just called and canceled. So, she was going to "have to drive [herself] with the hip."
I just calmly said, "I don't know what to tell you." Basically leaving no room for further discussion, but my tone was sympathetic. I did not do what I would have done in the past - I did not offer solutions, did not offer to make doctors appointments. But this is a "loophole" in dealing with Heather. IF these pains are real, she needs to get medical attention. IF they're being caused by the effects of drugs (past or present) they should be resolved whenever she decides to get help.
The LEFT hip is the one that was injured in the accident, the RIGHT hip is the one she was complaining about last week. She does have some "real" issues with her back that a chiropractor can help. But she talks of muscle spasms in her shoulders, hearing her bones grind together, that her bones are degenerating.
I don't KNOW if she is still smoking oxy or not (she says she hasn't in months, that she only smokes pot now "every other day"). But I have read that severe muscle and joint pain is a side effect of using OxyContin. I can't help but wonder if this is what is causing a "healthy" 19 year old to be in unbearable pain??? OR, does she have a serious random odd medical condition???
My plan the next time I talk to her - when she brings up whatever random odd pain she is dealing with - to say, "Either this is a side effect of using drugs and you need to discuss it with an addiction counselor, OR, I recommend you go to the ER where they can scan your body and find out what's causing the pain."
I don't have anything else to say on this, it's just a conundrum, I can't help but think of these as "phantom pains", or all coming from her head, or maybe this is what severe hypochondria is like, and then I feel guilty for not believing these are really "real"...
It is torture for us all…
4 days ago
I don't know what to think about her pains...but there are some conditions that cause severe pain for no apparent reason, I have fibromyalgia and its very painful and I HOPE she doesn't have anything like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad she's calling you. Let's hope she's not using and that the pain has a "solution".
It's great that you two are talking. There's no right or wrong answer here. Have you talked this over with your Al-Anon sponsor? That's what I usually do when I don't know what to do. Or I call a program friend.
ReplyDeleteWhen my daughter came to visit, she complained of a medical issue. After talking with my sponsor, I drove her to the emergency room, where I knew she would be treated (she had no insurance). My sponsor told me it was reasonable to give her a ride because she was staying with me, but that I shouldn't feel I had to wait there or pay for it. They could bill her. I dropped my daughter off and she called me when she was finished. It worked out very well for both of us. But I don't really know enough about your situation.
Oh, the other thing I do when I don't know what else to do is pray. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
First off I am very sorry for what you are going thru. I need you to know that Phantom Pain is not all in someones head. I have my blog titled phantom pain. Here is something I pasted form it. My pics of what happened are so graphic, my phantom pain has consumed 14 years of my life and yes it's in the head because all pain originates in the brain but it's real and it's torture.
ReplyDeleteHi,First Off I have been married to a wonderful man for 18 years who has been so supportive.I pray things get better for me so he and I can have a life together again.My history is so involved but this will be brief.I am an above knee amputee(AKA) and have excruciating Phantom Limb Pain (PLP).68 operations,23 broken bones,1400 plus days in the hospital.500 x-rays.2 Catastrophic accidents.Couldn't have children due to the accidents. have researched phantom limb pain (PLP)over 1000 hours, spent 3000 in medical books, yeah, guess i would do that if it was all in my head like you say above in your post. Hope you don't really think it's imaginable because if you do then you need to get educated. .Above knee Amputation (AKA) was in 1996 and I have been in the worst pain imaginable to me for 13 years.Way worse than any pain I ever had in the burn unit with a leg. I also can't rub it which makes it worse. Having one leg is a piece of cake compared to the burning,gnawing,feels like a vice with razors is enclosing on my phantom foot. I have been on opiates for 13 years also. Three days after my AKA my life changed in a way i could never imagine. i was talked into the AKA by the best doctors at U of MI hospital, read everything there was I'm Getting ready for a Spinal Cord Stimulator-that fails and then possibly a pain pump,I am so burned out and just want a break. I do feel good about my meds now.The pain and looking for relief has consumed my life.
The sad thing is that some drugs start this devastating cycle. Pain, drugs, drugs, more drugs, addicted to drugs, now - great pain. You just never know what the best response is.
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is tell her to seek medical help, go to the doctor and be honest. Legit doctors can help or refer her to to help.
ReplyDeleteNot all of them are just about prescribing more pain meds.
Hopefully if she is ready she will hear you and listen.
I don't think there is any way to know over the phone. My son had an addicted gf who was always complaining about unusual pains. I felt at the time she was seeking attention and drugs, and I was right. However, I'm not guessing about this situation, there are not enough facts.
ReplyDeleteShe can go to a doctor. I would mention it once, then drop it.
Reading the above comments, I feel the need to clarify my use of wording in the post. When I said "in her head", I was referring to either severe hypochondria (which I feel is a legitimate condition) OR that the pains were as a result of the drugs (such as when drugs make you paranoid OR oxy withdrawal pain).
ReplyDeleteIf the pains are a result of the drugs, they will go away once she stops smoking oxy, or pot... they are the SAME ISSUE as the drug use. Versus a condition that is separate from the drug use and has to be dealt with separately.
In no way did I mean to diminish the very real and debilitating effects of such conditions as hyperalgesia, fibromyalgia, complex regional pain syndrome and other very real chronic pain conditions.
I truly appreciate all the comments as I navigate my way through this new territory. Your experience, advice, help and encouragement is soooo appreciated!
My son has terrible muscle spasms and I did take him to a specialist when he was younger, and he had tests ran and was simply diagnosed as having muscle spasms. But, I do know that the cylce of using oxy, well, the pain gets better, then worse and worse and worse, as the tolerence level gets shot. My son is so used to using pain pills to numb his mental pain that it also numbs the physical. When he doesn't have his usual dosage, he has all kinds of pain and it sticks around. She should be seen by a doctor and be honest, and I agree with Lou, mention it only once and let it go. Blessings...Renee
ReplyDeleteI've been working on finishing my book, so I've not been around as much as I want to be... only so much of a person to go around in a day. I've gone back and read several posts and see that Heather has resumed some communication, and I'm excited for you in that. I am also praying that God will show you how to deal with these pains that she is experiencing. It is so hard to know what to do sometimes, and so hard to hear His still, small voice.
ReplyDeletePraying,
Cheri
You can't tell, over the phone, whether this pain is drug-caused, withdrawal type pains or if it is caused by some illness/injury that we would refer to as "legitimate." Only a doctor can help her and only if Heather is honest with a doctor. Like everything else, she has to take responsibility for what she wants to do and then do it. If she is only going to complain about how she feels, then she is not ready to work on the fix...just like addiction...she has to be ready and want it. You can continue to love, be sympathetic as appropriate and release her to deal with her issues. You continue to show so much strength and so much growth in your own health during this process. I continue to keep you and Heather in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAgggghhhhh - this is what is so difficult as the mother of a drug addict. We never know what is real. The addict seems to always have a variety of pains and maladies that need some kind of attention or treatment. It becomes part of their personna. David Sheff, author of the book, beautiful boy, says: "with practice, addicts become flawlessly gifted liars, and this coincides with parents'increasing susceptibility to their lies." I would be suspicious, privately, but still show empathy. Put it back on Heather and ask, "What are you going to do about this pain"?
ReplyDelete