She called her grandparents last night...

FIRST: I want to wish all the families of the blogs I read, parents, sons, and daughters, hope for the new year. I pray we all have success however we define it, whatever our needs, in 2010.
*******

Heather called her grandparents (my ex-husband's parents - her dad's parents) last night. Not sure what to make of it, since "grandpa" said when the call was over he still wasn't sure why she had called - but I am soooo glad SOMEONE in the family heard from her. Her grandpa answered the phone so that is who she talked to. He didn't ask any questions, just let her lead the conversation. So we don't know "where" she is but she told him she was ok.

She said she hadn't done Oxycontin in a couple months. I soooo hope that is true :)

She said she is working to get her life back together on her own. He asked if she had decided to get help, and that "this" was bigger than him or her, and that she needed outside help. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted to do about that yet.

He said she was humble in their conversation, and he thinks she felt ashamed by what she had done (I don't think she said that, but that was what he surmised from her demeanor). She said she wasn't ready to talk to the rest of the family yet. He said he tried to get as much as he could of what she said but his hearing isn't the best and she talks fast (I can attest to how hard it is to understand her on the phone, she has a Blackberry and doesn't exactly speak directly into it so it's hard to understand her.)

Someone came over on her end so she said she had to go, but she did tell him she loved him and grandma.

I think this is positive. I miss her soooo much!!!

Hodge-podge of thoughts today

I am just putting this link here for my own good - something I found so "on the spot" awhile ago, and I am tired of having to find it again. Sometimes it is nice to know your experiences aren't unique. In doing so you can look to others who truly do understand what you're going through for inspiration and hope.
This is one of those posts from Madison at Fight for Your Life. It is her post No King's Horses from December 12, 2009. I didn't even comment to her, maybe I was busy when I read it, but it has stuck with me and I have gone back and read it a couple more times. For lack of better summary - it's like 9 stages of experience.
I won't say anymore, b/c it's better of you read it yourself if you haven't, but I needed to make a record for myself.
(Thanks Madison!)

Oddly enough (ha!) I feel like I have been handling things really well lately. That being said, I'm still in my pajamas and haven't brushed my teeth yet today (I know, yuck, TMI). BUT, I just KNOW I am doing a much better job of turning things over to God. The sermon at church on Sunday talked about trials and temptations (Focusing on James Chapter 1). Basically, we go through trials and they help mold us. Temptations we often think of being tempted by chocolate cake, stealing, adultery - the obvious things. But, our pastor pointed out - when we go through trials - the temptation is there for depression. We should praise God through our trials, knowing that He has things under control. I am so bad with explaining things, I should have brought a tape recorder to get his words/explanation down. But it made so much sense to me. God is in control of Heather, she is His daughter. I need to be wary of the temptation of depression. Our pastor said something like, that depression will conceive... It is so easy for me to fall into depression. Even today as I woke up - experiencing depression before I even opened my eyes, (evidenced by the lack of hygiene today!), I've tried to salvage it and fight it and not let it take me... I do feel like I have succeeded today.

That being said (here's where my struggle is evident!)... lately I have really been struggling with this... if Heather has feelings of rejection from her life... real, big, long-term, serious, factual rejection issues, our not reaching out to her now... is that only going to perpetuate the feelings of rejection, make them even worse???

And THAT being said... every time I think about contacting her, reaching out to her, I follow the thought through to the conclusion, and I know I can't. It won't do any good, it won't help her. It will end in her putting me right back in the place she has kept me in this past year: bowing down to the smallest morsel of attention she gives me, allowing her to treat me any way she wants, all the while her continuing to do the drugs - PLUS - she will add in the additional making me/us feel guilty for trying the intervention, resulting in more bad treatment from her and more me/us kissing her butt. BUT, now what I know, I can not go back to accepting that kind of behavior and me doing the resulting behaviors - just like it ended up 2 weeks ago when my Mom sent her an email saying she loved her and Heather wrote back something to the effect that if my mom emails her again she'd change the email address and that we have ugly hearts. She's just not at a place where she can "see".

I have to remember that this is a 2way street - and in actuality -it is not me/us who have stopped talking to her - it is her who stopped talking to us, "ditched us". The reason we're not talking to her right now is b/c the communication we had with her, she didn't like that WE changed our behavior and didn't crawl to her on our knees to do whatever she asked of us or believe everything she said, so she got rid of us - probably as a way to punish us. B/c there is nothing any of us want more in this world than her in our life. She has the ULTIMATE bargaining chip.

I pray some day I will have my daughter back, and that she will know how much I love her. I have read some very inspiring blogs where just that happens. I am so inspired by blog friend's and real life friend's kids who are in treatment or working on sobriety at home and on good terms with their parents. I heard something that I want soooooo bad for Heather when LisaC wrote today that her son B asked for a Bible!!! http://lisac-lovingandparentinganaddict.blogspot.com/2009/12/reaching-out-to-god.html
It gave me so much hope!!!

And this long post is where my head is at today.

What I got for Christmas

I've been going to Al-Anon meetings for over a month now (maybe 2 months???). I want to start "working the steps" the first of the year and knew I would need to find a sponsor. So each meeting I've been thinking about this and thinking who would be the best sponsor. Well there was one woman who was perfect.

She knows about living with alcoholism in a loved one as both a spouse and a mother.

In meetings she doesn't say a lot, but when she does speak it is always something so wise and enlightening. She is also a testament to how working the steps can change your life, as she has truly changed her behaviors for the better. She is very nice and always has a welcoming hug for anyone needing one. She seems to have deep understanding of who she is as a person and what she needs to do. She is very inspiring and full of wisdom.

Also, she doesn't seem to be a "push-over". Even though a close friend recently told me I'm the least manipulative person she knows, to the point of NONE. I believe I can be very manipulative! (To that my friend said, "so you think!") But anyway, I wanted someone I couldn't manipulate to my way of thinking. And I believe this woman would see through any of my magnificent manipulating skills :)

I didn't know if she was sponsoring anybody else or if she even had time or wanted to be a sponsor. But I got my mind made up that she is who I really wanted to be my sponsor (and I didn't have a second choice).

So I went to a meeting yesterday (on Christmas). I planned to ask her after the meeting; I was so nervous she'd say no. I tried not to think about it during the meeting b/c I didn't want to miss anything said during the meeting.

After the meeting (stuttering around a bit) I asked her... and she said YES :)

Anyway, I am very excited to have such a good example of success to guide me through the steps. Although I am very nervous (and kinda scared even) to actually start doing them, but I have to get over that as the first of the year is now less than a week away!

You won't believe...

Last night I went to an Al-Anon meeting. There were 2 new people who looked to be about 20ish, a guy and a girl. Obviously I didn't know what circumstances had brought them there. I had never spoken out loud at this particular meeting before, but I did say something last night and in it I mentioned about my 19 year old daughter smoking oxycontin.

When I left the meeting, the guy and girl were outside specifically waiting for me (I'll call them Colby and Amy). Basically, after years of addiction, they had just gotten off oxycontin 2 weeks ago themselves. They were attending any and all support meetings they could find, that's why they were at Al-Anon. They waited for me to offer their support. We ended up talking outside for 40 minutes. It was like I was talking to Heather and her boyfriend (Amy even looked like Heather), but getting to ask everything I wanted to know, and getting honest replies. They said some interesting things that have comforted me today in knowing that we are doing the right thing.

The "biggies" were:
• I asked them each (probably 6 times total), "Does she know I/we love her?" and they both responded each time YES she knows.
• I said I wanted to go find her and grab on to her and tell her how much I love her. They both said don't do that. I said my mom wants to send her cookies. They both said, no, don't do that. Then Colby said, you want to know what you have to do, YOU NEED TO IGNORE HER.

Let me pause here for this to sink in... YOU NEED TO IGNORE HER. That's verbatim what he said.

They both showed me the backs of their hands where you could see all the pin-pricks from shooting the oxycontin into their hands. They were clean b/c she got in trouble with the law somehow and if she got caught again she would go to prison. Colby stole from his mom and her parents and together they decided no more. BUT, no matter how much I told them to be proud, they both made it very clear to me: It's been 2 weeks. They said all they could be proud of was that they took the first step, and they were going to do everything they could to keep on. But you could see in their eyes, they knew it was going to be a hard road. Colby said he had to get rid of all his friends, and that he'll have to find new ones. Amy had lost her car and her job, they'd both lost their money.

Both of them were very worried about how much money Heather had, but they both said it won't last that long.

Of course they both knew about, even living in the state of Florida, to go down to Ft. Lauderdale for easy access to oxycontin.

Colby waved his hands around his whole head and said, "This is all oxycontin." Then he pinched a little piece behind his ear and he said, "This is her past life before oxycontin. You are still in there." He continued, "All her mind can see is where is she getting the next pill." I mentioned pot and he held his hand about chest high and said, "This is like weed." Then he held his hand as high as it would go and looked to the sky, "This is how big oxycontin is, it's bigger than anything." The way he talked it was as if aliens had taken over my daughter. That oxycontin was the biggest monster. Or Godzilla...

He said do not send her a Christmas card, do not send her a birthday card, you can not do any Enabling. (I had 2 thoughts to this, first, how is sending a card enabling, and second, I was so glad the intervention specialist already let us send a Christmas card.)

They said if I/we go toward her, she will continue what she's doing and it won't cause her to "come back to us." They said, "She's just not thinking of you right now, once she took the oxycontin, it took over." The part about her not thinking of me right now reminded me of ChaiLatte's "My Cat" post on her blog Hurting Parents - Addicted Son.

They said, "Whatever she says to you SHE LIES. She's lying. The DRUG lies."

Amy said that if she says she's off drugs and wants to come back to the family we have to tell her she has ONE chance, this is IT and be firm. To which Colby explained, otherwise the drug will think there will be more chances so she'll go back to it after awhile. Colby said that if she says she's off it and is not going to meetings (I guess going to rehab/treatment would count but he's going to meetings) and if she has the same friends - don't believe her. She is lying. He said in some cases there can be "a spiritual awakening" and that that could work and be okay too.

Both of them have buried friends b/c of this drug. I think Colby said he was 22 years old. I am praying for both of them that they continue on this path in the right direction.

I know that this is just 2 twenty-something's views/opinions. Two people who only recently stopped using. BUT, that's exactly why this was so AWESOME for me. I feel like they would KNOW. They're not 40 year-olds who haven't done drugs in 20 years, they are NOW. I feel like I got to ask Heather, and SHE KNOWS I LOVE HER. And I feel like WE ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

Geez, their advice was even stricter than the intervention specialist!!!!

God must have sent them to that meeting, two angels for me. And today I have had PEACE all day. This is the best day I have had since October 23rd. And I'm going to run with it.

(please, please, please let it still be there tomorrow!!!! lol)

12/23/09 - I woke up this morning (I've been up 10 minutes - so far so good!) and remembered something important I forgot to write - Colby said, "The only thing you can do for Heather is pray."

Unhealthy existing

I first wrote "Unhealthy living" as the title, then I realized, I'm not living, I'm existing. I looked back and looks like I didn't cry for about 10 days. After the surgery the crying picked up again - bad. I'm sure the "holiday season" is exasperating the depression. Two things keep going through my mine. One is a sign in front of a church that read: Grieving through the holidays support group. The second is a song I only know one line of, "I'll have a blue, blue Christmas without you." The tune plays through my head at unsuspecting moments.

Christmas is not Christmas without my daughter. So in order to get by I have erased all signs of Christmas. No decorations, no shopping, no radio, no TV commercials (only watch through TiVo or DVDs), got all gifts out of the house but 2 hiding in the corner of the dining room that will go tomorrow, any cards get read then put in a box, etc... I even skipped church yesterday for fear there would be Christmas songs :( and obviously I don't plan to go on Christmas...

I refuse to go to the grocery store or out to eat - anywhere that may have Christmas music or decorations. I have been living off food gifts that have been sent to us: Harry & David, Fannie May, Wolfman's, Mrs. Smiths, Hickory Farm, etc. I'm sure my husband will go to the grocery store tomorrow since he gets back from out of town late tonight and isn't having quite the breakdown I am. I am thankful he is so caring and understanding.

It takes every bit of my being to keep focused on something because if my concentration is broken I start to cry. So I am immersing myself in television. Since it's the end of the TV season, and networks are showing "holiday shows", I've gone through and recorded every random show I could think of to watch. Yesterday I counted the hours I watched TV - 8 hours of quality television! Mobile Home Disasters, Steven Segal Lawman, Bones (rented season 3's DVDs), Hoarders, Wife Swap, Puppies 101, Survivor Finale...

This morning I had a chiropractor's appointment at 11:15. I woke up at 9:15, called and rescheduled it for next week (thinking I'll be doing better then), and went back to bed until 11:30.

I know this is unhealthy b/c in the intervention book we went through (along with the obvious DRUGS), it went through unhealthy ways of coping specifically listing watching too much TV. But I don't know an alternative that I could do without crying.

I've been praying to God to send Heather messages to call her mother, I've even asked God to give her dreams about me so when she wakes up she will miss me and want to see me. I hope we are doing the right thing to get Heather off drugs because this is hell. I obsessively check my email and my cell phone hoping she has contacted me.

As I question are we doing the right thing? Should I throw myself at her feet, telling her I love her, and grab hold to her legs instead? IS THIS THE RIGHT THING??? My dad said something I thought was very smart and gave me a lot of confidence as it made sense. He said: If you're in the woods and you see a bear you can decide to hide and hope he doesn't see you. Or you can stand and stare him down. But once you make the decision to stare him down you can't then decide to turn and run.

I've read some other blogs with posts basically, the difference a year makes. And they give me hope. Maybe next Christmas Heather will be here in the arms of the family that loves her so much. I am so thrilled for my blog and real-life friends that have their children with them this holiday.

This Friday, on that day, I hope to think about it as Jesus' birthday and only Jesus' birthday.

And for all my blog friends and real-life friends, that I pray for daily, depending how you're doing, I wish you either a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, or, if you're at all like me, I wish you PEACE.

pictures of Heather & Oxycontin Express

"Dad" wrote a comment on my last post: "My assessment from your writing is as long as Heather has resources, money, people, and places to go there is no reason for Heather to change. She is making it clear she does not need you guys or miss your contact. Is this working the way you planned?"
Dad's assessment is exactly that of the interventionist, and day by day, sinking in as my reality.

As to his question... the answer is simple... no.

I think the intervention/interventionist is exactly on track with everything. Because he/they KNOW/KNEW. I on the other hand, found out she was doing this October 23rd - knowing NOTHING about addiction. I know so much more now.
So the answer to Dad's question is no. But after a crash course the past (less than) two months, I understand WHY.

I am still crying from only the first 12 minutes of a video posted by Barbara at Recovery Happens called Oxycontin Express (YouTube link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7DHMqHFSB8.

I don't know if I've mentioned this specifically on this blog. But Heather went to high school in Broward County - the county featured in this video. The pictures of the guy's young wife who died remind me of Heather, so innocent and sweet. I didn't know before watching this video that Florida didn't have a prescription drug monitoring program, or that doctor's could both prescribe & dispense here... why should I have known? And even if I did, I wouldn't have COMPREHENDED what that meant before now. Of all the places we could have lived...?????

I don't know if I will keep these up, but for now, here are some pictures of Heather - BEFORE (the tall blonde):
(Mom - my real Mom - don't cry)

***REMOVED PHOTOS***

Update 12/17/09 - found out from my husband when he read this that the prescription drug monitoring law for Florida goes into effect the first of the year - it was passed :)
Update 12/18/09 - okay, it goes into effect the END of 2010...

I don't even know what to title this post

I had surgery Wednesday morning and it turned out to be a much bigger deal than I thought it would be (story of my life!). They removed endometriosis and adhesions. In addition to the pain of healing from that, I got some weird complications that may be TMI so I'll leave them out. Point is, this is my first time on the computer since Tuesday night - I've been in bed. Tonight my pain/exhaustion has cleared enough... I got just enough energy... that this is REALLY bothering me and I just have to get it out...

I had surgery Wednesday morning, found this out Wednesday night. Maybe the good Lord timed it so I got 2 "free days" of not being able to obsess since I was sleeping so much from the surgery.

Wednesday night we found out from our 20 year-old (step) daughter who lives with Heather that Heather had packed up all her stuff and is moving across the state.
She is leaving the house she owns out-right???

Apparently, Heather mentioned to her step-sister the week before last that she was going to move across the state and attend the local community college (she's currently at a state university in a 4 year bachelor's program in pre-law which she worked hard to get into). She apparently had said she needed to move b/c she was worried b/c her ex-boyfriend knows where she lives even though she told all the police officers about him. (???) Her step-sister didn't think too much about it at the time.

Well, our 20 year-old came home from school Wednesday and Heather and her 60 pound Boxer were gone and all her stuff was packed in boxes. Our 20 year-old and the other tenant (one of Heather's male friends) still have no idea what's going on.

Where she currently lives is 1.20 hours away from us, where she's moving is 5-6 hours away. As if that matters b/c we have no idea where she went. And then not that that would matter b/c we haven't been talking to her anyway, the last communication was Nov 19 when she asked for her birth certificate etc.

The semester of school she is in right now (only 2 classes though) didn't end until today with next week being exam week.
I guess she dropped those last 2 classes???

I was so excited we (us and the grandparents) got the go ahead from the interventionist to send Heather Christmas cards - I got ours all prepared - so excited I could tell her I love her again. I guess she will get it eventually? I mean she owns the house we sent it to...

I have so many questions/concerns/fears on so many levels and in so many aspects of this situation.

Starting with - We won't have any clue where she is now...

I want to send her an email and beg for her to go to treatment, or maybe I can reason with her and explain what she is doing and how it is affecting her life permanently. How I love her so much and can't she just see how me, her step-dad and grandparents love her??? How drugs will rob her of everything, how even though she thinks she is thinking clearly she isn't. Surely there is something I can say to bring my baby back. As I write this I know it is fantasy.
My head is just so confused as a parent.

While I was writing this post, and now as I look back on what I wrote, one word comes to mind. TRAPPED.

TRAPPED. I am TRAPPED.
and going back to bed where I belong...

Good news/bad news

Today we went to our "home church" (it's a healing & deliverance ministry about 45 minutes away - instead of our "regular church" five minutes away). It is held in a home. There were about 12 people there today and I met a woman who was there with her husband.

Good news:
She and her husband had been crack addicts for 9 years. The last 5 years of that were quitting and going back, quitting and going back - but after 5 years they did it - they got off crack. Both of them! And now they were off crack and five months off pot. Praise God!!!

Bad news:
I told her my daughter was smoking Oxycontin. The woman was smoking crack for NINE years and gave me a big lesson on how BAD smoking oxy is - like smoking crack was having a bite of chocolate cake, but smoking oxy was eating the whole cake and the plate too...
She asked me how old my daughter was. When I told her 19, her eyes welled up with tears and she looked away.
I guess this is bad news because someone who KNOWS knew how much trouble my daughter is in.

But I have to have faith, that God will work in Heather, and maybe someday she can meet this woman and be encouraged by her success.

Random thought: there are some powerful teachings on our "home church" (Christian Covenant Fellowship) website, that may be found helpful - here is the link: http://www.radio4jesus.com/

How I spent most the day on YouTube

I've been searching all over for information the past month and it just dawned on me last night in bed: YouTube!

Sure enough, I spent ALL morning on it typing in the search box things like, roxicet addiction, smoking, oxycontin, percocet addiction, oxycodone etc.

I have been confused about what exactly "smoking Roxie's" means/is. Now I know:
It is oxycodone
Brand names: Roxicet/Roxicodone, OxyFAST, Oxycontin, Endo (Percocet is the tradename of Endo and also has acetaminophen in it), and M-oxy
Street names: Roxie's, Blue's, 30's and Hillbilly Heroin

Not sure what good all this information is going to do for me...??? But I sat obsessed all morning at the computer watching video after video. SO MANY young adults addicted to this have videos where they talk to the camera about their addiction and attempts (some successful, some not) to get off it. I even watched a video where they smoked it, so now I know how that is done. Of course, I got myself all nice and depressed so when I stumbled upon a video for "The Vicodin Song (House/Wilson)" I BURST out crying before the first verse even finished :( Thankfully I pulled myself together quickly afterward, so I'm counting my not-crying streak to still be in effect! Of course then this evening after dinner, instead of doing anything productive, I got back on YouTube.

I have to admit, after all this, denial crept back in. I am now convinced my daughter is NOT doing this any longer, that she was telling the truth 3 weeks ago when she emailed my mom that she got herself off them. That she was THE ONE who managed to stay off it the first time she tried. That she's really not addicted...
Okay - now who's lying to me??? I know, I know. But I had to write the totally absurd denial thoughts that were going through my brain. It's so easy to see why we as parent's have such a hard time finding out our kids take drugs when our brains are hardwired to believe they're not...

I made a deal with myself - no more YouTube looking up drug stuff for a long while!!!

If this video link for "The Vicodin Song (House/Wilson)" worked (I'm not sure if I did it right), warning - it might make you cry like it did me...

I guess self-preservation kicks in

Today is day 3 of not crying at all :) !!!
I cried every day from October 23rd until November 29th. I started getting this wheezing when I breathed in deep, my allergist even commented on it at my appointment last week. I was like, "Oh, yeah, I've been crying a lot." Well it got to the point where I am like (talking to myself) "I can NOT cry anymore!" I think your body must hit a point where it knows what it needs. So it's been THREE days!

Don't get me wrong, things are still (obviously) not right, I'm still (obviously) not OK - BUT - Oddly enough, I have found some peace. I think the Al-Anon meetings, trusting God, prayer, reading the Bible, talking to my Mom, my ex-mother-in-law (also "Mom"), my husband, good friends, reading posts online, reading books, and any other support I can find - has REALLY helped.

Also, things have piled up from a month of pity parties. It got to the point where I had to get things done and get things organized (also b/c I am scheduled for minor surgery next Wednesday). I had to get busy on my "duties" and they kept me occupied - like cleaning the mystery mess out of the refrigerator and having the plumber come replace the dripping kitchen faucet etc.

Monday night I got home late (like 9 pm) from an Al-Anon meeting and was just sitting down to eat dinner when my mom (who lives in another state) called... she was having a hard night. I was like, "Mom, I really want to support you and talk to you and help, BUT, I am just now sitting down to eat. I'll tell you what, look up 2 Chronicles Chapter 20."

Can you believe (if you've read my earlier posts) she said, "Oh, they preached on that at my church on Sunday."

I'm said, "Did you hear what you just said? (she knows about my recent experience with that book/chapter) You're telling me you didn't NOTICE that on Sunday??? God is REALLY sending us a message!"

I can't speak for tomorrow (when the ramifications of Christmas start setting in), but I'm doing really well trusting God for today and taking things one HOUR at a time.

Random note: A couple days ago I was scouring the internet for things about - well - typing into Google "after intervention refused rehab" - clicking on and reading article after article - and all of a sudden I'm like, (talking to myself again) "Hey, I know that guy!!!!" and there's a picture next to an article of "Dad" from An Addict in Our Son's Bedroom. I knew he had written the article as he told us on Dad & Mom's blog, but to just come across it during a search... Anyway, it was exciting :)
Here's the link: http://intervene.drugfree.org/2009/11/7-truths-about-my-addict-that-took-5-years-to-learn/